People I Want to Kill: Kid Rock

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I don't know if it's strictly the appearance of Kid Rock, if it's his disgusting music or if it's a combination of those things plus him banging hot chicks, but I think the world would function better, the sun shine brighter and the air be fresher if he would just go away.

His real name, Robert James Ritchie, was definitely crafted by two parents who were either farmers or carnies. Really, Kid Rock looks like he belongs operating a Ferris wheel on fairgrounds in rural Alabama.

But he decides to call himself Kid Rock, which he seems to drive home in this song where he screams, "MY NAME IS KID ROCK!"

But his name isn't Kid Rock, it's Robert (or Bob), and he's 38 years old. So he's a fucking liar, too.

Naturally, with people I want to kill, it's not the actual person who fucking gets me, it's the people who make him or her a star. Kid Rock, for example, flies a confederate flag, drinks pig's blood mixed with vodka, and masturbates to pictures of his sister. He also plays music that resembles the noises made by crying babies, lawnmowers and static on your television. But people have bought into this. Mr. Rock appeals to a certain type. Granted that type has the IQ of nutmeg, but he's clearly made it big enough for me to want to go all Natural Born Killers on him.

He also kinda looks like Sawyer from Lost but I wouldn't kill Sawyer from Lost because Lost is fucking awesome and Sawyer is fucking awesome and Kid Rock is busy fucking his cousin.

But then there are the women. He was briefly engaged to Pamela Anderson who we think had Hepatitis C, which isn't cool, but the blonde hair, red bathing suit and plastic tits are. We would certainly do things to Pamela Anderson. And Rock did those things to her. We're not sure if they're related (second cousins?), but we're trying to dig deeper and find the truth.

His clothing of choice is a trucker hat, his beer of choice is Piss Light and his word of choice is Bawitdaba." Fuck you, Kid Rock. You give music, trucker hats and hicks a bad name.

Preferred method of death: Wrath.