A friendly face

We've told you about our gym friend before -- you know the one. If you don't, here's a reminder.

In comes this guy we'd seen around the Y before. Older dude...maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we'd be the least surprised. He probably hasn't shaved since '72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn't help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick. Like actually. He was really going after it. He even had the facial expression showing his hunger. Of course, he would've said he was just stretching or doing some yoga or pilates or whatever the fuck it is that older people do at the gym. But he was hands down trying to suck on his own cock. He would've done it too if we weren't there. He was craving it. We were the only thing in his way.

We saw this man again last week, but in much different circumstances: he was flossing.

But he was doing it with the same ferocity and passion that he displays when trying to suck his own cock. This guy is a fucking awesome flosser. Bent over the sink, chin turned up, he nearly had his entire fist in his fucking mouth, trying to get all those tough-to-reach spots. And you better believe he got them. He's that good.

We're not sure if a dentist would be proud or appalled -- like this guy was breaking all conventional rules of flossing but he was doing it with a passion that prevents a dentist from committing suicide. (Dentists, ya know, have one of the highest rates of suicide by profession).

We've gotten to the point that we think we could make an honest pitch to make a successful reality show out of following this guy around. If he goes after the cock and flosses with such intensity and passion, imagine him doing the other daily rituals that we take for granted.

Look for the show soon. We'd probably call it something like "Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss" or "Daily Life."

But probably "Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss."

MTV will eat it right up.