What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? Valentine's Day.

What a bullshit holiday. Hallmark can go suck my ass for creating such a crapfest of an "event."

Valentine's Day is a lose-lose situation for pretty much every guy.

If you have a girlfriend/wife, good for you. You get to spend $100 on a shitty Helzberg diamond, $15 on Russell Stover's shit and then $80 at an overpriced, crowded restaurant. Maybe -- just maybe -- she'll give you a little head before you fornicate.

And if you don't have a girlfriend, well fuck. You're constantly reminded how seldom you get laid and that you're a pathetic loser with no friends, a lousy job and an inverted penis; for this one day, the world is against you.

Why can't everyday be Love Day? Hell, pick a random Wednesday in October and I'll give my girlfriend a night out on the town, spoil the shit out of her and make love to her like a GI just back from WWII. And I'm OK with that. It's not that I dislike treating my girl great -- I love that shit (and it often results in awesomeness in the bedroom). I just hate Valentine's Day -- and societal fucking norms -- telling me that on Feb. 14 I have to treat my girl extra special.

Then there's the weird shit on Valentine's Day. Like when you're in 3rd grade and you give valentines and those chalk-candy hearts to everyone in your class. For me it was OK because even when I was 9 I wanted to fuck just about every girl in my class. But for monogamists out there, that was probably pretty weird. And I also gave valentines to my teachers, which is sorta strange in a fetish-y kind of way.

Also, sometimes I have relatives that expect royal treatment from me on Valentine's Day. Like grandparents. Am I supposed to send a card? There's a place for that -- like a birthday. But Valentine's Day should just be between two lovers. When you get children and grandparents involved, that just muddies the water.

So happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers. At least you only have to put up with this shit once a year.