If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death...

Don't read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure's name who you dislike for Rivers'.

It's just Rivers is sorta in people's minds and he's really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here's a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death...

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.


There's nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.


Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.


Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.


Wood's character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, "it'd be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off." Low and behold... But hey, it'd cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.


Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn't deserve this hero's fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.


Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil's IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu's -- "if this bus slows down, we are all going to die" -- so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.


This would make it hard to taunt fans...

3. Bad guy's face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.


This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.


This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn't be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.


Rivers either doesn't have a heart or it's black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We're sure we've left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.