Tuitama: 'Going long is for pussies'

Ooh, Jennings is open down the left sideline. Ooh, I got Reese on the seam. But fuck that, I'm gonna check down.

Throwing the ball deep is for the faint of heart. For guys who don't know how to properly make love to a woman. For people who clap at the end of a movie.

Chicks dig guys who check down. Guys who complete 30 passes for 233 yards. Guys who average seven yards per pass. Checking down will get you laid faster than giving blow to a stripper.

I don't care that I have my tight end over the middle. Fuck my tight end. I don't give two shits that my speedy wide receiver has a step on an undersized DB. I'd rather throw a swing pass. My dick hardens at the thought of a swing pass.

Fourth and eleven? Fuck throwing the ball down field. I'm dumping it off, bitch.

So what that we lost? Certainly wasn't my fault. You complete 70 percent of your passes, asswhipe.

I'm the check-down king. And you better kneel in front of me. I can throw a screen better than Elway. Swing pass better than Montana. Quick hitch? Broadway Joe can go fist himself.

It's not about winning and losing. Not about Xs and Os. It's about the thrill of completing a four-yard pass. It's knowing that after the game, pussy will find me. I am King Check-Down and I will beat the fuck out of anyone who tells me to throw the ball downfield.

(Related: F--k It. I'm Throwing It Downfield.)