Anything to get a leg up

It seems that the world just keeps getting weirder. Northern Colorado bacup punter Mitch Cozad is accused of stabbing the starting punter in the leg. This is almost too good. I mean, did the guy really think he could get away with this? Like, he'd just walk into practice the next day and try to act surprised that all of a sudden he had the job? Now we know that football players aren't exactly known for their brains, and Northern Colorado isn't exactly Ivy League, but can Mitch really be that dumb?

It seems that he can be. If you read more you'll discover that Mitch made his getaway in his own car, and stopped to take the tape off the license plate right outside a liquor store. Most likely he also dropped his wallet in the parking lot where he did the deed and left a lock of his hair in case they need to do some DNA analysis. He probably also bought the knife on campus and left the receipt in his clubhouse locker.

The starter, Rafeal Mendoza, is unsure of when he'll be able to return. Who will punt for the Bears in the meantime remains a mystery. Probably some walk-on will come in, or they'll let the placekicker have a shot at it. Either choice sounds entertaining at least. Maybe they can bring in a girl from the soccer team and it will inspire a cheesy sports movie.

The moral of the story? Don't injure your teammates. Of course we thought that lesson was learned already. Oh well, anything to get a leg up.

-Jameson Costello