Bowden falls asleep, forgets to trade Soriano

With just minutes remaining before the MLB trade deadline, Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden fell asleep and forgot to trade All-Star left fielder Alfonso Soriano. Experts around the country were convinced the slugger would be traded, with the Minnesota Twins apparently the front-runners leading up to the deadline. Various sources were quoted as saying that a Soriano trade was "imminent," "definite," "a done deal," and even "fo-sho gonna happen."

Bowden held a news conference after the 4 PM EDT non-waiver trade deadline. "Sorry, I just fell asleep. I was up most of the night fielding offers for Alfonso and Livo [Livan Hernandez], and at the last minute I ran out of energy. I had like 3 Sparks Red Bulls, a couple of No-Doz, and a Jolt Cola, but it just wasn't enough. Now we're pretty much fucked."

Bowden was hoping to trade Soriano for a bounty of young prospects, assuming he would not be able to re-sign the free agent to be, despite Soriano's statements that he would prefer to stay in Washington. The Nationals currently sit in last place in the NL East, and are 8.5 games back of Cincinnati in the NL Wild Card race.

Speculation abounds that an AL GM sabotaged a possible deal with the Twins, in an attempt to keep Soriano in the other league. Chicago's Ken Williams, New York's Brian Cashman, and Boston's Theo Epstein have all been implicated, with Williams the prime suspect. Another GM, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Williams is always up to something shady, I wouldn't be surprised at all if he slipped Bowden a sleeping pill. It's obvious he's feeling the pressure the Twins are putting on, and wants to keep it a two-horse race." The White Sox currently sit 8.5 games back of Detroit in the AL Central Division, but are tied with the Yankees for the Wild Card lead, with the Twins just a game back of Chicago after a recent surge.

No details have been offered for how a sleeping pill could have been given to Bowden, who is in San Francisco to watch the Nationals humiliate take on the Giants. Other reports suggest that San Francisco GM Brian Sabean may also have been sleeping, as he forgot to trade ace Jason Schmidt.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig gave the following statement:

"Major League Baseball will not tolerate doping, either in the form of performance enhancing drug use by the players, or in the form of sleeping pills, or other mischievous substances, such as itching powders or laxatives, used by General Managers against one another. I will be putting together a team to conduct an investigation into Bowden's sleep episode, and anyone found responsible for foul play will be punished."

-Jameson Costello

Jameson is a graduate student at the University of Washington. He wishes that Brian Sabean would have traded Jason Schmidt for Lastings Milledge.