The Big Picture

All good things...

2009-12-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

To borrow a sports cliché or three: we're hanging up the cleats, throwing in the towel and knowing when to walk away.

This has been a helluva journey. I had no idea when I started this site four years ago that it would be something that was so addicting, so rewarding and so frustrating all at the same time. Four blogging years is like 70 in human years which is like 290 in dog years or something.

In December, 2005 I was just a naïve college student thinking that starting a blog would be my way into the sports-writing world.

Shockingly, it was.

I got to the point where I was a professional blogger, working for FanHouse, PlayboyU and receiving ad dollars here. Who knew that would ever be the case?

Times were humbling early. To spend the time writing a post and have six people read it isn't exactly encouraging. I didn't think the site would last. But over 1,900 posts and six million page views later, I'm so glad it did. To have people reading my words, leaving comments and laughing at my jokes was -- to put it bluntly -- pretty fucking cool.

I told myself that I'd stop this blog under two circumstances:

1. If it started slipping into mediocrity
2. If it became a job

Unfortunately, for the last year or so, it's been both. Spending hours writing posts after a full day of work has become a chore. On too many occasions I spent more time blogging than I did doing things that were far more important; this site twisted my priorities.

The Big Picture peaked about two years ago. The material was still fresh, jokes still crass and feeling still new. The recent slide has been a large part me and also the sports blogosphere getting so terribly cluttered that there were the few top sites and then hundreds of "everybody else."

In the early days, when bloggers were still figuring out this whole sports blogging thing, I knew my peers, the work they put in and what it took to operate a daily sports blog. Not so much the case anymore.

But it's been a fun ride. I've made friends, computer buddies and even got asked out on a date! Many thanks to all the loyal readers, the regular commenters (you know who you are!) and anyone who's stumbled across this small slice of the Web.

I'm still very reachable by email, so don't be shy. And I'll still be lurking around the blogosphere occasionally, checking up on all of your sites that I've come to love.

May all of your favorite teams win championships (as long as they're the San Francisco Giants and Washington Huskies). May athletes keep doing crazy shit to fuel sports blogs' content. May we continue to see huge upsets, epic games and unbelievable endings. Because, at the end of the day, that's what this site was always about: the love of sports.

Now it's time to hit that "Publish Post" button one final time. Goodnight sweet world. It's been real...

The Big Picture 2005-2009

Best of The Big Picture: favorite posts and topics

2009-12-03T03:05:00.000-08:00

Over the course of four years you're going to write some absolute crap. But every once in a while you pump something out that makes you think, albeit for a second, that you can actually do this whole writing thing.

Then there are the go-to topics. Our favorite ideas, people and concepts that we often go to in order to put a smile on faces.

Favorite posts:

The anti-Jay Busbee campaign
If Phillip Rivers died a famous movie death...
The time I took an hour-long shit
Pre-Gaming: Trick 'r Treat
Fuck Boston
CFB Coverage > NFL Coverage
We've been put On Notice
A Letter From Barbaro
An interview with the Steelers' pilot
Torre: 'Hot seat? What hot seat?'

Favorite topics:

Barbaro
Joe Buck
Things that aren't sports but are funny because we're really immature sometimes
Yi Jianlian
Tampa Rays
Ikea Games

Best of The Big Picture: series and features

2009-12-02T02:55:00.000-08:00

Four years, you gotta get some staples down. To write about random stories everyday is pretty taxing, so we developed some reoccurring series and features as a way to help readers gain familiarity and to make planning content a little easier.

Some of the features stuck, some didn't. Some got big, others were one-and-done.

Here they are in all their glory:

Lots of good stuff in there that should give you plenty of reading material to get you through your Wednesday.

Best of The Big Picture: most-read posts

2009-12-01T00:55:00.000-08:00

There are occasionally things we write that other people think are good enough to share with their larger audiences. SI.com, Yahoo!, Deadspin and even The New York Times have linked to our work, which makes us feel mushy inside and brings many sets of new eyeballs to our site; and new people to tell us to go fuck ourselves with a toilet plunger.

Some of these high-trafficked posts were good; some were thrown together in 10 minutes after finding a neat story. All were good for the site.

Here are some of the highlights:

Go take a look and see some of our most-read work.

Best of The Big Picture Week

2009-11-30T01:45:00.000-08:00

It's birthday week here. This site turns four on Saturday, so to celebrate, we'll be having a Best Of week.

Our favorite posts, best series and funniest jokes will all be showcased this week in a nice, tidy package.

There will be cake, ice cream and maybe some pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. If you're lucky...

We're going to culminate the week with a mega-ultra huge announcement.

Put on your party hats, buckle your seat belts and let's have a fun week!

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

You're not working today or tomorrow, so neither are we.

But we thought we'd rank Thanksgiving food:

1. Stuffing
2. Gravy
3. Sweet potatoes with two pounds of butter and brown sugar
4. Turkey
5. Pumpkin cheesecake
6. Pumpkin pie
7. Pecan pie
8. Mashed potatoes
9. Jello-like cranberries
10. Fruit
11. Squash soup
12. Biscuits
13. Other cranberries
14. Green beans
15. Salad

Happy Thanksgiving, knuckleheads. We'll see ya Monday...

Jumping Stilts for all the bros out there

2009-11-26T00:05:00.000-08:00

I found my way to this website for velocity jumping stilts. Not sure how; I must've been wearing my Etnies, drinking a Mountain Dew and feeling EXTREME. But nonetheless, I saw these things that were totally badass!

They look super awesome -- can you imagine doing these plowed? It'd be called Velocity Jumping Stilts under the influence. Like a a VJSUI. That doesn't have a good ring to it. It sounds bad. Not bad: jumping stilts.

Allen Iverson has 3,000 new fans in another continent

2009-11-25T03:05:00.000-08:00

Sounds great: new star in town, Jersey-promo night, butts in seats, right?

What happens when the new star in town is off the team in 15 games or less? You get Allen Iverson jerseys in Tanzania.

So what will happen to all of those unused Iverson jerseys?

The Grizzlies plan to ship the jerseys to impoverished children in Tanzania -- the birthplace of rookie center Hasheem Thabeet.

An NBA program -- Basketball Without Borders -- will facilitate the shipment to the African country. Basketball Without Borders is the NBA's global basketball development program that helps education, health and wellness.

Meanwhile, children in Memphis have Marc Gasol jerseys. Would it be wrong to ask which kids are luckier?

[The Commercial Appeal via Ben Maller]

CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-25T01:05:00.000-08:00

For fuck's sake, can I catch a break???

2009-11-24T02:25:00.000-08:00

My fantasy team is fucking good. That's evident by all the points I score every week.

My fantasy team is unlucky. That's evident by my 4-7 record and four-straight losses.

The last three weeks:

Week 9: Lose by LESS THAN A FUCKING POINT!!
Week 10: Score nearly 90 points. Lose.
Week 11: Score over 80 points. Lose.

I am No. 3 in points in my league yet in seventh place. That sucks. Maybe that time I burned ants with a magnifying glass is finally coming back to haunt me.

Fuck this. Fantasy football is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun. Losing is not fun. Having Brandon Jacobs on your team is not fun.

And fucking Ricky Williams! Dude scores three TDs in a game for only the second time since 2000!

Meanwhile, our previous league leader is 8-3 and second to last in points. He must donate to UNICEF and sing at retirement homes.

LockerBlogger: all the cool kids are doing it

2009-11-23T00:45:00.000-08:00

LockerBlogger is the new cool site, like Ballhype or Yardbarker, that does things that we don't really understand, yet other people seem to enjoy it. They have like real life athletes doing stuff which is ultimately why people get in the sports-blog game anyway.

Our boy David Thompson has his own blog there where he writes about stuff that's funny because he's funny and funny people (us) recognize other funny people (him).

We weren't paid to write this. Yet. (Cough, cough).

Morning Headlines: Detroit 38, Cleveland 37

2009-11-23T00:35:00.000-08:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Lions-Browns box score]

-Safety not enough as Cleveland stays in last place

-Dawson's huge day (2 FGs, 1-1 passing) wasted in loss

-Mangini: 'We couldn't stop the run'

Your best headlines from Sunday's touchdown-fest in the comments.

Pre-gaming: Wild Wild West

2009-11-20T03:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Pac-10, the only conference that actually matters this season.

With things all but settled in all of the major conferences (and pretty much have been for weeks), we turn our attention to out own backyard where all hell has broken loose and we'll see the first non-USC BCS team since the Joey Harrington Years.

My former colleague, Bud Withers of The Seattle Times, breaks it down for you nicely, including the six-team-doomsday-scenario. This time of year, by the way, I FUCKING LOVE DOOMSDAY scenarios.

It's always fun and dandy until someone gets left out, and then they settle for the Holiday Bowl or Sun Bowl, which neither is a holiday or has a sunny outlook. Seriously, Stanford has had a great year, yet if things break wrong, the Cardinal could play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Seriously, the Armed Forces Bowl.

With a weak slate of games this week, the Pac-10 is really the the only thing that matters. What's gonna get shaken up this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Chattanooga, 'Bama.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Florida International, Gators.

No. 11 Oregon at Arizona, 8 p.m., ABC: Arizona has three losses. One came in a close game at then-good Iowa. The second came on a fluke interception against Washington. The third happened when the driving 'Cats made a bad penalty (only one forward pass per play, Nick Foles) and ultimately lost another close game. So Arizona is really 9-0 and in the BCS Title hunt.

Oh, and the winner of this game has the inside track to the Rose Bowl. Nothing on the line, though. Oregon 38, Arizona 31.

No. 10 Ohio State at Michigan, noon, ABC: It's not that this is a good game or anything, but rivalries are rivalries and this is one of the better ones. Ohio State will continue to play not to lose (until they realize that method is no good when they get slaughtered in Pasadena in January), while Michigan will play not to get Rich Rodriguez fired which could certainly happen if the Wolverines continue to play like the Raiders. Ohio State 6, Michigan 2.

No. 8 LSU at Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
No. 16 Wisconsin at Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., Big 10 Network.
Oklahoma at Texas Tech, 12:30 p.m., TV?
Kansas at No. 3 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Cuba Libre

2 oz. light rum
Juice of 1/2 lime
Coke

Pour lime juice into a highball glass over ice cubes. Add rum, fill with cola, stir, and serve.

I knew a guy once who ordered one of these and I think the bartender kicked his ass. Dude, this is a RUM AND COKE WITH A FUCKING LIME WEDGE! Call it what it is.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"ajo@90løkL®Ac∞0#µ˜0a˚m.Aoaq" (Go out there and hit someone).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon State (-31.5) over Washington State. Time to start picking against WSU every week. Gotta get that Bet It Hard record healthy.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 4-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Anyone on Washington State

It's hard work playing offensive football, but the object is to get the football from one end of the field to the other without giving the ball to the other team. Back to the basics, Cougs.

Heisman Watch:

1. Wrath
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Gluttony

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
6. Rich Rodriguez, Michigan
7. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue

Fuck, how many more times are we going to hear this song? I'd say at least 20 just in the first quarter of the SEC Championship game.

Babe of the Week:

Jaime

Nice car...

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Yankees vs. Canadiens: A case study in hate

2009-11-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Yankees won their 27th Commissioner’s Trophy this fall. As an A’s fan, I am steaming hot mad. This seems to be the way of the MLB landscape where the top-moneyed teams buy up all the best free agents and those of us in small markets sit around and stew. Like this: I cannot express in enough words how completely awful it is that Alexander Emmanuel Rodriquez will receive an over-sized ring that he won’t wear next April. Stinks out loud it does.

Part of what makes the Yankees so awful or rather their fans so awful is that they’ve won now 27 World Series. They’ve been around since 1903 which makes them two years younger than the A’s franchise. (The A’s began in Philadelphia in 1901) They had “Murderer’s Row” and the “Bronx Zoo” and began poaching players from teams in full in the 1970’s. Some of it was other owners being cheap (Charlie Finley) and some of it was George Steinbrenner being a tyrant.

The latter is the leitmotif of the Yankees. Their infield includes the 252-million-dollar centaur, Mark Teixeria’s ugly mug, and Jeter. The pitching staff was created out of the ruins of the Indians and Blue Jays staffs (Sabathia and Burnett) and the rest of it is just old money.

By comparison, I offer the Montreal Canadiens. The most storied team in the history of the National Hockey, Les Canadiens have hoisted the Stanley Cup a total of 24 times since the inception of the NHL in 1918. Part of what made the Canadiens so dominant was that the NHL was a six-team league until 1967. In addition, there was a clause in the draft in the 60’s that allowed the Canadiens two picks in order to select French-Canadian born players.

Needless to say, the Canadiens won early and won often. Twice (the ’55-’56 season through the ’59-’60 season and ’75-’76 season through ’78-’79 season) the Habs won the Cup multiple times. These teams included a large collection of Hall of Fame players, coaches, and executives. The Canadiens are seen as the team to be against the NHL over. But the question is: Are they? I know that they were and are hated by Bruins fans. Ken Dryden’s great book The Game details how Dryden loved playing against the Bruins in the old Boston Garden because of the scope of the rivalry. I also know that the Habs are booed repeatedly by Leafs fans whenever they roll into Air Canada Centre.

The query that I have is: Who is more hated? Is it the Yankees with their entitled fan base, hyperventilating announcers, and disdain for long hair and beards? Or is it the Canadiens with the “bleu, blanc, et rouge” and the banners littering the rafters of the Bell Centre?

NFL's most disappointing teams

2009-11-18T01:15:00.000-08:00

We're past the halfway mark of the season and we know that the Saints are good and the Browns could win their remaining games and STILL be the worst team to ever play tackle football.

But sports blogs don't care about good teams. The media -- or in this case, a blog -- likes champions or complete, utter fuckups...like the Browns. It's not very fun to talk about how the Saints' defense is vastly improved or Adrian Peterson could run for a 150-yard touchdown because he's THAT good. We want losers, underachievers and misery.

While the Browns are mind-fuckingly fucking awful, we all knew that they'd be mind-fuckingly fucking awful. Others who have already thrown in the towel in 2009 weren't expecting such bad things.

Some teams that come to mind:

-Buffalo (3-6)
-Washington (3-6)
-Tennessee (3-6)
-Seattle (3-6)
-Chicago (4-5)
-Baltimore (5-4; two wins are over the Browns which don't count. Another is over the Chiefs which also doesn't count. So the Ravens are actually 2-4).

Somehow we feel that Chicago might be the most disappointing of all. The Bears were 9-7 last season, just missed the playoffs and did all of this with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman at QB who don't count as real people. So they go out and get Jay Cutler who's good for throwing some touchdowns, nearly as many interceptions and being equally cocky doing both.

The Ravens, AFC Championship game contestants last season, have only two wins that matter (San Diego and Denver) and are in danger of missing the playoffs in the brutal AFC. The upcoming schedule doesn't help: Indy, two with the Steelers, Chicago and at Green Bay. They lose three of those and they'd be in real trouble.

Your most disappointing teams? Do tell in the comments...

Nothing says college basketball 2009 like a 6 a.m. tip-off between Monmouth and St. Peter's

2009-11-17T02:35:00.000-08:00

By the time you read this, ESPN will be about eight hours into their second annual College Hoops Tip-Off Marathon, a 24-hour NCAA basketball showcase featuring 12 live games.

Included is an 11 p.m. contest between San Diego St. and St. Mary's and the aforementioned 6 a.m. call time for Monmouth and St. Peter's. We can't imagine the players and coaches are too thrilled about playing a game with real implications WHEN THEY SHOULD STILL BE SLEEPING , but the university is making the most of the opportunity to host ESPN on their campus and get a nationally-televised game.

The entire Saint Peter's College community is in countdown mode as in 18 hours ESPN will be on the Jersey City campus as the Saint Peter's College Peacocks take on the Monmouth University Hawks on Tuesday, November 17th at 6am as part of ESPN's 24 Hours of College Basketball Marathon.

The Department of Athletics along with the Peacock Nation Club have 12 hours of fun and basketball ready for all students, faculty, staff and alumni to look forward to leading up to the game.

All festivities will begin at 9pm on Monday night as the doors to The Bubble will open for students to participate in "All Nighter" activities. For a full list of events leading up to the game.

College is fun. All-nighters at the basketball gym will be a memorable experience. Perhaps the alumni will drop in for some hoops before going to work. No better way to start a day than with a Peacocks win!

Since this game is starting at 3 a.m. our time, we probably won't catch the action. But we'd greatly appreciate a final score update in the comments when we get up. Peacocks vs. Hawks: College basketball 2009 is on!

College Football uniforms

2009-11-17T02:25:00.000-08:00

Watching plenty of Pac-10 action, we've probably seen more variations of the Oregon Ducks' uniform than actual games. Swear they change those fuckers at halftime.

While Oregon's uniforms are just awful -- really, horribly awful -- there are some FANTASTIC unis out there.

Some of our favorites:

-Texas' all whites
-Penn State
-Georgia's all blacks
-Washington's home (purple top, gold pants)
-Alabama

Are you the type to love the classics (USC, Ohio State, 'Bama)? Or do you go for the more new-wave, gimmicky outfit (Oregon, Georgia Tech, TCU come to mind)? Or perhaps something in between?

Your favorite -- and least favorite -- college football uniforms in the comment, please.

Jason Snelling scored a touchdown yesterday. We know that because of NFL RedZone, the coolest thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass

2009-11-16T01:05:00.000-08:00

We just ordered the Comcast sports package which is AWESOME! Five bucks a month for NFL Network, Big 10 Network, CBS College, a bunch of regional FSN channels, some other, less awesome channels and the newly-launched NFL RedZone, the coolest thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass (which we told you in the headline but merits a second mention BECAUSE IT'S SO AWESOME!).

As the network's slogan says, viewers see "every touchdown from every game," hence the Jason Snelling touchdown from the Falcons-Panthers game. Scott Hanson, the network's host, acts as a facilitator, monitoring every game throughout the day and tapping in to the broadcast of the game -- or games. "Let's go double-box!" was about every third phrase out of Hanson's mouth -- with the most important play or drive.

There are no commercials and only highlights when every live game is at commercial. We probably saw less than five huddles all day; the network will take you to a different game after an incomplete pass, challenge, etc.

Our only knock on this football-viewing bonanza is that you miss the context of most games. You don't see many third-down plays, turnovers or long-yardage plays (like kick returns) since they aren't anticipated as being of interest.

But we're going to watch this every Sunday and never miss a touchdown ever again.

Also: The "network" airs for seven hours a week, from 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. on Sunday. We find that incredibly cool.

Morning Headlines: Colts 35, Patriots 34

2009-11-16T00:45:00.000-08:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Indianapolis-New England box score]

-Stover's kick lifts Colts over Pats

-New England 0-1 on 4th downs in road loss

-Addai, Colts gallop over Pats

That was a fantastic game and a very ballsy -- and puzzling -- decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from New England's own 28. They punt the ball they probably win. But they were playing to win the game. Gotta like that, but maybe not in that situation. Wow. New England dominated that game.

Pre-gaming: The Miserable Life of the Collegiate Kicker

2009-11-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

No one aspires to be a place kicker. You don't hear of kids who want to be kickers. Not even the kids who are always kicking balls want to be kickers. Everyone wants to be a quarterback, wide receiver or running back. NOBODY WANTS TO BE A FUCKING KICKER!

The kids who like kicking things play soccer only to learn later that nobody likes soccer. Even then they don't want to be kickers.

But every team needs a kicker and that's why you see guys on the sidelines with frosted tips and faux hawks.

And, fittingly, the kicker is either set up to be the goat or the hero. It's either hitting the game-winner or missing as time expires and you have reactions like the guy above. And then, at practice on Monday when you go to high-five the All-America linebacker, he tells you to go fuck yourself because you're just the kicker. (Frankly, had you hit the game-winner, you'd probably get the same reaction).

Agh, the kicker. At least the average guy can do it.

Who's going to be making -- or missing -- game-winners this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 16 Utah at No. 4 TCU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get feelings about games from time to time and I really feel that this one is going to be fucking epic. I get wood for the Mountain West and if TCU wins this game, you seriously have to start considering them for the BCS Title game. Fuck Texas. They haven't beaten anyone. Get the popcorn and 24-pack. This one should be fun. TCU 20, Utah 17.

No. 10 Iowa at No. 11 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: I would have made this a four-bunny game if I didn't hate the Big 10 so fucking much. Ohio State 30, Iowa 17.

No. 25 West Virginia at No. 5 Cincinnati, Friday, 8 p.m., ESPN 2: Bill Stewart would be a fantastic grandfather. He just seems to friendly that he'll be happy to put you on his lap and read you Goodnight Moon. He is quite the opposite of former Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez who fell more in line with the abusive uncle. Cincinnati 31, West Virginia 21.

Stanford at No. 9 USC, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: Jim Harbaugh could get his players to go rob a bank. He's that good. USC 16, Stanford 14.

No 1. Florida at South Carolina, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I think the story line for this game is going to revolve around how two experienced quarterbacks lead their respective teams. Nothing about the coaches. Florida 24, South Carolina 18.

Notre Dame at No. 12 Pittsburgh, 8 p.m., ABC: Any chance you have to watch the Irish lose is a day where the sun shines brighter. Pitt 28, Notre Dame 27.

Tennessee at Mississippi, noon, CBS.
Texas Tech at No. 19 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Simpler Times Lager

1. Any beer called "Simpler Times" is a winner in my book.
2. This beer is 6.2%. That's nearly malted.
3. This is the Trader Joe's equivalent of Budweiser.
4. TJ's is awesome. They are like the cool new kid of grocery stores and they always have cute girls working there. And have fucking great chicken andouille sausage for $4.
5. This beer is A LOT better than Bud, in that it has actual taste and is made from actual ingredients and not just water and excessive advertising.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"wmπnl˜µnz!90;¬am¶˚-1mx-1!er0-#%lQkl" (Don't stop until you hear the whistle).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-12.5) over Duke. Let's not forget that while Duke is not the same awful, horrible, disgustingly bad Duke team this season, the Ramblin' Wreck is capable of rushing for 500 yards.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

C.J. Gable, RB, USC

Now this just doesn't make sense: Gable comes into the season as the Trojans' most-experienced rusher and then Stafon Johnson gets hurt clearing the way for more carries. Nonetheless, C.J., you have played in nine games and have 16 fucking carries! Touch the ball already!

Heisman Watch:

1. Darwinism
2. The guy who gets his heart ripped out in Temple of Doom. At least the guy had heart. ZING!
3. Tiramisu
4. Pearl Jam's Ten

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?
4. Al Groh, Virginia

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Ole Miss' From Dixie With Love

It's probably a good thing that this song has been banned. "The South will rise again?" Jeez. This isn't 1850!

Babe of the Week:

Brianna

That bathing suit must be comfortable.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Bracketology in November: love it!

2009-11-12T01:15:00.000-08:00

It's never too early to get Joe Lunardi going. Who are we kidding? The man finishes work in March and then takes a five-month vacation. Livin' the life...

Nonetheless, most teams have played less than three games and we're already looking at seeds. Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan State and Texas all seem pretty safe as your November No. 1s. We love our Dawgs at a No. 3, getting a good draw with the Southland winner in Round 1 and a date with Tubby Smith's Gophers in the second round.

Perhaps our favorite part about these: the last four in and first four out!

Gonna be a lot of sweating for LSU (in) and some hanging heads for not getting that all-important Big East tournament victory (Marquette).

See the entire bracket in all of its glory here. College basketball, folks. Let's get excited!

The Madden Curse now applies to real companies with real people who once had real jobs

2009-11-11T02:55:00.000-08:00

We all know about the Madden Curse and how it turns a once healthy player into someone as brittle as a toothpick structure. Look at Shaun Alexander. He hurts his foot and seemingly forgets how to move more than two steps without falling down.

But once a running joke and eerie string of coincidences has started affecting real people. EA Sports is taking all sorts of financial hits.

Electronic Arts said Monday that it lost $391 million in its fiscal second quarter and will lay off 1,500 people.

EA's loss widened from last year's $310 million in red ink. But on an adjusted basis, EA earned $19 million compared with a loss of $20 million last year. Revenue was down 12% to $788 million.

People losing jobs is not funny. Real shit, man.

What is funny: Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, Brett Favre and Troy Polamalu. You get the drift.

[The Hollywood Reporter via Ben Maller]

The San Francisco Giants in the offseason: still can't take a walk

2009-11-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

Our pal Simon from the cleverly titled blog SimonOnSports asked us some questions about a Giants team that makes us holler in joy and scream in agony. More often scream in agony.

You can read all about the Giants here. To hear about a team who knows how to move a runner over with less than two outs, check back with SimonOnSports at a later date.

Tiger Woods' new home is big, ugly

2009-11-10T02:25:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods has lots of money, little architecture experience and a wife who is hot. That last part doesn't have much to do with anything. But Woods is spending lots of money to build what appears to be a greenhouse. Or a motel.

Is there any wonder that golfer Tiger Woods had everybody working on his new ocean-to-Intracoastal homestead on Jupiter Island sign a confidentiality agreement? I mean, look at this place! It's a cross between a discount motel and a beachside nursing home! But hey, from what I've been told, Woods' Swedish missus, Elin Nordegren, has been calling the shots on this one. Woods in 2006 bought four adjacent properties on the tony island for a Martin County record $44.5 million. The then tore down the existing homes, including a classic-looking manse.

Missing: an indoor mini-golf course.

[Page 2 Live via Ben Maller]

College Football teams we can all root against

2009-11-09T05:05:00.000-08:00

We're filled with hate. We hate bland food, Gap commercials and many college football teams.

Not really sure why we dislike certain teams -- do we root against uniform, players or both? Probably both. While every college football fan hates their rival, most fans can come together for some community hate.

The top five teams that we all can root against every Saturday:

5. Ohio State

Whether it's Jim Tressel's ridiculous sweater vest, Brutus Buckeye's nonsense or Ohio State just giving us lousy championship games far too often, the Buckeyes are worth rooting against just so we don't have to see them an SEC team after the new year.

4. Alabama

Between Nick Saban being an asshole and a Golden Retriever being able to successfully play QB for the Tide, there's nothing likable about this team. Except the numbers on the helmet. That's pretty cool.

3. Florida

Urban Meyer + Tim Tebow + two National Championships in three years (and maybe more) = a lot of hostility from everyone else.

2. USC

It's always been a running joke that LA still has a professional football team and they wear red and gold. We've actually sorta liked a lot of the players that have come through SC and we don't really have any problems with Pete Carroll. Yet when you win seven straight Pac-10 titles, go to seven BCS bowl games in a row and finish in the top five seven straight years, you're going to have a very big X on your back. And what's up with Will Ferrell and Snoop Dogg? Go make Old School 2 already and stay away from the football field.

1. Notre Dame

We really think our biggest problem with the Irish is that the BCS will do anything to get them into a major bowl game. They could be 10-2, with wins over the regular of Michigan State, Stanford, Navy, etc. and go to a premiere game when you leave the likes of Boise State, TCU and Utah out.

And when Brady Quinn is succeeded by Jimmy Clausen, you really just wanna sock Charlie Weis in the gut for recruiting such pompous pricks.

What teams do you root against? Share your hate in the comments...

Pre-Gaming: Where are all the good games?

2009-11-06T03:45:00.000-08:00

It wasn't too long ago that we had weekends where there would be like 10 ranked teams playing one another. The M Zone, one of our favorite college football blogs (RIP), had a fun post one weekend in 2006 where there were seven games between two ranked teams.

Now it seems these types of weekends are obsolete. Not really sure why. Perhaps with the emergence of strong non-BCS teams, when conference foes meet, there aren't as many good games on paper.

Not too long ago, 98% of the rankings were teams from the Pac-10, ACC, Big East, SEC, Big 12 and Big 10. Now you have only 19 teams ranked from major conferences. That's actually still more than we expected -- maybe it's just lousy scheduling in that all the good games are just sort of spread out.

But we remember those days where running errands, going shopping or taking a day trip were completely out of the picture. But now, with usually only one or two decent games a weekend, we'll be hitting Crate&Barrel and wine country on the same day. (Not actually. That would be like sticking your penis in a blender).

Of course there are other good games besides the ones between two ranked teams. But when it comes to Pre-Gaming and other preview columns, it sure makes you think -- albeit for a second -- about going beyond at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Which games will provide pleasant surprises this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 9 LSU at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I want to think this game will be epic -- one for the ages. Yet after watching Florida-LSU and Alabama-Ole Miss (the other "marquee" SEC games this season) I just don't see it happening. Rather I see Gary Danielson getting frustrated over the sloppy play and just being generally disappointed. Nonetheless, having Verne and Gary on the call -- and two top-10 teams -- makes this a must-watch. Alabama 3, LSU 2.

No. 16 Ohio State at No. 11 Penn State, 3:30 ABC: I thought there was some simple way where if Penn State wins this game, which it should, and then Ohio State beats Iowa next Saturday, that Penn State would earn the Big 10's Rose Bowl berth. I don't think that's remotely true.

Oh, right! That's it! If Ohio State wins out, which is no easy task (at Penn State, Iowa, at Michigan) the Buckeyes will go to the Rose Bowl.

Fuck. That's no better than Iowa really, except somehow I think Ohio State is good and won't take Iowa seriously when it struggles to beat Arkansas St. and Northern Iowa. Iowa is playing Penn State this week, right? I sorta lost track where this was going. Penn State 17, Ohio State/Iowa 14.

No. 8 Oregon at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., FSN? Versus? TV?: This could go one of two ways:

1. Jeremiah Masoli gets hurt à la Dennis Dixon in 2007 and the Ducks lose their remaining games and end up in the Sun Bowl where they surprisingly crush South Florida.

2. Oregon wins 398-6.

Oregon 398, Stanford 6.

Florida State at Clemson, 7:45 p.m., ESPN
UConn at No. 5 Cincinnati, 8 p.m., ABC
No. 24 Oklahoma at Nebraska, 8 p.m., ABC

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Sake Bomb

1 shot sake rice wine
1 glass beer

It's real easy. Drop the shot of Sake into a glass of beer and the just slam it.

Yeah, slam that fucker!

Nothing quite says college football like a nice Japanese rice wine. And chopsticks.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"jdljaoi˚kjkD330!u9økalπlkakknakjlakjl alkjlAWIkn#$909DAjhlmlk∆˙bzlkpπmƒ∂klhalaeknm kjhkldd8JK*&djalk1E#jn,;kqkj¬∆˜lkjoaxpo,dkjnndjkb?aija~nlkdi¬oçhwq djnlkoi)89u2A!inlk¥ilkadnlknoi Dapnq!jnk*720!knd@4%kn$pqmz1la" (Keep your head up).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon (-7) over Stanford. Did the lines makers not see what the Ducks did to USC last week?! Oregon will be up 14 before the game starts.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-6

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jamere Holland, WR, Oregon

How do I keep making this same mistake? Starting wide receiver + potent offense = fantasy success. Call it the Wes Welker formula.

But not for Mr. Holland. Oh, no. This season: 10 catches, 138 yards, 1 TD. THIS IS ONE FUCKING GAME FOR A PLAYER! NOT ~~EIGHT~~!

Oh, four. He must be hurt. Still. Karma's a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. McLovin
2. The shark from Deep Blue Sea
3. Salma Hayek in Desperado
4. 80s Pop Culture

If I actually had a vote, Houston's Case Keenum and the Vols' Eric Berry (first defender since Charles Woodson!) would be right there. Stewart Mandel also loves that dude from Nebraska whose name is hard to say. But it's more fun to suggest fictional characters might win it because that's how this year's true candidates (Tebow, McCoy) have been playing: like fiction. (YOU JUST GOT SERVED!)

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Nebraska's Mr. Touchdown, USA and the Nebraska March

Right out of The Music Man!

Babe of the Week:

Jamie

Pink is the new black.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2009-11-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

It's our Dad's birthday, so we'll use this space to wish him a happy birthday!

He reads this site and agrees not to tell TBP mother about all the dick, bathroom and sex jokes that occupy much of this space.

We encourage you to wish him a happy birthday in the comments because that's what blogs are for. Certainly not writing about sports...

New Year's Day Bowl Games used to mean something

2009-11-05T01:45:00.000-08:00

Remember when New Year's Day was filled with awesome games like the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Citrus (Capital One) Bowl and Cotton Bowl.

Those pit good teams from good conferences who play in front of fans who are hung over but certainly like good teams from good conferences playing each other.

But the new Dallas Football Classic seems to have little regard for New Year's Day tradition.

Dallas city leaders say the Dallas Football Classic is planned for New Year's Day 2011. The plan calls for using teams from the Big 12, Big Ten and perhaps Conference USA.

The first game will likely pit the seventh-ranked team from the Big 12 against the sixth-ranked team from the Big Ten, should those teams be excluded from Bowl Championship Season consideration.

Super! If the game were played this year, we'd have 5-4 Iowa State and 4-5 Michigan State. Of course neither team is bowl-eligible yet, but that doesn't really matter. Who needs to see six-win teams on New Year's Day anyway? Regardless, everyone will be tuned in to the Cotton Bowl. Oh. Wait. That's now on Jan. 2. Heaven help us...

Morning Headlines: Yankees win World Series

2009-11-05T00:25:00.000-08:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[World Series Game 6 box score]

-Pettitte, Jeter lead way as Yanks get key win

-Manuel: 'The bullpen calmed down nicely'

-Swisher, Gardner, others get first ring

And that's it for baseball for a while. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted. Your World Series headlines in the comments...

These guys could teach Joe Buck a thing or two

2009-11-04T02:25:00.000-08:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I don’t know exactly when, but at some point in the not-too-distant future, baseball will lose a great man. Ernie Harwell -- the voice of the Tigers for 42 years -- will succumb to the cancer currently ailing him.

I have never met Mr. Harwell nor have I been to Comerica Park. I do, however, know what it’s like to lose the voice of your team.

Bill King was the voice I heard every time I listened to an A’s game as a child. When he died in 2005, I was saddened not only because the Bay Area had lost 40 years of broadcasting gold, but also because I felt like I hadn’t heard him enough. From the Holy Roller to Hatteberg winning the 20th in a row, Bill King was there.

I had the opportunity to meet Bill King -- albeit briefly -- in 2004 at Spring Training. My only regret -- as with his overall career -- was that I didn’t talk to him for longer.

I consider Bill King and Ernie Harwell cut out of the same cloth. Legends in their field that almost transcend their sport. I feel the loss of Bill King only when I hear a great moment in A’s past with him on the call. I can only imagine that Tigers fans have the same feeling while listening to games on the radio.

This is one of the many reasons why people hate the likes of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Okay, so there are at least a hundred thousand reasons, but I don’t feel like going over all of them. The best possible way to handle that situation is to give over all nationally televised baseball games to Jon Miller. Miller works Giants games Monday through Saturday and does ESPN Sunday night games. Oh, and he’s a fantastic broadcaster and I’m an A’s fan.

Frankly, I’m not sure there is such thing as a great or even good color commentator. More people tend to focus on play-by-play men like Bill King and Ernie Harwell.

These are men who set the standard for excellence in broadcasting carried out by someone like Jon Miller. They are treasures of the game and are honored as such by their communities and fans. And while I could go on an El-Dorado-sized rant about Bill King not being in the Baseball Hall of Fame, I will abstain. For now.

I would like to offer good thoughts to Ernie Harwell and all Tigers fans. As I said, I’ve never met Mr. Harwell but I hope to go to a Tigers game in person sometime soon. For those of you who may have grown up with a similarly stand-out voice, think a good thought for that person. Whether it be Foster Hewitt, the late Myra Cope or Johnny Most, or Ernie Harwell, treasure those moments when they helped teach you the game.

Square up the shoulders, drive through the ball carrier...

2009-11-03T02:35:00.000-08:00

And a fantastic tackle! Helmet sticker for that one.

While these uniforms look nothing alike, we imagine this will be the example cited the next time both teams want to wear dark jerseys.

Note the reaction at the 32-second mark. Fantastic stuff. Truly fantastic!

[Deadspin via Hot Clicks]

Insert Oregon into the BCS Title discussion

2009-11-02T02:25:00.000-08:00

It's not likely that Oregon will have a shot at a BCS Championship -- the Ducks would have to have all sorts of help to get in the top two of the BCS standings. Probably need five of the seven undefeated teams in front of them in the BCS standings to lose, including Boise State.

Bad news for Oregon. Great news for Florida, Alabama and Texas. There hasn't been a more dominant team the last five weeks than Oregon. They're unstoppable on offense -- over 600 yards of total offense and nearly 400 RUSHING Saturday! -- and the defense is very good. Oregon's speed on offense versus Florida's speed on defense would be a game that we're sure many would like to see.

USC is admittedly shocked and felt like they kept getting punched in the face. It's hard to imagine an offense better than the Dennis-Dixon-led squad in '07, but this team's might be better.

It's seems like another season where Oregon lost to Boise State and lost it's star running back for the season. But the Ducks might be better off with the speed of LaMichael James rather than the bruising style of LeGarrette Blount.

Oregon travels to Stanford next week, followed by the Arizona schools and a Thursday Cival War date with Oregon State. Rolling off 11-straight wins to close the season seems very likely. A trip to Pasadena equally as likely. But will it be on Jan. 1 or Jan. 7?

Morning Headlines: Yankees 7, Phillies 4

2009-11-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[World Series Game 4 box score]

-Yankees' two-run first plenty as NY rolls

-Utley, Feliz homer as Phils lose

-Jeter: 'Joba was huge for us tonight'

Your Game 4 headlines in the comments...

Pre-Gaming: Halloween Edition

2009-10-30T02:55:00.000-07:00

Saturday is Halloween and it's college football, so they're essentially combining two great days which should make one cluster fuck of excellence.

This is where I could go all cliché on you and say, "Which teams have been wearing disguises all season," but that's bullshit and I'd rather talk about candy.

The fact that people just open their doors to strangers and give them delicious treats is one of the greatest concepts in the modern era.

It does still seem funny that when the door is opened -- and ideally there's a mid-4os middle-manager standing there dressed as a fucking astronaut -- the kids still say, "trick or treat." There is no trick. I'm waiting for that guy to say, "We don't have any candy, but here are 12 DOVES!"

Trick or treating is one of the best events there is. And I've done it so much -- pretty much up until college I would knock on doors -- I've become an expert on the candy that's given out. Here's how I'd rank them...

1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc. These candies are all spectacular and uncommon, making them Halloween gold.

2. Full-size bars.

More is better.

3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.

Yes. Good. No reason to go all original on us. Stick to the basics and you'll get some happy visitors.

4. Juice.

I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.

If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!

5. Life Savers.

6. Smarties.

Highly underrated. The sour is just right and the chalk texture is perfect.

7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark.

Highly overrated. Some people love this. Not me. BORING! This is the Big 10 of Halloween candy.

8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?) The ones in the strawberry wrapper are especially disgusting.

9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. Better hire a window washer to get that egg off, you health-conscious prick.

10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Seriously. These people took the phrase, "Throw money at the problem," far too literally.

Who will be giving us a treat this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon, 8 p.m., ABC: This game used to be good for like 100 combined points and 900 yards. Now both the Trojans and Ducks play defense. Too bad. Perhaps it's our Pac-10 bias, but we'd love to see the winner get one of those SEC squads. We'd put our money on SC over Florida or 'Bama. Not Oregon. That's why we're going Trojans in this one. USC 21, Oregon 18.

No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC: Colt McCoy might be the most underwhelming QB to have a 70 percent completion rate. Texas 34, Oklahoma State 24.

Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:

The World's Largest Outdoor...

-Pukefest
-Open-air orgy
-Port A Potty
-Culmination of bad decisions
-AA meeting

Florida 40, Georgia 21.

No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Washington State vs. No. 23 Notre Dame at San Antonio, 7:30 p.m., NBC. This is by no means a one-bunny game. It'd be like a negative-six-bunny game if there were such a thing.

Why it's here: BECAUSE THE GAME IS IN FUCKING TEXAS! This makes as much sense as advanced calculus because why would a team from the the Northwest and a team from the Midwest meet for a low-profile showdown in southern Texas? Either the Irish schedule-makers were unsure about U.S. geography or they actually think they're expanding their global reach by playing in Mexico, despite San Antonio not being in Mexico and it's in Texas and Notre Dame is HOSTING Washington State in San Antonio, TEXAS! This is bizarre. Notre Dame 482, Washington State siete.

No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn, 12.21 p.m., Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Jager Bomb

1/2 can Red Bull
1 .5 oz Jagermeister

Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of Jagermeister, and chug.

A good drink for a tough defeat. Something about chugging uppers and downers seems like it should come with a side of EMT. And these are fucking gross. And will lead to bad decisions...

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"dWnoix®ykjpµ˜lk≈g&skJ!J#" (Don't give up the big play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Notre Dame (-28) over Washington State. We just predicted that the Irish would win by 475 points. The 28 shouldn't be a problem again the hapless Cougs.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Nic Grigsby, RB, Arizona

The junior back is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and has five TDs on the year, yet has carried the ball a combined 22 times in the last four games! We know you like to throw the ball 328 times a game, Mike Stoops, but haven't you heard the football axiom: run to set up the pass?

Heisman Watch:

1. Borat
2. The barista from Friends they all wanted to bang
3. Alf
4. SEC referees

Nope. No one wants it, no one gets it.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Washington's Bow Down to Washington

This legendary piece was written by Mozart, Beethoven, The Beatles and U2 (before they sucked). It is perfect for any mood, event or game and has been known to be an aphrodisiac. It also suffices as a lullaby, Hollywood theme song and elevator music.

It guarantees happiness and is said to help people successfully lose weight.

Babe of the Week:

Heather Rae

Slap a pair of bunny ears on and you'd have a "costume."

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

It's hard work being Tim McCarver

2009-10-29T01:25:00.000-07:00

Being a catcher is hard work, man. Gotta be able to hit a nasty slider, handle a similar nasty slider and play at your best in the toughest situations.

For former catcher Tim McCarver, that was the easy part. Trying to broadcast a World Series is much more difficult.

Veteran Fox analyst Tim McCarver used to be a catcher. But, he suggests, his mike presents more challenges than foul tips. "It's a lot tougher to announce a World Series that it is to play in one," he says. "Playing in it, you can do something about it."

It's also tough work when you're not very smart. And, hey, forming complete sentences with verbs and nouns and adjectives is challenging for any grown up.

Not quoted in the story: Joe Buck.

[USA Today via Ben Maller]

The train wreck that is the Washington Redskins

2009-10-29T00:45:00.000-07:00

Very funny sign! Good work, 'Skins fans! Too bad this got you kicked out of the stadium because Dan Snyder is now controlling free speech.

Still, is Snyder the one to blame? He throws money at problems and makes some costly signings, yet are you complaining about Albert Haynesworth, D.C.? Think Zorn might be the right scapegoat in this situation.

There is talent on this team. Sorta. More than a lot of the better teams in this league. Yet the Redskins, along with the Raiders, are the most hopeless organization in football.

But clever fans. Yeah, bring out the paper bags next home game! Though the sign police might make you switch to plastic...

[Mr. Irrelevant via Busted Coverage]

Morning Headlines: World Series Game 1

2009-10-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Yankees-Phillies box score]

-Yankees bullpen "costly" in Game 1.

-Girardi: 'Ibanez killed us'

-Rollins' error not costly

Your Fall Classic headlines, please.

5 reasons why the World Series sucks

2009-10-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

Game 1 of the World Series is hours away and, with the exception of 2002, we will likely be watching something else.

Maybe it's the teams, the ample other sporting events going on or FOX's telecasts, but this time of year, we just sorta lose interest. It's kinda the same feeling Orioles fans have in May.

Have similar feelings? Thought so. Here are five reasons why the World Series sucks.

5. Weather

Today's forecast in New York: High of 54, low of 45, rain.
Saturday's forecast in Philadelphia: High of 63, low of 45, rain.

Fantastic. You're shoulder pads and goalposts away from a football game.

4. East Coast

More particular to 2009 than the World Series in general, but it seems that often we'll have two teams competing for a championship that nobody west of the Mississippi cares about. Not that we'd prefer a Dodgers-Angels World Series. Actually, that would be worse. The Giants and Royals would be better, thanks.

3. Fairweather fans

Oh, the guy in the next cubicle over has been, "A fan FOREVER," has he? Sure. Whatever. He also roots for the Gators, New England and the Lakers AND Celtics (because he has ties to both teams).

And don't think we're just talking about the Yankees.

The Phillies have won far more recently than the Yanks who are looking for their first ring since 2000. We've seen more Philadelphia hats in California than A's hats lately.

2. Celebrity sightings

Certainly worse than usual with two big-market teams, but we don't need to be reminded 10 times throughout the game that Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod. If we wanted to see Hudson, we'd rent You, Me and Dupree and proceed to gouge out our eyes with a mechanical pencil. Let's stick to the baseball, fellas, and leave the B-list celebrities to TMZ.

1. Joe Buck

Joe Buck arrives just in time to bring fun, humor and excitement to baseball. Except that he doesn't and he looks at little girls the wrong way. He saps all the fun and pleasure out of the Fall Classic and injects monotone and boredom.

And let's not let Tim McCarver off the hook. He was held back in Kindergarten. Twice.

We're SPORTS blogs, people! Let's keep it that way...

2009-10-27T01:15:00.000-07:00

Lots of commentary the last week of what's been going on with blogs bringing to light various scandals and affairs that have nothing to do with sports, yet feel obligated to comment on it.

Deadspin's taken lots of heat for this post and this one. Steve Phillips, recently fired from ESPN for having an affair, is also being talked about throughout the sports blogosphere because people seem to think that a corporate employee who slept with a P.A. is newsworthy.

We're not often ones to judge. This site has been crass as any; but we're talking about real people, with real families leading real lives that are getting really fucked up. Is it blogs' -- or any media's -- place to report on who's sleeping with whom? This isn't fucking TMZ or some other smut-peddling rag. We're sports blogs. We talk about Xs and Os, hanging curves and game-winners and why the Redskins are so fucking dreadful.

Leave the professional mishaps to Human Resources. Now go about talking about things that actually matter...like sports.

Alex Smith is good? Young Alex Smith is good?

2009-10-26T02:15:00.000-07:00

Young Alex Smith was a nice punching bag for our jokes to land as this site launched in late 2005. He was the big-money guy who played like a guy, well, who couldn't hold onto the football very well.

Humor turned into sympathy as the guy could never really latch on. Hard to feel bad for a guy worth nearly $50 million, but the guy tried hard, failed, got hurt, continued to fail and then became a backup to Shaun Hill who is recognizable in about 4% of the country.

Is the Alex Smith we saw in Sunday's 24-21 loss to Houston the one that was worthy of a top pick? Pretty early to tell. Don Banks' snap judgment might say so. Not sure about his clock management, though.

We're relatively excited that Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree -- two draft picks, unlike Smith, we were totally stoked about on Draft Day -- are becoming significant pieces of the passing game. (That probably constitutes a snap judgment on the Crabtree front).

Not so excited that the Niners have lost two in a row (and haven't won in three weeks). And at Indy next week. Eesh.

Pre-gaming: College Football is entertainment, after all. Let's go already!

2009-10-23T03:55:00.000-07:00

Anyone else, we hate to say it, bored?

This (albeit young) college football season is just missing something.

Where's the BCS chaos?
Where's the epic Heisman race?
Where are the multiple top-5 matchups?

We have Florida, Alabama, Texas and everyone else. And, frankly, those three teams would get crushed by the 2008 Florida, Alabama and Texas.

It just seems that the overall college football landscape is down. And that happens. And that's fine. I understand that not every season can be littered with stars and top talent.

But where's the excitement?

I was on board with a few games last weekend -- Arkansas-Florida was fun; USC-ND got wild at the end; and there was a great finish to the Washington-Arizona State game if you like the feeling of 1,000 daggers covered with cobra venom thrust into your back.

Two weeks ago we had those SEC battles between Florida-LSU and Ole Miss-Alabama that rivaled Lost in Translation in terms of entertainment value. That's when I started to realize that I'm not having fun this college football season.

One of the reasons I so love Gary Danielson calling the (usually) 3:30 p.m. CBS game is because he calls the game as a fan with an analyst's knowledge. So when Florida and LSU were playing a boring, sloppy game, he seemed genuinely disappointed -- like he had been promised Saving Private Ryan and instead got The Thin Red Line.

So I, too, feel a little cheated. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CLASSICS ALREADY! It's only Week 8. Still plenty of time for some fireworks...

Who will be giving us a show this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

None. Good weekend to go bury your head in a sandbox.

No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get wood for the Mountain West. The Mountain West is to football as the Missouri Valley Conference was to mid-2000s basketball.

Mid-majors duking it out, playing in front of passionate fans -- some of which can't drink a Pepsi but sure love football! -- in packed stadiums in games that really matter.

Not a whole lot of talk about TCU as a BCS contender yet, but if the Frogs win this game, a mid-November home date with Utah could be the only thing in the way of TCU and a Orange-Bowl berth.

Boise State and TCU would scare BCS bigwigs, while making the college football fan -- and BCS haters -- very happy. Here's to the Horned Frogs and screwing the BCS! TCU 20, BYU 14.

Oregon State at No. 7 USC, 8 p.m., ABC:

Taylor Mays jokes are fun!

-Taylor Mays can slam a revolving door
-Taylor Mays is so fast he celebrates his birthday every 300 days.
-15 minutes saves Taylor Mays 20% on car insurance.
-Taylor Mays can find Carmen Sandiego.
-When Taylor Mays does math, 100 x 0 = 100.
-According to Mapquest, Taylor Mays can drive from LA to Paris in two hours -- with traffic!
-When it rains, Taylor Mays doesn't get wet.

USC 38, Oregon State 27.

No. 13 Penn State at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: This should be exciting for people who enjoy pastels, vanilla ice cream and reading dictionaries." Penn State 10, Michigan 6.

No. 3 Texas at Missouri, 8 p.m., ABC.

South Florida at No. 20 Pittsburgh, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arkansas at Ole Miss 12:21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tenneseee at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Oklahoma at N0. 25 Kansas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Auburn at No. 9 LSU, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Zima

You're 99-percent guaranteed to get your ass kicked, but your team still has a 50-50 shot to win, unless you're North Texas.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"2?@9lamn1#50&AdloipacK" (Don't stop moving your feet).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-5.5) over Virginia. Don't let that 2-0 ACC record fool you. This is the same Virginia team that lost to William & Mary.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Oregon

"Day-to-day" is the most frustrating thing a fan can hear. Either you're ready or you're not. It's fucking night and day, buddy. Either your knee is going to hold up or it's going to fall off like a leper. Don't leave us to this speculating business.

Heisman Watch:

1. Keyser Soze
2. Batman
3. Tyler Durden
4. That hot chick from American Pie.

Ha! Like you're winning the Heisman, Mark Ingram. Worst Heisman race I can remember. Can they just not give one out this year?

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Virginia Tech's Tech Triumph

Sorta sounds like something they played near the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Babe of the Week:

Mia Lai

She probably gets lai-d a lot. Bada ching!

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

'He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that'

2009-10-23T01:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, Ron Artest in the Philippines. Great stuff. Turn the volume up. The commentators are fantastic!

"He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that."
"Oh yes."

They can't teach that stuff...

Ronnie Brown, with a hotel, is gonna cost you a pretty penny

2009-10-22T02:45:00.000-07:00

Fantastic work by The Pigskin Doctors to come up with this amazing Monopoly Board of running backs by committee.

We've always been a huge fan of the yellow-green corner, though the Ravens'-Cowboys' tandem ain't gonna cut it.

Can always win on the railroads, too. The New England Patriots are always winners...

Bottom line: build, build, build. Even Jerome Harrison with a hotel will fuck you.

[Via Hot Clicks]

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to win NLCS 4-1

2009-10-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score]

-Phils score one in 7th, one in 8th to capture NL pennant

- Troncoso (2/3 innings) remains perfect in NLCS

- Phils strand five, but pitching carries team back to World Series

Half of the World Series match-up is complete. Fire away at 'em Phils in the comments.

Cockfighting, rain in Seattle

2009-10-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Seasonal Affect Disorder is big in Seattle; the rain, cold and gray adds up and causes legitimate unhappiness. A man busted for a cockfighting ring has nothing to do with that.

A South Seattle man accused of raising roosters for an alleged cockfighting ring has been charged.

According to the statement of probable cause, several of the seized roosters had alterations to their body, including wattles, combs and earlobes removed, and one or both of he spurs cut. These alterations are "consistent with those made on birds trained and used in cockfighting," investigators said.

Also found at the home were knives, sparring muffs, tools, medical supplies, iron-enriched vitamins and supplements -- all supplies often used by those who organize or participate in cockfighting rings. Along with the paraphernalia, officers found a dismembered chicken foot "that appeared to be used for practice in applying the knifes," the statement said.

Um, better than dogs? Let the Michael Vick jokes begin. (Seriously, though, there is nothing funny about cockfighting. That's pretty fucked up. Wonder who won?)

The Toronto Maple Sox?

2009-10-21T01:35:00.000-07:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Leafs are 0-6-1 as of Saturday’s loss to the Rangers. Don Cherry has already begun decrying Ron Wilson and Brian Burke but it’s early and Don Cherry’s a Leafs fan deep down. (Note: Any Leafs fan that can confirm or refute the previous statement, please do so). It appears that the Leafs again have issues “in the nets” as former Sharks back-up goalie Vesa Toskala has been less than stellar to say the least. Furthermore, his back-up, Jonas Gustavsson alias “The Monster,” is injured. This -- it seems -- is just another year in the season of the Maple Leafs.

I have tried to figure out a baseball comparison to the Maple Leafs. My first thought was that they were the Boston Red Sox of hockey. They were the second-class team to the Montreal Canadiens and had a history of “almost” just as the Red Sox did. The Leafs did, however, win 13 Cups from 1918 to 1967 and were fairly dominant in the pre-expansion era.

My second thought was that they were the Chicago Cubs of baseball. This, I know, is a tough thing to saddle anyone with. I have a great deal of respect for all the history and lore that is the Chicago Cubs. They have my favorite ballpark (outside of the Coliseum) in Wrigley Field and as everyone knows, haven’t won the World Series since 1908. Furthermore, they haven’t even made the World Series since 1945. What turns me away from a full-on Cubs-Leafs comparison is that there is a part of the Cubs fandom that embraces being the “lovable losers” partying down at 1060 W. Addison 81 times a year. This does not seem to be the arc of the Leafs fan.

I am thus at a bit of a standstill. I know that all three cities have powerful sports media bases scrutinizing their teams. Until the Cubs were just sold, they were owned by the Chicago Tribune. It is my common belief that every last Red Sox game is beamed live and in HD on NESN. Each game has an hour long pre-and-post-game show covering about as much as ESPN tries to do with Monday Night Football. The Leafs are the official team of Toronto even if the Argonauts, Blue Jays, and Raptors continue to play. The only time this may have wavered was 1992 and 1993 when the Blue Jays won the World Series -- although Dougie Gilmour and the Leafs were in the midst of trying to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.

I would like to pose the following questions to Leafs fans: 1. Do you believe the Leafs are comparable to either the Red Sox or the Cubs? 2. Do you think that the Leafs are capable of winning the Cup sometime in the foreseeable future?

A quick revision: I wrote in a previous post that Maple Leaf Gardens was no longer standing. This is false and I will go see it when I’m in Toronto.

Ted Williams saves Halloween

2009-10-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Never too early to start having Halloween parties. Damn, it'd be fun to celebrate Halloween in April. Who needs an excuse to dress up?

This wonderful costume -- Ted Williams' friggin head! -- comes to us from Unathletic Mag with a bounce pass from With Leather.

The whole cryogenic thing has never really made any sense, but nor has math, so who's to complain? If Williams comes back to life (cryogenic freezing brings people back to life, right? As zombies or something?) he'll come back as the first headless .400 hitter of the steroid era.

This totally sucks, but not for me for a change

2009-10-20T02:25:00.000-07:00

I seemed to have won by two yards. Yes, after LT's 100-yard night, I won by .01. That's fucked on all levels for the other guy who is an awesome dude and commenter on the site.

Of course, I thought I was losing by about three yards for the last eight minutes of the game when Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers did everything in their power not to give Tomlinson the ball. I was screaming at the TV and think I might've declared Rivers a racist.

But now Norv Turner is my favorite tackle football coach, Rivers is my favorite player and LT is a fantasy stud. Those things are all true except that they're not. But fantasy team is the best to ever play.

Briefly

2009-10-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

I've put my finger on those Broncos uniforms: it looks like the University of Alabama football helmet, the late 80s San Diego Padres and zebras had one too many tequila shots. (And then had a threesome).

Meanwhile the Broncos remain undefeated and the NFL's most successful surprise. The Titans, at 0-6, would be at the other end of that spectrum.

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to lead NLCS 3-1

2009-10-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score].

-Phils jump on Wolf, Dodgers early; hang on

-Torre: 'Sherrill was huge for us tonight'

-Utley's RBI the difference in lopsided win

Your NLCS headlines in the comments, please.

Just when you think you've got things figured out, the Raiders look like a professional football team

2009-10-19T01:45:00.000-07:00

Head in hands: Philly loses to the lowly Raiders

The thing in professional sports, we guess, that just doesn't happen in the college game are these tremendous surprises. Perhaps it's because of parity and salary caps and the fact that there are only a handful of teams in the league. But in college football, for example, you wouldn't see the most hapless team in the league beat a top-15 team.

In the NFL, though, anything goes. There are some truly awful teams that go out on a weekly basis and embarrass themselves and their fanbases.

But then shit like this happens. The pathetic Raiders just put it together for one day and beat a team that is far superior in every aspect of the game. It's the true definition of "upset," sure. When a one-win team beats a one-loss team in Week 6, it doesn't even seem like much. But the Raiders are AWFUL! Like never-win-another-game-ever awful. Then the defense kicks in, they get a big play and somehow score more points after 60 minutes than the other team. Shocking. Raiders lose by 21 next week...

A Rabbi, ejection and Madison Square Garden; somehow Isiah Thomas not involved

2009-10-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Preseason game between the Knicks and Maccabi Tel Aviv. The Tel Aviv coach gets t'ed up twice: immediate ejection. But he was enjoying New York, his team was playing well and he just didn't want to leave. So, fuck it! He didn't.

The New York Knicks' 106-91 victory over the Euroleague team featured a bizarre delay in the third quarter when the visiting coach refused to leave after he was ejected.

The game was halted about 8 minutes when Pini Gershon continued to linger near Maccabi's bench -- a delay that included a rabbi trying to intervene by asking the NBA's replacement referees calling the game to allow Gershon to stay.

Rabbi's do it all. Perform a Bar Mitzvah, preside over a marriage, give a coach a get-out-of-jail-free card. Now if only they can start delivering wins.

Pre-Gaming: Fried Butter, Taylor Mays and how this year's Heisman race is as lame as the 69th Academy Awards

2009-10-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

Fried butter: the reason why 2/3 of Americans are overweight

Fuck it. Grab some fried butter, a bacon cheeseburger on a doughnut "bun" and let's head straight to the games (and the bathroom).

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 20 Oklahoma at No. 3 Texas at Cotton Bowl, 12 p.m., ABC:

Strong advice from an emailer to Stewart Mandel's mailbag:

You've got to check out the heart-stopping fried food at the Texas State Fair just outside the stadium. My lunch at the fair today included a fried corn dog, fried Oreo, fried butter, fried yam, fried pickles, fried pork chips, fried ribs, fried cheesecake, fried shrimp, fried alligator, and the boring fried potato. Be a man, do the right thing.

That's a big lunch... Fried butter?! Fried cheesecake! The heart attack might be worth it.

Meanwhile this game is 9 a.m. on the West Coast. NO WONDER WE'RE FUCKING PISSED OFF! Everything is so neatly arranged for those East Coasters. But there's a little something called Friday Night. And often the plan does not involve waking up at 9 a.m. to watch an important football game. Poor planning.

Texas 28, Oklahoma 17.

No. 6 USC at No. 25 Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC:

For Taylor Mays, 2+2=5.
Taylor Mays is faster than the speed of light.
Taylor Mays can kill two stones with one bird.
If you have $5 and Taylor Mays has $5, Taylor Mays has more money than you.
Taylor Mays can believe it's not butter.
Taylor Mays won a hand of Hold 'Em with five aces.
Taylor Mays can divide by zero.
Taylor Mays watches 60 minutes in a half hour.

USC 38, Notre Dame 24.

No. 4 Virginia Tech at No. 19 Georgia Tech, 6 p.m., ESPN2

No. 22 South Carolina at No. 2 Alabama, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Love or hate Steve Spurrier, you gotta admit that visor makes him more ready to play the back nine than coach a football team. Yet it somehow works. Some people call that "style." Alabama 31, South Carolina 10.

Texas Tech at No. 15 Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ABC. Not so sure why "system quarterback" is such a dirty term. The Red Raiders' backup -- in his first career start! -- threw for 490 yards and seven touchdowns last week in a rout of Kansas State. Perhaps other teams should consider this "system." Texas Tech 38, Nebraska 35.

No. 11 Iowa at Wisconsin, 12 p.m., ESPN.

Missouri at No. 16 Oklahoma St., 9:15 p.m., ESPN2.
Arkansas at No. 1 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tequila Shots

1 1/2 oz. tequila Lemon or lime wedge 1 pinch of salt Moisten the back of your hand below the index finger (usually by licking) and pour on the salt. Lick the salt off your hand. Drink the tequila. Quickly bite the lemon or lime wedge. Rinse and repeat.

Certain types of alcohol can set a mood:

When you're having a party at your house and your buddy and his girlfriend bring over a bottle of wine, you know that it's going to be low-key, boring night and you're going to resent your friend's GF because she's low-key and boring and makes him low-key and boring.

Tequila shots would be at the other end of the spectrum. Want to have a night that's going to be full of fun and bad decisions? Skip the lime and take another shot.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"J9opiøwµ#√5∆sA-1" (Every play counts).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Kansas (-10) over Colorado. The Buffs are fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Todd Reesing has been the KU quarterback since 1998.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-4

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Sean Canfield, QB, Oregon State

You play quarterback for fuck's sake! It's OK to throw a touchdown every once in a while.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

This is the lamest Heisman race ever. The winner is going to win it because no one else did. It'll be like the year that the English Patient won Best Picture because none of the other movies were really any good.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Alabama's Go Bama

I don't like the Tide one bit, so hearing this song after every play is tiresome. But certainly catchy. This shit could be top-40!

Babe of the Week:

Candy Ace

Hi, how are ya? Is that your real name?

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Ruth. Williams. Wait a second, Barry Bonds took steroids?

2009-10-15T02:05:00.000-07:00

SI's Joe Posnanski wrote a column yesterday evaluating the best hitters to ever play the game. Pure hitter. No base-stealing. No five tool bullshit. Just hitting.

The list is pretty much what you'd expect and will create all sorts of debate that is completely moot because you don't compare apples and oranges, steroids and non-steroids and other things that are clichéd opposites.

Some notable current names: Ken Griffey Jr., Frank Thomas, Albert Pujols, Manny, Vlad, Todd Helton...the list goes on and features many current and recent players.

Though The Big Lead isn't so sure that Pujols, only in his ninth season, should be ranked so high on an all-time list.

And we're not sure why Barry Bonds isn't No. 1. Again, apples and oranges blah blah blah. But no player we have ever seen will change the way the game is played and Barry did that. Give the cream and a clear an assist, but steroids don't improve plate discipline.

Read the list. Get heated. And debate in the comments.

ENOUGH! Play the damn game already

2009-10-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

Saturday: Dodgers beat Cardinals 5-1 to sweep series.
Sunday: Angels beat Red Sox 7-6 and Yankees beat Twins 4-1 to both sweep
Monday: Phillies beat Rockies 5-4 to win series in four.
Tuesday: Nothing happens
Wednesday: Nothing happens
Thursday: Game 1 of the NCLS; THE YANKEES AND ANGELS HAVE BEEN OFF FOR NEARLY A WEEK!
Friday: Game 1 of the ALCS. Oh, now you'd like to play baseball.

This isn't the freakin' NBA, man. Baseball players don't need four days off between games. They hardly even run. The real question, of course, is who does the extra rest give an advantage to? Which teams will the break mess up?

We'll see tomorrow. And then Friday. Fuck. Monday through Wednesday with nothing but the NHL is worse than King of the Hill reruns.

Morning Headlines: John Wooden turns 99!

2009-10-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Wooden celebrates 99th birthday].

-Purdue grad inches closer to 100

-Wooden: 'We'll probably just have cake'

-44-15 record at Indiana State no small feat for little-known coach

Your headlines and dinosaur jokes in the comments.

0-82: How the Warriors have already ensured themselves a terrible 09-10 season

2009-10-14T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's a very good thing we don't care for the NBA (or the Warriors, really) because Golden State is becoming the Oakland Raiders of professional basketball.

A timeline:

-August: Stephen Jackson publicly asks to be traded.

-Sept. 28: Monta Ellis says he won't share the backcourt with first-round pick Stephen Curry.

-Oct. 9: Jackson bursts out at coach Don Nelson in preseason game against the Lakers and gets two-game suspension for it.

-Oct. 13: Jackson asked to relinquish his position as captain, but doesn't really seem to mind.

"I don't want to be a role model. ... Being captain was overrated to me, anyway. You don't do anything but go out before the game and talk to the refs. I don't want to do that, anyway."

We're sure far more missteps have happened since going 29-53 last season, but we haven't really paid much attention, because these are the Warriors and bad things happen to the Warriors.

So, who's ready for basketball season? Wake us up when the Lakers have won it again.

The 10 Worst NFL Teams

2009-10-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

We already noted how 2009 has some of the most awful-est, worst-est teams ever in the NFL. Parity has come and gone and now you have about 20 decent teams and the 10 others you get healthy on.

10. Buffalo (1-4)

Think: if Leodis McKelvin holds onto the ball, the Bills are, somehow, 7-0 and have already clinched a first-round bye.

9. Carolina (1-3)

All losses are against possible playoff teams, yet the Panthers' sole win is against the Redskins who just lost to the New York Yankees.

8. Tennessee (0-5)

Likely to be 0-6 after traveling to Foxborough, but three of the losses have come against Jets, Colts and Steelers. Wonder if Jeff Fisher will shave the mustache to "shake things up."

7. Detroit (1-4)

They're competitive. More than you can say about some of the two-win teams. But they're the Lions. Bad things find this team. Matthew Stafford will get a self-inflicted knee injury next week that will take 10 years to rehab.

6. Washington (2-3)

The 'Skins are perhaps the worst 2-3 team -- which could easily be 3-3 after next week's home game against the Chiefs -- ever. They haven't played a team with a win at the time! Close wins over Tampa and St. Louis aren't gonna cut it. The worst organization not named the Raiders.

5. Tampa Bay (0-5)

The Bucs can't catch a break. They're absolutely dreadful, yet could go winless and still NOT get the first pick in the 2010 Draft.

4. Cleveland (.5-3)

A 6-3 win over Buffalo doesn't constitute a full victory. Not another winnable game until Nov. 22 (at Detroit). The real question becomes: Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy?

3. Kansas City (0-5)

Jared Allen could really be helping that defense right about now... But, hey, the Chiefs get Oakland again in about a month.

2. St. Louis (0-5)

On the bright side, the Rams held the Redskins to just nine points. Defense wins championships.

1. Oakland (1-4)

How can you say the Raiders are worse than the Chiefs? Call us prophetic, but Oakland might never win a game ever again. EVER. AGAIN. Horrible management, a coach who may or may not have threatened to kill another coach, and a QB who might be the biggest bust ever. This is like watching a combination of an awful high-school team and a train wreck.

Break out the toques, Timbits, loud jackets, and Officer Koharsky jokes, it's hockey season

2009-10-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

So, it’s hockey season, even if it isn’t quite cold enough for the snow to begin falling in Brampton. Since the season opened already and there’s no point in me trying to make predictions about a sport I didn’t grow up watching, here are a few broad generalizations:

1. The continued success of the “Original 6” is not just good for the NHL, it’s just plain good.

2. It has been 16 years since the Montreal Canadiens hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup for the 24th time. No Canadian team has won it since and I hope that Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, or Ottawa does.

3. I will bore many a person pontificating on how I think the Winter Classic match-up should be Boston vs. Montreal instead of Boston vs. Philadelphia.

4. That being said, if Chris Pronger and Zedeno Chara get into a center ice/infield fight and they align the rink so that you can check someone into Pesky’s pole, I may be swayed differently.

5. Don Cherry will say something that will make me laugh, confuse me, and make me angry.

6. I will see promos for “The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos” and being curious only in the time between when I see it and the close of the period.

7. Sean Avery will make someone angry. I don’t know who, I don’t know how, but this is about as easy a guess I can make as saying that Ichiro will have 200 hits again next year.

8. People -- and yes, it has already started: I saw Barry Melrose and John Buccigross discussing it on ESPN -- will proclaim that “The Great 8”/Alex Ovechkin could break Gretzky’s scoring record. This cannot be done, no matter how good Ovechkin is now and can be in the future. Gretzky was next-level good to the point that they changed the rules after him.

9. I will continue to be amazed/envious/slightly jealous of the awe and reverence that Canadians hold for Lord Stanley’s Cup. It will be for this reason that I will once again want the Canucks, Oilers, Flames, Leafs, Senators, or Canadiens to win the Cup if and only if the Sharks are unable to do so.

Ha! Take that, Boston

2009-10-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

We're so used to Boston winning everything that when the city has a day like it did Sunday, we're not really sure what to do but stand around with hands in our pockets looking a little confused.

But the Red Sox -- even better: Jonathan Papelbon! -- gave up three runs in the ninth to get swept under the rug. And the Patriots lost in OT to Denver!

Welcome to pain, misery and losing, Boston. This is what sports is really like...

-Take that, Red Sox

-Take that, Patriots

-Take that, Jonathan Papelbon

-Take that, The Departed

-Take that, Aerosmith

-Take that, Robert Frost

-Take that, Boston Massacre

-Take that, Matt Damon

-Take that, Bunker Hill

-Take that, MIT

-Take that, Charles River

-Take that, Logan International

-Take that, Area Code 617

-Take that, Hyde Park

-Take that, Fleet

-Take that, "wicked"

-Take that, Gone Baby Gone

-Take that, Boston!

Your Boston animosity in the comments...

Red River Shootout tickets will get you an interview: An update with that clever Sooner

2009-10-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Last week we told you about the clever OU grad who was willing to give up his Red River Shootout tickets for a career.

We followed up with the anonymous Sooner who sent us this reply in regards to how the job hunt was going.

Hey guys,

The blog is awesome! Thanks for your reply and I sincerely appreciate the shout out.

To my surprise, I have had an overwhelmingly positive response. I wasn't sure what to expect but all has been positive... Minus the couple comments on your blog(haha), always will be skeptics though.

Overall I have had about 35 emails... Several inquiries and interview offers, along with two local TV stations wanting to do a story and interview. Story/interview wasn't my goal though so I haven't responded to those inquiries. Also received a few reply's from people that operate blogs like yourself.

Thirty-five inquiries! You know how hard it is to get an interview these days?! We, again, are very impressed with the creativity and it sounds like it'll pay off.

Time for us to start selling the goods for career opportunities -- and we're not just talking about baseball tickets...

Pre-Gaming: Cupcake anyone?

2009-10-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

The script is so simple for the top teams in the preseason rankings: play an entire bakery full of cupcakes before conference play, squeak out some close wins, maybe lose a close game on the road, win some more games, win the conference championship, go to National Championship.

That's basically it for Florida and Texas this year. Charleston Southern, Troy, Florida International, Louisiana Monroe, UTEP, Central Florida all have something in common: they're from the South. (AND THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE!)

These games were scheduled years ago, well before Florida and Texas knew they'd be the unanimous 1-2 in every poll, which makes it that much worse. Preparing for a championship years out by feasting on the weak.

Then you have Oklahoma, who scheduled tough games against BYU and Miami, and it led to an already-disappointing season.

And it's this kind of shit that only reinforces the notion that teams like Florida and Texas should play high-school talent until they get to conference play. After the smooth sailing, the strength of their respective conferences can carry them to college-football bliss in early January.

It's hard to blame the schedule makers because, hey, it's working! Florida and Texas will be meeting Jan. 7 in Pasadena unless Tim Tebow becomes a leper and Colt McCoy gets Mono.

So, instead, let's blame Urban Meyer and Mack Brown. I don't like you and I have no good reason for it. I don't care. Jerks.

And now Florida will play another football team with actual players and coaches and uniforms. And they'll probably do what Florida does and beat them soundly. Florida is a VERY good team. But it would be fun to see the Gators play four or five of these marquee games rather than one or two.

How will the rest of Saturday's big games turn out?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 1 Florida at No. 4 LSU, 8 p.m., CBS: Some fun facts about Florida QB John Brantley:

Major: Humanities and Letters (what???)
Astrological sign: Pisces
Awards: 2006 Gatorade Player of the Year
Career starts: 0
Favorite food: Kung Pao chicken, Fruit by the Foot
Favorite Music: Tupac, OutKast, 'Lil Bow Wow
Favorite TV Shows: The Hills, Disaster Date, College Football Live
Favorite Quote: "Fuck it, let's play football" - John Brantley

Florida 30, LSU 12.

No. 3 Alabama at No. 20 Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Have you ever been to Alabama or Mississippi? I have not. Can't say that Jackson is a tourist trap. But it's like a whole different world down there, from what I hear. I bet the nightlife in Mobile is to fucking die for. Alabama 21, Mississippi 10.

Wisconsin at No. 9 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Wisconsin has got to be the most boring team to ever be 5-0. The Badgers are also the most boring team to ever wear the color red. They are the most boring team to score over 28 points in all of their games. They are the most boring team to ever play on a 100-yard field. They are the most boring team to put their pants on one leg at a time. They are the most boring team to give 110 percent. They are the most boring team to give it their all. They are the most boring team to go out there and execute. They are the most boring team [enter football cliché here].

I have a feeling that this game is going to be very entertaining. Ohio State 28, Wisconsin 19.

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa, 8 p.m., ABC: So Iowa plays real well against the better teams (Penn State) and plays down to the lesser teams (Arkansas State). So the real question: Why is Rich Rodriguez such a fucking asshole? Iowa 17, Michigan 14.

No. 22 Georgia Tech at Florida State, 8 p.m., ESPN2.

Georgia at Tennessee, 12:20 p.m., Gameplan. Dear ESPN, I don't like the Big 10 and nobody else does either. I would rather watch Georgia play Tennessee than Purdue play Minnesota. Thank you! Sincerely, Everybody. Georgia 24, Tennessee 16.

Stanford at Oregon State, 7 p.m., Versus? FSN?
Baylor at No. 19 Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Boston College at No. 5 Virginia Tech, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Mimosa

1 bottle champagne
1 bottle orange juice

Fill a champagne flute 3/4 full. Top with orange juice. Stir.

It's not only a brunch drink. Try it with grapefruit juice instead of orange to knock your socks off. Or spike it with some vodka and you have a Screwmosa. Let's not forget that champagne is the drink of royalty. And the carbonation helps you get drunk faster. Learned that in an Alcohol Awareness seminar.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oiAo"ƒj@4n˚l∑jg´h ˚hgk≈zlkop*6jh∫lj (Give 110 percent).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Auburn (-2.5) over Arkansas. The Razorbacks gave up 51 points to Georgia. The same Georgia team that scored a 23 combined points in its two losses.

Look for undefeated Auburn to keep that offense rolling.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-3

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford

Enough of you and your boyish good looks. Play somebody with a defensive line and we'll talk.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

We welcome Irish QB Jimmy Clausen to the Heisman discussion with fists raised and cocked...nobody likes you, Jimmy. Just wanted you to know that.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State
3. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Oklahoma's Boomer Sooner

Great name, good trumpeting, yet a little Revolutionary-War-esque.

Babe of the Week:

Laura Michelle Prestin

Well, hello there.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Hats off, TBS: you're just as bad as FOX

2009-10-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

We were looking forward to the the first round of the playoffs NOT being on FOX; anything is better than Joe Buck.

While TBS is a nice change of pace, it isn't exactly taking advantage of the situation.

Tuesday, Chip Carey mistook a double play for a base hit (and we swear did something similar Wednesday! Anyone get audio?) and also didn't pay much attention to Brandon Inge's shirt being hit with the bases loaded in the 12th.

Then there's Craig Sager and his ridiculous suits. One writer puts it best: "A reporter’s job is to tell the story, not try to become part of it." We'd just say he looks like crayon.

And anybody feel us when we say that it sounds like Ron Darling constantly has glue in his mouth?

IT'S A LIVE BALL!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2009-10-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

Football homework next week: learn the rule book.

John Glenn beats Plymouth for the first time ever! EVER!! This is a groundbreaking, win. And a soul-searching loss. WHAT A GAME!!!

And, yeah, give the kid an A. Give all the kids As. High school is hard enough as it is. It's not about grades, it's about learning. And football. High school is about football.

Who needs Monster.com when you have Red River Shootout tickets?

2009-10-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

We've all been there: recent college grads, ready to take on the world, only to realize that college taught you how to drink, cram and use the fuck out of your hi-liter. And not much in the way of how to find a job.

So when this creative Oklahoma grad got his hand on some Red River Shootout tickets, he knew he had some leverage.

TRADE: My OU/Texas Tickets for a job…... Tickets are on the Oklahoma side. Great seats valued at approximately $600!!! Game is at the Cotton Bowl October 17, 2009 at 11:00am.

What I want is new job/career… So my offer to you is…. If I land a position with my desired pay/benefits by October 16, as a direct result of your assistance or referral, my tickets to the Red River Shootout will be yours for $1 as a thank you. I am hoping someone will appreciate my creativity and give me a shot. I am confident I will not disappoint. If you would like to know more about who I am before considering my offer, see my brief bio/resume below.

Actual resume is available if you present a valid offer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This guy will be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by the time he's 30. Bold move buddy. Best of luck...

Meanwhile, we, ugh, have season tickets to the San Francisco Giants. Club Level, behind home plate...

[Via Hot Clicks]

Vegas? Reno? Playoffs?

2009-10-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

We have a friend who's going to Vegas soon and that brings up all sorts of fun stuff like slot machines, bottle service and the mafia.

Vegas isn't so much for us. We get scared off from $10 tables and the whole idea of paying $1,000 for a bottle of vodka that ordinarily costs 25 bucks seems illegal in most countries.

But we do like sports. And while sports betting isn't so much our thing, we have many friends who do well in this field, especially football betting, and make enough money to spend 25 bucks on a bottle of alcohol, but not $1,000.

We've hit Reno a few times -- blackjack mainly -- and mainly stay away from the sports book. But we once threw a dollar on the Huskies to win the National Championship. And with about 1,000-1 odds could have made us enough money to, well, pay $1,000 for a bottle of vodka.

You readers must have some good sports gambling stories? Ever get a death threat from a bookie? Win a fortune betting against Washington State? Have the game all but won until a late, meaningless TD cost you hundreds? Your tales in the comments, please.

Morning Headlines: Twins 6, Tigers 5 F/12

2009-10-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: HM of Hoops and Other Pop Culture with this from the Vikings' win over the Packers: Packers kickoff coverage great, but not enough, in loss to Vikes.

[Minnesota-Detroit box score].

-Nathan carries bullpen, Twins

-Guillen's 0-3 'costly' for Detroit

-Keppel (1-1) evens record with win

Yikes. If there was one city that couldn't afford a collapse...Go easy on Detroit in the comments.

Oh, here comes Michael Crabtree to make us want him again

2009-10-06T03:05:00.000-07:00

Michael Crabtree and agent Eugene Parker could meet with 49ers brass as soon as today to discuss contract talks.

A Monday afternoon posting on ESPN.com indicated Crabtree and agent Eugene Parker are on their way to San Francisco to "renew contract talks" with the 49ers.

See? The blockquote means it's not just sloppy reporting by an Internet site.

Most likely Crabtree and Parker will be on one side of the table, the 49ers executives will be on the other and they'll look deep into each other's eyes without saying as much as hello.

Crabtree: I want number six money.
49ers: We'll give you five years, $20 million with 16 mil guaranteed.
Crabtree: (whispers to agent) No.
49ers: Ok.
[5 minutes pass without talking]
Crabtree: How 'bout number seven money?
49ers: Thanks for coming by, Mike.

Of course there is a slight chance that the Niners will cave because Isaac Bruce and Arnaz Battle aren't exactly cutting it. If Crabtree does get his No. 6 money and completely foils the NFL's whole "slotting" system, the league will probably implode and Wal-Mart will somehow be to blame.

Really?!

2009-10-06T01:15:00.000-07:00

No, no, no.

I used to like your candy bar, but I don't anymore because that ad campaign is all sorts of wrong. I'm a Milky Way guy from here on out.

Morning Headlines: Minnesota beats Green Bay

2009-10-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: JMC with this on today's AL Central playoff: Twins win final game, will play again Tuesday.

[Vikings-Packers box score].

-Peterson finds end zone despite sub-par night

-McCarthy: 'We were one dimensional'

-Sacks frustrate Rodgers, Packers

Are there usually this many teams that just absolutely suck?

2009-10-05T01:35:00.000-07:00

Every year you have a team sorta like the 2008 Detroit Lions: just incapable of doing anything right.

It's much like that comedy-of-errors high-school football team. The team that has no shot of winning a game months before the season even starts; the same team that celebrates not getting shutout; the team that looks more forward to orange slices after the game than tackling the other team.

But this NFL landscape -- parity?! What parity?! -- sees many of those same teams where anything they do well is purely by chance.

You can look at the winless teams through four weeks, yet that doesn't even come close to telling the story.

Kansas City, St. Louis, Tennessee, Tampa, Carolina and Cleveland haven't won. All but the Titans are just awful, awful teams right now.

Add in one-win Oakland and Detroit and you have eight teams that are going to be battling VERY hard for the top pick and the rights to (likely) Sam Bradford.

We honestly can't remember when there were soooo many atrocious teams. Like very, very bad. Seriously, scheduling aside, we could have multiple winless and one-win teams this season. The Browns and Raiders could battle to a 0-0 tie on Dec. 27. Tampa and Carolina on Oct. 18 could be epic as in "epic fail."

Feel bad for the top players in the 2010 draft. They are going to be playing for losers among losers for the foreseeable future.

We expect our friends at The Hater Nation to have a field day with this soon.

And now baseball matters for only eight, well, nine teams

2009-10-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

There it is: the end of the 2009 regular MLB season.

One no-hitter, one perfect game and a season dominated by big-spending teams and the lack of competitive races.

Until now.

Gotta feel for Detroit -- if there's any city that could use a distraction... -- as they led Minnesota by 5.5 games on Sept. 14. Should be a fun atmosphere Tuesday in the Metrodome and it seems they just can't get rid of that building!

Funny, too, on the last day of the season five games were decided in extra innings. Washington, which couldn't finish the season soon enough, capped things off with a 15-inning win over Atlanta.

As far as the playoffs go, watch out for the National League. The Dodgers, which have home-field throughout, have gotta be all sorts of worried as their rotation is anything but stable and the Cardinals will try to throw Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter four times in a five-game series.

The Yankees don't seem all that dominant in the AL and who knows which Sabathia will show up in the postseason? And how many times have the Angels and Red Sox met in the playoffs recently? This is becoming a tradition.

Since the Giants are done -- a 16-game turnaround from a dreadful 2008 season ain't bad -- we'll probably check out and resort to TV sitcoms and Netflix. And once Joe Buck and Tim McCarver take over the airwaves, we'll be more interested in mid-week college football games than meaningful playoff games.

But there's baseball for 2009 for all but eight teams. Some nice sense of closure Sunday. Here's to some fun playoffs and the Dodgers and Red Sox losing in the first round!

Morning Headlines: Tigers, Twins win; force playoff

2009-10-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Tigers win; Twins too].

-Minnesota yields 12 hits, yet wins big

-Verlander gets 19th as Tigers hold on

-Twins 'excited' about rare off day

Your one-game playoff headlines in the comments, please.

Pre-Gaming: Tailgate traditions

2009-10-02T03:55:00.000-07:00

Tailgating is the crux of college football. Xs and Os? Only for the diehards. Marching bands? Only for the band geeks. Pep rallies? Only for Joe Paterno.

Tailgating is for everyone. Find one college student who doesn't like to eat and drink outside of Utah. It'll be like finding diversity in a J. Crew catalog.

I haven't been to nearly enough tailgates. Or enough that I can remember. UW's were fine -- they mainly consisted of drinking at a house, walking the 15 minutes down to the stadium, hi-fiving some alumni and maybe getting some smoked salmon. Let me tell you, smoked salmon would beat just about any other smoked food in a fistfight. Smoked andouille sausage is pretty fucking good. Smoked meat is good. But smoked salmon is like giving your taste buds a New Year's Eve party.

Cal has a cool tailgate tradition. No smoked salmon -- at Cal there are often other things being smoked. Hey-o! (That was the gratuitous Berkeley hippie joke.) All the frats, which are conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET FROM THE STADIUM! -- seriously, the architect who did the layout loved football and fraternizing -- open their doors to anyone and give away FREE BEER AND FOOD!

A 10-year-old wearing a Stanford shirt could get a beer and a burger. And the point isn't that the alcohol is free flowing and there is no regard for age and safety, but rather that they just open their doors to anyone. That's pretty fucking cool. Wanna hang out on a Saturday afternoon? Grab a group of friends and go over to Sigma Nu. Under 21 and need to find a party? Go Pike's the place for you. Have a Superbad scenario where you need to score some booze in order to, well, score? Go to the Beta house and steal their beer. (That might get you into some trouble. Stealing is bad. So is underage drinking. Tsk, tsk.)

When I was like 14 I went to Baton Rouge and had an SEC-style tailgate at LSU. It was a 7 p.m. game and we wanted to really feel the atmosphere, so we met up for a tailgate around 10 a.m. to really capture the scene. WE WERE FOUR HOURS FUCKING LATE! There are no clocks in SEC country. You can start drinking at 6 a.m. on College-Football-Saturday and you get funny looks if you AREN'T! And the gumbo. Sweet Mother Teresa the gumbo is unfuckingbelievable. I thought smoked salmon was the fucking balls. Homemade gumbo at a tailgate is like eating little spoonfuls of happiness.

I haven't seen too many other pre-game traditions and tailgates. What does your school do? If I were to go on a road trip, what tailgates do I need to go to? Sell me on your tailgate in the comments.

Where will you be tailgating Saturday? The couch is not a horrible option...

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 8 Oklahoma at No. 17 Miami, 8 p.m., ABC: There are a lot of questions surrounding this game. How's Bob Stoops' golf game? Does Randy Shannon ever make a joke? How many Mosses have played for The U? Those are really the only questions that matter.

Edit: The above was written Wednesday but I thought it was funny, so I left it. Sam Bradford isn't going to start. Landry Jones is. Landry looks like laundry but doesn't have a U. Oklahoma 35, Miami 21.

No. 4 LSU at No. 18 Georgia, 3:30 p.m., CBS: LSU being the fourth-ranked team is in some way similar to NCIS being the No. 4 show in the country. Neither LSU nor NCIS is very good, but right now there isn't much else that is very good, so by default, they are both in the top five of their various rankings. The No. 18 show is The Big Bang Theory, which, like Georgia, hits and misses. Something tells me that Georgia isn't going to miss this week. Georgia 31, LSU 27.

No. 7 USC at No. 24 Cal, 8 p.m., ABC: Two weeks ago this was the biggest Pac-10 game of the last 8,000 years. It still might be. Though that Stanford-Arizona game on Oct. 17 could be epic. USC 38, Cal 17.

Auburn at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Oregon State at Arizona State, 7 p.m., Versus? FSN?: The Rodgers bros do it all. Everybody else? Dead weight. Oregon State 24, Arizona State 13.

Washington at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC. I've had enough of that Leprechaun and his devious ways. Harry the Husky isn't people-friendly. Watch out, man. This dog can bite. Washington 328, Notre Dame -6.

UCLA at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

No. 15 Penn State at Illinois, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Dirt Cheap Beer

Hey, it's always a lot of fun with Dirt Cheap Beer. That doesn't really seem like the most responsible slogan, but gosh, if I want to have fun, I now know where to go.

"THE BEER FOR AN ECONOMIC DOWNTURN" would have been more timely.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"r;ms;l[wø˚©dkaoKo√;a" (Protect the football).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

South Florida (-6.5) over Syracuse. I've lost this the last three weeks, which isn't good. [public service announcement] It also serves as a good reminder that gambling is very risky, illegal and a possible cause of cancer in Utah. [/public service announcement].

So now we actually have to analyze these spreads and it looks like the 4-0 Bulls, coming off a win over Florida State in Tallahassee, are only a small favorite over the Greg Paulus's. Take the Bulls in what looks like a no-brainer.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-3

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Stafon Johnson, RB, USC

What? He hasn't broken 70 yards rushing all season.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati

So long Jacory Harris. Was nice while it lasted. Hello Tony Pike, the best player on the best team that nobody is talking about. (I think that was once an SI headline).

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State
3. Charlie Weiss, Notre Dame
4. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee
5. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Stanford's All Right Now

Jeez, they played this enough last week against Washington.

Babe of the Week:

Vanessa Raia.

Work casual at its finest.

Full gallery here.

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Traitor, Iscariot, asshole...It's Packers-Vikings week

2009-10-01T02:25:00.000-07:00

Minnesota and the Miracle Vikings host the Packers this week. Not as exciting as Nov. 1 will be when Favre returns to Green Bay, but you know some Packers defenders are gonna go for Favre's knees this week.

Niners fans sure want that to be the case after he put the finishing touches on a horrible weekend in Bay Area sports. You lucky sonuvabitch.

For the Cheeseheads that make the trek to Vikingville, they'll be decked out in some of the shirts above and the others that The Angry T found.

Will Favre eventually retire a Packer? He's got to. But after this charade, he might not be welcomed back.

The Richmond Giants

2009-10-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

No, not Richmond, Calif. but Richmond, Va., which starting in 2010 will be the home of the San Francisco Giants' Double-A team. This is of specific interest to me as my mother grew up in Richmond, Va. at a time when the Richmond Virginians or Virginia Vee’s were the Triple-A team of the New York Yankees. The Vee’s left in 1964, however, so the team I saw was the Richmond Braves. Visiting my Grandfather in Richmond, I have a few occasions to see the Braves at “The Diamond.” Sadly the Braves were relocated to Gwinnett, Ga. this season.

The city of Richmond has since been looking for another team to replace the Braves. Part of the problem is that “The Diamond” was not exactly the most modern facility. I’m not sure how necessary this is but considering the fact that the only other minor league ballpark I’ve been to is Raley Field (home of the Sacramento Rivercats), I can’t say for certain. It (“The Diamond) had a very college baseball feel to some extent though Richmond is not a giant sports hub. It is a wonderful city that doubles a quality college town (Virginia Commonwealth University, University of Richmond, and Virginia Union among others) and was the birthplace of Arthur Ashe, Moses Malone, and Bruce Smith.

The former home of the Giants Double-A team was Norwich, Conn. I have never been to Connecticut but like most people I know it for ESPN, the Whalers, and UConn. I also know that it was never the seat of the Confederacy during the Civil War. Yes, Richmond was the capitol of the Confederate States and has a rather large statue in honor of General Richard E. Lee. It’s not gaudy but it’s there in “the Fan” section of Richmond along with a statue of Arthur Ashe.

Richmond has come quite a long way in the 144 years since the Civil War ended and is a very nice place to visit. It is about an hour south of Charlottesville where the Cavaliers are having an up and down football season. William and Mary?! Oh my. The scuttlebutt is that “the Diamond” will be refurbished for the Giants but considering the money they have tied up in Dave Roberts, Randy Winn, and Edgar Renteria, it may take a lot of votes and public funds. And we all know how quickly Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T was voted on.

In the meantime, the artist formerly known as the Connecticut Defenders will be rechristened the “Richmond Defenders” or something equally snappy. Maybe the Richmond Rusty the Robots or the Richmond Crazy Crabs.

Hey, ya know, Joe Posnanski has a point

2009-09-30T03:05:00.000-07:00

SI's Joe Posnanski and of the cleverly named blog, Joe Posnanski, one of the more tortured sports fans in the public spectrum, writes in his latest column that while it sounds hyperbolic, Eric Mangini might be the worst coaching hire ever. And he sure as hell has an argument.

I'm actually starting to believe that Mangini really was the worst head coach hire in 25 years. Remember:

1. Mangini had just been fired in New York, where he had done a terrible job. He had a losing record. His team had collapsed down the stretch, he had alienated his players, he was a pain in the neck to deal with. Point is: He'd already PROVEN how much damage he could do as a coach.

2. He came right out of the school of Bill Belichick ... and that didn't work THE FIRST TIME in Cleveland. It seems to me that Cleveland is a working-class town and Browns fans want a working-class coach -- not some pompous know-it-all who doesn't feel like he should have to explain to the commoners what he's doing.

3. What had he ever done to convince anyone he could be a head coach in the first place? Why, because he was a defensive coordinator for the Patriots under Belichick for one season? The Browns had JUST HIRED Romeo Crennel, who was ALSO defensive coordinator under Belichick. Attention Cleveland Browns owners, here's a good hint: BILL BELICHICK IS HIS OWN DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.

4. Basically the first thing Mangini did -- first thing -- was have them tear down a mural of great Cleveland Browns players on the wall in the Browns offices. Now, there are differing opinions about what really happened, whose fault it really was, does it all matter, etc. You know what? The Cleveland Browns have never been to a Super Bowl. Never. Not one. But Browns fans still have a whole lot of pride. Browns fans grow up on a glorious history. If you allow something stupid like that to happen on your watch ... just a horrendous hire.

Other bad hires that were compared to Mangini include: Art Shell, Bobby Petrino, Jim Zorn, Steve Spurrier, Raheem Morris, Tom Cable, Rich Kotite (RICH KOTITE!), Scott Linehan and Marty Mornhinweg. Posnanski rebuts all of those pretty factually.

We'd love to throw Norv Turner (hired by anyone) into that hat. He's turned the most talented team in the league into a perennial playoff bust. The Niners hiring Dennis Erickson was also pretty bad.

Worse NFL hire ever? Your arguments in the comments, please.

Well this was inevitable...

2009-09-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

Can't believe it took us this long to find a fan wearing a Wayne Chrebet jersey. Jeez...the guy was practically a legend...

...'And he hasn't had a hit in ever'

2009-09-30T01:25:00.000-07:00

This video is so old, so fantastic and so sports related.

Pay close attention to the play-by-play guy. He steals the show!

Act now and you too can avoid listening to Joe Buck

2009-09-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

Last October I wrote about all the possible ways you could watch the World Series without having to listen to the awful Fox announcers. This may sound easy, but of course the problem is that the sound from the radio is often 3-4 seconds ahead of the TV signal, so it makes it pretty annoying to simply mute the TV and listen to the radio. So I looked at the various ways you could delay the radio signal to match it up with the TV. One of the most affordable options was the SportSync radio.

Well, I am proud to announce that I am now the lucky owner of a SportSync radio. I put it on my Amazon wish list, and good ol' Mom got it for me for my birthday. I have tested its delaying capabilities and I am happy to say that it totally works. I can now watch a Giants game and listen to Jon Miller calling it on the radio, and they are perfectly in sync! Needless to say I am more than excited to use this genius invention during the playoffs and World Series.

Sadly I have no idea how long this thing takes to ship once you order it, but I strongly urge all of you Joe Buck haters to order one RIGHT NOW. You will not be disappointed.

Excuse us while we go swallow a grenade

2009-09-28T01:15:00.000-07:00

How's this for a fun sports weekend:

Stanford 34, Washington 14
Oregon 42, Cal 3
Cubs 3, Giants 0; Cubs 6, Giants 2 -- all but formally eliminated the Giants from the playoff race.
Minnesota 27, San Francisco 24 -- If that didn't put the icing on the fucking cake for an atrocious sports weekend, we've never had icing. Or cake.

Wow, looks like we're going to take up knitting, cooking or anything else that doesn't involve a motherfucking ball.

Can't remember much worse of a sports weekend. It's times like these where there is nothing fun about sports; it serves only as a recreational activity to tear out your heart with an ice cream scoop.

So forgive us if we aren't all smiles this week. We'll probably lock ourselves in a closet and dedicate our life to perfecting the French Knot.

Morning Headlines: Lions 19, Redskins 14

2009-09-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Lions-Redskins box score].

-Campbell throws for over 300 yards, but 'Skins fall to 1-2

-Stingy D leads Detroit to first win of 2009

-Lions close gap in tight NFC North

Hey, Lions! Neato.

Pre-Gaming: Your top announcers

2009-09-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

Announcers can fuck up a telecast. Just ask anyone about Joe Buck. If he was a college football guy, I'd probably have clawed at my ears with a stapler remover already. It's a good thing he just ruins the MLB playoffs and stays far the fuck away from college football.

On the flip side, there are broadcast teams that are the fucking Mozart of the college game. They bring knowledge, insight and excitement to any game. Who are these wonderful, wonderful human beings? Glad you asked.

1. Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy "The Wolf" Wolfson, CBS.

Doesn't hurt that this team gets a solid SEC game each week, but by golly, they could make Vanderbilt at Mississippi State sound like the most important game in college football since the Taft administration.

Lundquist calls it beautifully, Danielson gives accurate, no-nonense insight and The Wolf looks good while giving you insightful updates like Tim Tebow is an effective football player.

2. Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, ESPN.

I would pay for Ron Franklin to read me Goodnight Moon. He's soothing, sophisticated and a wonderful story teller. Goodnight Moon fucking rules.

3. Mike Patrick, Craig James, Heather Cox.

I'm a big Mike Patrick fan. He gets really excited when there's a two-yard run on 1st and 10, but so be it. Call him the opposite of Buck, I'd take Patrick any day.

4. Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge, Erin Andrews.

Nessler and Blackledge are fine in the booth and Andrews gives sideline reports that give adolescent boys boners in 100 words or less.

5. Chris Fowler, Craig James, Jesse Palmer, Erin Andrews.

Fowler's pretty good. Wasn't Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor? That show is fucking rigged.

What broadcasts will you be watching Saturday?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 Miami at No. 11 Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., ABC: It's probably a good thing that a four-bunny ACC game no longer involves Wake Forest and Clemson. When the conference stole from the Big East, these are the kind of match ups they had in mind.

While on the topic of Wake Forest, did you know Riley Skinner's still in school? He's been there since Tim Duncan was a fucking sophomore! Graduate already! This isn't Van Wilder! Miami 27, Virginia Tech 19.

Texas Tech at No. 17 Houston, 9:15 p.m., ESPN 2: D-fense. D-fense. D-fense.. Texas Tech 427, Houston 426.

Arkansas at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Holy shit the sundresses are gonna be good. Nothing like hot, southern girls in skimpy sundresses on a college football Saturday. The South is an amazing place. Alabama 42, Arkansas 28.

Iowa at No. 5 Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC: Can't the Big 10 just simulate the rest of the season so they can fast forward to getting their ass kicked by USC in the Rose Bowl? An early season game between Iowa and Penn State will engage about six people who know what an ocean looks like. Penn State 20, Iowa 13.

Fresno State at No. 14 Cincinnati, 12 p.m., Gameplan.

Arizona State at No. 21 Georgia, 7 p.m., ESPNU: The percentage of unattractive girls between the ages of 18-30 at this game is going to be -2%. Georgia 34, Arizona State 24.

Notre Dame at Purdue, 8 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tucker Death Mix

750 ml Everclear
32 oz Gatorade (lemon lime)
2 cans Red Bull

Pour all ingredients into a jug, and serve into highball glasses. Or drink out of a Camelbak.

A Tucker-Max original, this will convince you that even Duke can win. (And it'll probably make you throw up on a police officer.)

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Georgia

Give a dawg a bone...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Florida Gators

They grow 'em big in Florida. The lineman. Yes, the offensive linemen in Florida are big.

(Photos via Poon of the SEC).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"i¬9ƒul∑r7~" (Don't go out there and think, just play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

USC (-45) over Washington State. Fuck this, I'm picking against Washington State every week.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-2

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona

OUT FOR THE SEASON?!?! Did I call your mother a whore? Why do this to me? You and LaDainian Tomlinson can go eat a pile of shit together.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

If Harris lights up a good Va Tech defense, let's just give him the award right now.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. It's only a matter of time, right? Right?!
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State. Maybe you aren't doing well because your last name's spelled all sorts of wrong.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Ohio State's Fight the Team

A little too peppy, but classic nonetheless. Cool name.

Babe of the Week:

Jessica Barton

Yowzers! Sand is the best form of bikini.

Full gallery here. Thank me later.

College football, booze and girls. What could be better?! Week 4: get reckless!

When you break it down, you want to hurt Brian Sabean that much more

2009-09-24T03:05:00.000-07:00

Two "big" mid-season trades for the Giants: Ryan Garko for pitcher Scott Barnes and Freddy Sanchez for pitcher Tim Alderson.

At the time of the trades the Giants were eight over .500. Entering Wednesday, they were 11 over. That has nothing to do with either of these acquisitions.

Garko: Hitting .233 with 2 HRs and 12 RBI as a Giant. Barnes hasn't made it to the Bigs, but is still responsible, somehow, for three Indian wins.

Sanchez: Since joining the Giants is hitting .283 with 1 HR, 1 double, 2 walks and 7 RBI. He's played in 25 of 52 games and will require offseason surgery. Alderson, one of the Giants' top prospects and a former first-round pick, hasn't made it up either, but will push Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter for the NL Cy Young Award this year.

Sanchez will likely be the Giants' starting second baseman in 2010, but will be coming off surgery. Garko might be selling used cars.

Hated the trades at the time. Still hate them. Singles hitters who can't take a walk are characteristics of everyone else in the FUCKING LINEUP! Go get a fucking power hitter or hoard your pitchers and you'll have the best rotation in baseball!

We'll talk when the Giants go get Matt Holliday and Adrian Gonzalez. And Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, David Wright and anybody else capable of hitting a home run or moving a runner over with less than two outs.

Holding the ball ransom for...1 MILLION dollars

2009-09-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Some of the best fans we know are A's fans. They're knowledgeable, educated and root for the team the right way.

The rest of the Oakland fanbase? Not so bright. Generalization? Absolutely. But our experience with them hasn't been great.

This one fan certainly isn't giving the A's fanbase a good name.

Outfielder Matt Carson does not have the ball from his first big-league home run - the fan who caught it Monday refused to give it up unless he was paid for it.

The A's usually trade a signed bat for a milestone baseball, sometimes throwing in a few hats or a shirt, but they will not pay for returned balls.

"I only want money," the fan told clubhouse personnel before leaving.

"He wanted a lot, too," said Carson, who like others heard that the demand was $10,000, although that could not be confirmed.

Hey, tough economy. Anything to get a buck. A Matt Carson-signed bat would've been fucking sweet, though.

[San Francisco Chronicle via Ben Maller]

About the time I think I might have maybe been picked up at a gay bar

2009-09-23T03:05:00.000-07:00

I prefer to avoid LA at all costs. It's smoggy, elitist and I feel like I need about six more 0s at the end of my income to feel important in that town; that's a feeling no one should ever have.

At the same time, you can walk out the front door and instantly be surrounded by five incredibly hot chicks. Even the dogs in LA are fucking attractive.

One night I met up with some college buddies to go out in Hollywood. I've been reading all about Tucker Max's exploits and now feel I can conquer the fucking world. I wanted to go test my new knowledge by playing the best fucking wingman ever.

We went out to a bar in a strip mall that seemed kinda cool. One of the guys we were with knew the bartender and we were doing shots and being rowdy and looking for chicks to pick up.

And then I had one of those moments right out of Chasing Amy.

(4:50-5:25 mark)

It was ALL DUDES!!! It wasn't that it was a weekday night. It wasn't that it was a sports bar. I was at a gay bar.

Cool. No prob. Had a good laugh at the slow realization of it all.

And then when a tall, handsome man approaches me and ask me if he knows me from somewhere, I think I might be having my first I'm-getting-picked-up-at-a-gay-bar moment.

Granted, I was very friendly when I told him I never lived in Florida, don't know anyone who lives in Florida and have not been to Florida in about 20 years.

We then left and found a bar that had girls and karaoke and $16 pitchers of beer (FUCK LA!) and I fucking nailed my wingman status with two cute girls new to the area (they're from Chicago and sounded like Chris Farley from the Ditka SNL skit). They were both cute and totally DTF!

OK. LA's kinda cool. Then I went into a store where they sell $125 t-shirts and the woman working there was among the hottest chicks I've ever seen. This town is fantastic.

The Hamilton Coyotes?

2009-09-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

All right, so I’m not a complete expert on the inner workings of the NHL or the U.S. dollar to Canadian dollar exchange rate. What I do know is that the NHL made a giant mistake in allowing the Winnipeg Jets to be “relocated” to Glendale/Phoenix back in 1996. There are various reasons for this including: poor location, little-to-no fan base, and a money-losing franchise.

All told, each of these issues is interwoven. The snowy landscape of Winnipeg, Manitoba and the Winnipeg Arena fostered the careers of Teemu Selanne, Nikolai Khabibulin, Kris Draper, and Keith Tkachuk. They also had a nice, simple logo featuring the team’s name in white and a jet airliner. Plus, they represented Central Canada, an area generally not noticed by most Americans.

In truth, more people are familiar with the city of Phoenix, Ariz. What they are not as familiar with is Glendale, Ariz. I can’t imagine Gary Bettman and the powers that be in the NHL sitting around and thinking “Hockey in Phoenix? Sounds good.” Phoenix is the home of Spring Training baseball, the Suns, and the Cardinals. It is not the home of hockey.

Unsurprisingly, the Coyotes do not draw well and their losing money faster than a drunken CEO on a craps run in Vegas. Does that mean there aren’t a few Arizonans who have adopted the Coyotes as their own? No, but I would be very surprised. Frankly, I can only imagine that transplants from cold weather U.S. states or ex-pat Canadians are Coyotes fans.

This leads to the current situation where Research in Motion Ltd. head Jim Basille is trying to relocate the team to Hamilton, Ontario. Basille has been meeting roadblocks from the NHL, Glendale city officials, and other owners. Pushback by the city of Glendale combined with the Maple Leafs lack of desire for more competition in-province seems reasonable. The unreasonable comes from the NHL who seems to think it can have a hockey organization flourish in Arizona.

The alternative as presented by Basille is to move the Coyotes to Hamilton, Ontario. The Leafs are against this because they feel it provides extra competition since Hamilton is much closer to Toronto than Ottawa. It is my personal opinion that this would be a good idea if not for another idea: give the Coyotes back to Winnipeg.

The city of Winnipeg and the province of Manitoba is not exactly a vacation destination. The only celebrity I know of from Winnipeg is former “Let’s Make a Deal” host Monty Hall. The only professional team in Winnipeg right now is the CFL’s Blue Bombers who recently had the good sense to not sign Adam “Pacman” Jones.

Basille’s motto for the Coyotes to Hamilton is “Make it Seven” referring to having seven teams in Canada. I agree, I just think that the seventh team should be in Winnipeg and he should push for an eighth in Quebec City. What say you, Jim Basille?

We've been there too, buddy

2009-09-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Head in hands, on the brink of tears, wanting to punch a hole through a brick wall...just a day in the life of a tormented sports fan.

After Clemson's near comeback against Georgia Tech on Sept. 10, this Tigers fan didn't take the loss well.

Don't worry, friend. They put Virginia on the schedule for a reason.

Morning Headlines: Villalona suspect in shooting death

2009-09-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

-Urbina: 'I think this kid has a bright future'

-Gaints prospect smokes baseballs, people

ALSO: Things that, until yesterday, might have been heard on KNBR (between announcers Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, the radio home of the San Francisco Giants, in the future:

Kuiper: "Groundball to third, Villalona spears it and guns him down at first!"

Krukow: "He has everything you look for in a player, Kuip. He's got an absolute gun, he's really aggressive, and he just murders the ball."

Krukow: "Boy, Villalona's going through a tough stretch here these last few weeks. He's been absolutely brutal."

Your not-so-sensitive criminal headlines in the comments, please.

Jumping on the U-Dub bandwagon isn't that easy

2009-09-21T01:55:00.000-07:00

For how great the Huskies' win was Saturday -- and don't get me wrong, it was fucking great --there was a part of me that was hesitant to be fully excited and jump on the Huskies-to-the-Rose-Bowl bandwagon.

I have a few theories why I pulled back from fully embracing a huge upset, a huge win, and didn't celebrate by eating a bottle of tequila.

1. I wasn't there.

Haven't lived in Seattle for over a year, have been out of school for over three and wasn't in the raucous Husky Stadium to feel the excitement.

When you watch a game on TV it takes something away. You're not invested the same way you are when you spend time amongst the fans and scenery of an actual ballgame.

So watching, nearly 1,000 miles away, I couldn't hop on board as easily as I would've liked.

2. USC wasn't at it's fullest.

The Trojans were missing their starting QB, their likely overall best player in safety Taylor Mays and Pete Carroll may or may not have actually been there. LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke had some choice words.

3. I'm scared to jump on board.

Call me a bad fan, but I think that by getting sucked in to another on-the-fence-good team (read: 2009 San Francisco Giants) I'm setting myself up for the fall.

With losing comes apathy. Of course with winning comes elation, but unless we're in Florida or Pennsylvania, no one's doing much winning.

When you've lost 15 in a row, No. 16 doesn't sting. But when you win five in a row, are on the cusp of a good bowl game, that first loss after the wins feels like salt in every fucking wound.

When the Giants lose 100 games, I'm checked out by No. 85. Fairweather? Perhaps. But, ask any woman in my life, I'm far easier to deal with when they lose on a daily basis opposed to when they rip out my fucking heart.

I'm excited about these Huskies. Hell, I went to school there for that football program. But I'm not ready to "give up sports for good this time," after a gut-wrencher to Stanford.

The Dawgs get to 9-1? Let's talk.

[Photo: The Seattle Times]

DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-19T17:13:00.001-07:00

Pre-gaming: Moving, 'Revenge,' and Aggie Punch

2009-09-18T03:55:00.000-07:00

Moving fucking grinds my gears. Boxes, packing tape and storage really suck.

I had to move this week. It fucking grinded my gears. I already said that. Fuck you. I moved this week. And you didn't.

Carrying a 40-inch TV by yourself? Not fun. Having to move a sofa bed down three flights of stairs? I'd rather be covered in paper cuts and then go swim in the ocean. Trying to fit a queen-sized bed in a car? I will toss salad before doing that again.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING CLEAN!

Just when you think you're done -- the boxes are all out. Hooray! -- you're scrubbing the walls, dusting the shit out of the window blinds and cleaning the motherfucking fridge. You know how gross my fridge was? My girlfriend spilled Gatorade in there and then kept the contents of an entire farm in there for like three months. LETTUCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BLACK!

Then, after you've become a professional cleaner, you expect to get your hefty deposit back. Oh? You still have to hire a cleaning service? FUCK YOU WITH HEDGE CLIPPERS.

So the moral of the story? Watch college football this weekend. (And don't ever leave your home.)

Who will be moving and shaking this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means: "It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Game on. All times Eastern.

None. Fuck this.

No. 19 Nebraska at No. 13 Virginia Tech, 3:30, ABC.

Hard-nosed, defensive-oriented, grind it out...all euphemisms for BORING FUCKING FOOTBALL. If the Beamer Ballers can score two TDs, they'll probably win. Virginia Tech 14, Nebraska 13.

No. 18 Utah at Oregon, 3:30, ESPN.

Don't sleep on Oregon. Bad showing in Boise, but this Oregon team is loaded with talent. Now that they're unranked, be weary of those mighty Ducks. Oregon 38, Utah 35.

Texas Tech at No. 2 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Taylor Potts could throw for 821 yards and the Red Raiders would still lose by two touchdowns.

"Texas has one word in mind: Revenge." (Guarantee that's Brent Musburger's open!) Texas 42, Texas Tech 28. (Potts throws for 821 yards in the loss).

No. 17 Cincinnati at Oregon State, 6:45 p.m., TV?

Big, big week for the Pac-10. The Quizz show is going to be televised in Big East country. Oregon State 24, Cincinnati 21.

Florida State at No. 7 BYU, 7 p.m., TV?

Tennessee at No. 1 Florida, 12:3o p.m., CBS.

Florida's going to run up the score in this one. Lane Kiffin's gonna start watching what he says in the offseason. Florida 54, Tennessee 26.

No. 23 Georgia at Arkansas, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Michigan State at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Aggie Punch

2 shots Gold tequila (Cuervo)
1 splash Lime juice
6 oz Apple-cranberry juice

Combine ingredients and stir. Best served over ice and in a clear glass.

In honor of Texas A&M, UC Davis and any other Aggies out there, this one's for you.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Florida State

Ah, the Tomahawk. A bit cliché at this point, but a nice subtlety on the helmet. Very good, FSU. Now about that 19-9 win over Jacksonville State...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Wisconsin Badgers

The girl on the right looks like Elisha Cuthbert in a "I'm 19, shaved and just blew a Sigma Chi in the bathroom kind of way."

(Photo via Big 10 Poon).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oqa˚π∑q119Pkn!#&" (Win the battle in the trenches).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Southern Miss (-15) over Virginia. UVA is this year's Washington State. Until the 'Hoos can beat William & Mary, I'm picking against them.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-1

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

USC Defense

The only thing that matters in this league is scoring. Points allowed, turnovers forced, sacks...they don't mean shit. You can shutout a team, force 26 turnovers and sack the QB 418 times and you still won't get any points. But give up 63 points, force no turnovers and don't even once hurry the quarterback, yet score two TDs, you have the Defense of the Motherfucking Year.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

20-25, 270 yards, 3 TD. Against the 14th-ranked team. Until Tebow and McCoy start playing real universities, this Harris thing might have legs.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. This isn't going well at all. Let the students wear the shirt and tie. The sea of orange isn't working.
2. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. This "internship" is nearing it's end.
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State. Five days of golf a week might start sounding good for the 79-year-old Bowden.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Notre Dame's Victory March

South Bend would prefer to be hearing this a little more often.

Babe of the Week:

Carin Ashley

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Full gallery here. I would love to be that robe.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Make Week 3 your bitch.

P.S. I totally scraped Zach

2009-09-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Wait, what the fuck? Joe Saunders is a lefty?

2009-09-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

We've had Joe Saunders and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers on our fantasy for the last two years. That's perhaps the first question:

1. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

The second question would be:

2. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

We'd like you to know that we're in eighth place (out of 10 teams) in our league, meaning we're fucking awesomer than two other team. Joe Saunders, and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers, is responsible for that.

All this time, though, we thought he was a slightly taller, less fat version of Kevin Appier who knew better than to play for Kansas City. Turns out we were wrong on all accounts.

It seems that he's about equally as tall and fat as Kevin Appier but HE'S LEFT FUCKING HANDED! How could this have possibly slipped through the cracks of our baseball wisdom.

Call us bad baseball brainiacs. Or National League fans.

Some one drew a dick on Leodic McKelvin's lawn

2009-09-17T01:15:00.000-07:00

Scary when professional athletes' homes are the subject of vandalism and draws into question privacy issues as well as the line between a fan and a fucking idiot.

After Buffalo's fucking terrible loss Monday to those assholes from Boston, in which McKelvin couldn't hold onto the football, some one thought he should be reminded of it by defacing his lawn.

An artist's rendering is below:

Instead the vandal drew a penis and not a spaceship.

In South America you get killed for something like this. So some graffiti ain't exactly life-threatening, but it does draw into question the privacy of the players and all that bullshit that you can read on a website that is more politically correct.

Drawing penises is funny, as evident in Superbad, so maybe the vandal was Jonah Hill or some one else fascinated with drawing dicks. Regardless, McKelvin's privacy was violated, he needs to protect his family and he needs to learn how to fucking accept a touchback.

A voice from above

2009-09-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

When the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum opened its turnstiles to East Bay baseball fans, there were two voices booming loudly. In the broadcast booth, it was Monty Moore detailing the exploits of the likes of Jim “Catfish” Hunter throwing a perfect game and “helping his own cause” by getting three RBI. A few rooms over, a bushy-haired man sat booming the names to the fans below. That man: Roy Steele.

Dubbed “The Voice of God” by Jon Miller, Steele has been the voice of the Oakland Athletics since 1968. He is the West Coast version of the Yankees Bob Sheppard. Like Sheppard, however, Steele is no longer able to work the Coliseum’s Public Address System.

As a young A’s fan in the late '80s, I can distinctly remember the names of Mark McGwire and Dave Henderson echoing through the Coliseum. It always highlighted the experience of sitting in the stands at the Coliseum. Not to mention the fact that A’s were consistently contending for the Commissioner’s Trophy (World Series Trophy) each year. I have never had the opportunity to meet Roy Steele but I would like very much do.

The reason for this is simple: I met Bill King in 2004 during Spring Training. This is the first and only time I’ve met an announcer in any sport. Because I was a bit out of the loop sports wise, my lauding of Bill King did not resonate the way it should. It also hurt his cause that I wasn’t hearing him broadcast Warriors or Raiders games when I was a kid.

Roy Steele, on the other hand, has been a constant voice I have heard throughout my childhood. I like Dick Callahan -- the current voice of the Coliseum and the Cal Bears -- well enough. He is a jovial sort and does a good job. The problem is that he is the unenviable position of following Roy Steele.

The same is true of Vince Cotroneo who was hired by the A’s after Bill King’s untimely passing in 2005. I can only think of one situation in which the man following a legend did so without a “bump in the road”: Harry Kalas.

In addition to having been the voice of the Phillies since 1971, Kalas became the full-time voice of NFL films after John Facenda passed in 1984. Facenda created many of the great voice over moments in the history of NFL films. For Bay Area purposes, one of his greatest was “The Autumn Wind is a Raider.” The combination of the musical score and Facenda’s voice is what Hawaiians call a “chicken skin” moment.

This only one moment in a sea of other, slower transitions from one voice to another. Like many things, I just miss “The Voice of God” as it hearkens back to a simpler time when Dave Henderson’s name boomed through the stands.

Worse Week-1 loss: Bengals or Bills?

2009-09-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

The first game of the season has the potential to be the best day of the year for bad teams: It is likely the only time they won't have a losing record.

So for the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills, two teams not expected to be competitive in 2009, Week 1 had the potential to be so uplifting that it could've altered the fate of their seasons. Both had commanding leads in the waning minutes. A 1-0 record within reach.

Then...disaster.

First this:

Then this:

BOTH. SEASONS. ARE. OVER.

That's probably a given. Those are unfathomable losses. But which is worse?

The Case for Cincinnati: The Bengals had a one-point lead with .28 seconds left after scoring a go-ahead touchdown and had Denver backed up inside the 15. And then they gave up one of the flukiest plays we've seen in a long while, which essentially ended the game. Cincinnati didn't even get a real shot to counter Denver's score.

The Case for Buffalo: They had the preseason Super Bowl favorite all-but beat. Up 24-13 with 5:32 to go, all the Bills had to do was not fuck things up. Then they fucked things up. After giving up a late score, Leodis McKelvin fielded the ensuing kickoff, didn't kneel it despite receiving the kick on his back foot in the end zone, then fought for extra yards which resulted in a fumble. The Pats recovered and did what the Pats do when they recover fumbles with about a minute left: They scored the fucking touchdown and won the game.

We don't have a good answer on this. Cincinnati's loss is clearly worse, but Denver is supposed to be worse than they are, so really, they should've had the game wrapped up earlier. Buffalo had a win on the road against the best team in football and gave the game away.

Help us decide, football fans. Your pick in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Patriots 25, Bills 24

2009-09-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Patriots-Bills box score].

-Big second quarter lifts Pats past Bills

-Dazzling debuts: Owens in Buffalo, Taylor in New England

-Jauron looking forward to home opener against Tampa Bay

Leodis McKelvin!!!! HOLD ON TO THE FUCKING BALL!

Talk some MNF in the comments.

Reason 2,193 why Gus Johnson is fucking awesome

2009-09-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Really not a good way to start the season for Cincy. That kinda sucks. And the Bengals were going to be very bad anyway, so this isn't good. The Bengals could be the '08 Lions. This is not good at all. Why doesn't this happen to New England? We suppose the answer to that would be that the Pats would be leading by more than a point at home against the lowly Broncos. But, eesh, what a horrible way to lose. LOVE Johnson's call, though.

Ohio State-USC GameDay photos

2009-09-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Our friends friends Busted Coverage were in Columbus for USC's win over Ohio State Saturday. The Buckeyes' play was underwhelming, as expected, but we'll tip our cap to the OSU students for creativity.