Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hey, ya know, Joe Posnanski has a point


SI's Joe Posnanski and of the cleverly named blog, Joe Posnanski, one of the more tortured sports fans in the public spectrum, writes in his latest column that while it sounds hyperbolic, Eric Mangini might be the worst coaching hire ever. And he sure as hell has an argument.
I'm actually starting to believe that Mangini really was the worst head coach hire in 25 years. Remember:

1. Mangini had just been fired in New York, where he had done a terrible job. He had a losing record. His team had collapsed down the stretch, he had alienated his players, he was a pain in the neck to deal with. Point is: He'd already PROVEN how much damage he could do as a coach.

2. He came right out of the school of Bill Belichick ... and that didn't work THE FIRST TIME in Cleveland. It seems to me that Cleveland is a working-class town and Browns fans want a working-class coach -- not some pompous know-it-all who doesn't feel like he should have to explain to the commoners what he's doing.

3. What had he ever done to convince anyone he could be a head coach in the first place? Why, because he was a defensive coordinator for the Patriots under Belichick for one season? The Browns had JUST HIRED Romeo Crennel, who was ALSO defensive coordinator under Belichick. Attention Cleveland Browns owners, here's a good hint: BILL BELICHICK IS HIS OWN DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.

4. Basically the first thing Mangini did -- first thing -- was have them tear down a mural of great Cleveland Browns players on the wall in the Browns offices. Now, there are differing opinions about what really happened, whose fault it really was, does it all matter, etc. You know what? The Cleveland Browns have never been to a Super Bowl. Never. Not one. But Browns fans still have a whole lot of pride. Browns fans grow up on a glorious history. If you allow something stupid like that to happen on your watch ... just a horrendous hire.
Other bad hires that were compared to Mangini include: Art Shell, Bobby Petrino, Jim Zorn, Steve Spurrier, Raheem Morris, Tom Cable, Rich Kotite (RICH KOTITE!), Scott Linehan and Marty Mornhinweg. Posnanski rebuts all of those pretty factually.

We'd love to throw Norv Turner (hired by anyone) into that hat. He's turned the most talented team in the league into a perennial playoff bust. The Niners hiring Dennis Erickson was also pretty bad.

Worse NFL hire ever? Your arguments in the comments, please.

Well this was inevitable...


Can't believe it took us this long to find a fan wearing a Wayne Chrebet jersey. Jeez...the guy was practically a legend...

...'And he hasn't had a hit in ever'

This video is so old, so fantastic and so sports related.

Pay close attention to the play-by-play guy. He steals the show!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Act now and you too can avoid listening to Joe Buck

Last October I wrote about all the possible ways you could watch the World Series without having to listen to the awful Fox announcers. This may sound easy, but of course the problem is that the sound from the radio is often 3-4 seconds ahead of the TV signal, so it makes it pretty annoying to simply mute the TV and listen to the radio. So I looked at the various ways you could delay the radio signal to match it up with the TV. One of the most affordable options was the SportSync radio.

Well, I am proud to announce that I am now the lucky owner of a SportSync radio. I put it on my Amazon wish list, and good ol' Mom got it for me for my birthday. I have tested its delaying capabilities and I am happy to say that it totally works. I can now watch a Giants game and listen to Jon Miller calling it on the radio, and they are perfectly in sync! Needless to say I am more than excited to use this genius invention during the playoffs and World Series.

Sadly I have no idea how long this thing takes to ship once you order it, but I strongly urge all of you Joe Buck haters to order one RIGHT NOW. You will not be disappointed.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Excuse us while we go swallow a grenade


How's this for a fun sports weekend:
Wow, looks like we're going to take up knitting, cooking or anything else that doesn't involve a motherfucking ball.

Can't remember much worse of a sports weekend. It's times like these where there is nothing fun about sports; it serves only as a recreational activity to tear out your heart with an ice cream scoop.

So forgive us if we aren't all smiles this week. We'll probably lock ourselves in a closet and dedicate our life to perfecting the French Knot.

Morning Headlines: Lions 19, Redskins 14

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Lions-Redskins box score].

-Campbell throws for over 300 yards, but 'Skins fall to 1-2

-Stingy D leads Detroit to first win of 2009

-Lions close gap in tight NFC North

Hey, Lions! Neato.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Pre-Gaming: Your top announcers

Announcers can fuck up a telecast. Just ask anyone about Joe Buck. If he was a college football guy, I'd probably have clawed at my ears with a stapler remover already. It's a good thing he just ruins the MLB playoffs and stays far the fuck away from college football.

On the flip side, there are broadcast teams that are the fucking Mozart of the college game. They bring knowledge, insight and excitement to any game. Who are these wonderful, wonderful human beings? Glad you asked.

1. Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy "The Wolf" Wolfson, CBS.

Doesn't hurt that this team gets a solid SEC game each week, but by golly, they could make Vanderbilt at Mississippi State sound like the most important game in college football since the Taft administration.

Lundquist calls it beautifully, Danielson gives accurate, no-nonense insight and The Wolf looks good while giving you insightful updates like Tim Tebow is an effective football player.

2. Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, ESPN.

I would pay for Ron Franklin to read me Goodnight Moon. He's soothing, sophisticated and a wonderful story teller. Goodnight Moon fucking rules.

3. Mike Patrick, Craig James, Heather Cox.

I'm a big Mike Patrick fan. He gets really excited when there's a two-yard run on 1st and 10, but so be it. Call him the opposite of Buck, I'd take Patrick any day.

4. Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge, Erin Andrews.

Nessler and Blackledge are fine in the booth and Andrews gives sideline reports that give adolescent boys boners in 100 words or less.

5. Chris Fowler, Craig James, Jesse Palmer, Erin Andrews.

Fowler's pretty good. Wasn't Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor? That show is fucking rigged.

What broadcasts will you be watching Saturday?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.


No. 9 Miami at No. 11 Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., ABC: It's probably a good thing that a four-bunny ACC game no longer involves Wake Forest and Clemson. When the conference stole from the Big East, these are the kind of match ups they had in mind.

While on the topic of Wake Forest, did you know Riley Skinner's still in school? He's been there since Tim Duncan was a fucking sophomore! Graduate already! This isn't Van Wilder! Miami 27, Virginia Tech 19.


Texas Tech at No. 17 Houston, 9:15 p.m., ESPN 2: D-fense. D-fense. D-fense.. Texas Tech 427, Houston 426.


Arkansas at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Holy shit the sundresses are gonna be good. Nothing like hot, southern girls in skimpy sundresses on a college football Saturday. The South is an amazing place. Alabama 42, Arkansas 28.

Iowa at No. 5 Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC:
Can't the Big 10 just simulate the rest of the season so they can fast forward to getting their ass kicked by USC in the Rose Bowl? An early season game between Iowa and Penn State will engage about six people who know what an ocean looks like. Penn State 20, Iowa 13.

Fresno State at No. 14 Cincinnati, 12 p.m., Gameplan.


Arizona State at No. 21 Georgia, 7 p.m., ESPNU:
The percentage of unattractive girls between the ages of 18-30 at this game is going to be -2%. Georgia 34, Arizona State 24.

Notre Dame at Purdue, 8 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tucker Death Mix


750 ml Everclear
32 oz Gatorade (lemon lime)
2 cans Red Bull

Pour all ingredients into a jug, and serve into highball glasses. Or drink out of a Camelbak.

A Tucker-Max original, this will convince you that even Duke can win. (And it'll probably make you throw up on a police officer.)

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Georgia


Give a dawg a bone...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Florida Gators

They grow 'em big in Florida. The lineman. Yes, the offensive linemen in Florida are big.

(Photos via Poon of the SEC).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"i¬9ƒul∑r7~" (Don't go out there and think, just play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

USC (-45) over Washington State
. Fuck this, I'm picking against Washington State every week.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-2

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona

OUT FOR THE SEASON?!?! Did I call your mother a whore? Why do this to me? You and LaDainian Tomlinson can go eat a pile of shit together.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

If Harris lights up a good Va Tech defense, let's just give him the award right now.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. It's only a matter of time, right? Right?!
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State. Maybe you aren't doing well because your last name's spelled all sorts of wrong.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Ohio State's Fight the Team



A little too peppy, but classic nonetheless. Cool name.

Babe of the Week:

Jessica Barton

Yowzers! Sand is the best form of bikini.

Full gallery here. Thank me later.

College football, booze and girls. What could be better?! Week 4: get reckless!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

When you break it down, you want to hurt Brian Sabean that much more


Two "big" mid-season trades for the Giants: Ryan Garko for pitcher Scott Barnes and Freddy Sanchez for pitcher Tim Alderson.

At the time of the trades the Giants were eight over .500. Entering Wednesday, they were 11 over. That has nothing to do with either of these acquisitions.

Garko: Hitting .233 with 2 HRs and 12 RBI as a Giant. Barnes hasn't made it to the Bigs, but is still responsible, somehow, for three Indian wins.

Sanchez: Since joining the Giants is hitting .283 with 1 HR, 1 double, 2 walks and 7 RBI. He's played in 25 of 52 games and will require offseason surgery. Alderson, one of the Giants' top prospects and a former first-round pick, hasn't made it up either, but will push Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter for the NL Cy Young Award this year.

Sanchez will likely be the Giants' starting second baseman in 2010, but will be coming off surgery. Garko might be selling used cars.

Hated the trades at the time. Still hate them. Singles hitters who can't take a walk are characteristics of everyone else in the FUCKING LINEUP! Go get a fucking power hitter or hoard your pitchers and you'll have the best rotation in baseball!

We'll talk when the Giants go get Matt Holliday and Adrian Gonzalez. And Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, David Wright and anybody else capable of hitting a home run or moving a runner over with less than two outs.

Holding the ball ransom for...1 MILLION dollars


Some of the best fans we know are A's fans. They're knowledgeable, educated and root for the team the right way.

The rest of the Oakland fanbase? Not so bright. Generalization? Absolutely. But our experience with them hasn't been great.

This one fan certainly isn't giving the A's fanbase a good name.
Outfielder Matt Carson does not have the ball from his first big-league home run - the fan who caught it Monday refused to give it up unless he was paid for it.

The A's usually trade a signed bat for a milestone baseball, sometimes throwing in a few hats or a shirt, but they will not pay for returned balls.

"I only want money," the fan told clubhouse personnel before leaving.

"He wanted a lot, too," said Carson, who like others heard that the demand was $10,000, although that could not be confirmed.
Hey, tough economy. Anything to get a buck. A Matt Carson-signed bat would've been fucking sweet, though.

[San Francisco Chronicle via Ben Maller]

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

About the time I think I might have maybe been picked up at a gay bar


I prefer to avoid LA at all costs. It's smoggy, elitist and I feel like I need about six more 0s at the end of my income to feel important in that town; that's a feeling no one should ever have.

At the same time, you can walk out the front door and instantly be surrounded by five incredibly hot chicks. Even the dogs in LA are fucking attractive.

One night I met up with some college buddies to go out in Hollywood. I've been reading all about Tucker Max's exploits and now feel I can conquer the fucking world. I wanted to go test my new knowledge by playing the best fucking wingman ever.

We went out to a bar in a strip mall that seemed kinda cool. One of the guys we were with knew the bartender and we were doing shots and being rowdy and looking for chicks to pick up.

And then I had one of those moments right out of Chasing Amy.



(4:50-5:25 mark)

It was ALL DUDES!!! It wasn't that it was a weekday night. It wasn't that it was a sports bar. I was at a gay bar.

Cool. No prob. Had a good laugh at the slow realization of it all.

And then when a tall, handsome man approaches me and ask me if he knows me from somewhere, I think I might be having my first I'm-getting-picked-up-at-a-gay-bar moment.

Granted, I was very friendly when I told him I never lived in Florida, don't know anyone who lives in Florida and have not been to Florida in about 20 years.

We then left and found a bar that had girls and karaoke and $16 pitchers of beer (FUCK LA!) and I fucking nailed my wingman status with two cute girls new to the area (they're from Chicago and sounded like Chris Farley from the Ditka SNL skit). They were both cute and totally DTF!

OK. LA's kinda cool. Then I went into a store where they sell $125 t-shirts and the woman working there was among the hottest chicks I've ever seen. This town is fantastic.

The Hamilton Coyotes?


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

All right, so I’m not a complete expert on the inner workings of the NHL or the U.S. dollar to Canadian dollar exchange rate. What I do know is that the NHL made a giant mistake in allowing the Winnipeg Jets to be “relocated” to Glendale/Phoenix back in 1996. There are various reasons for this including: poor location, little-to-no fan base, and a money-losing franchise.

All told, each of these issues is interwoven. The snowy landscape of Winnipeg, Manitoba and the Winnipeg Arena fostered the careers of Teemu Selanne, Nikolai Khabibulin, Kris Draper, and Keith Tkachuk. They also had a nice, simple logo featuring the team’s name in white and a jet airliner. Plus, they represented Central Canada, an area generally not noticed by most Americans.

In truth, more people are familiar with the city of Phoenix, Ariz. What they are not as familiar with is Glendale, Ariz. I can’t imagine Gary Bettman and the powers that be in the NHL sitting around and thinking “Hockey in Phoenix? Sounds good.” Phoenix is the home of Spring Training baseball, the Suns, and the Cardinals. It is not the home of hockey.

Unsurprisingly, the Coyotes do not draw well and their losing money faster than a drunken CEO on a craps run in Vegas. Does that mean there aren’t a few Arizonans who have adopted the Coyotes as their own? No, but I would be very surprised. Frankly, I can only imagine that transplants from cold weather U.S. states or ex-pat Canadians are Coyotes fans.

This leads to the current situation where Research in Motion Ltd. head Jim Basille is trying to relocate the team to Hamilton, Ontario. Basille has been meeting roadblocks from the NHL, Glendale city officials, and other owners. Pushback by the city of Glendale combined with the Maple Leafs lack of desire for more competition in-province seems reasonable. The unreasonable comes from the NHL who seems to think it can have a hockey organization flourish in Arizona.

The alternative as presented by Basille is to move the Coyotes to Hamilton, Ontario. The Leafs are against this because they feel it provides extra competition since Hamilton is much closer to Toronto than Ottawa. It is my personal opinion that this would be a good idea if not for another idea: give the Coyotes back to Winnipeg.

The city of Winnipeg and the province of Manitoba is not exactly a vacation destination. The only celebrity I know of from Winnipeg is former “Let’s Make a Deal” host Monty Hall. The only professional team in Winnipeg right now is the CFL’s Blue Bombers who recently had the good sense to not sign Adam “Pacman” Jones.

Basille’s motto for the Coyotes to Hamilton is “Make it Seven” referring to having seven teams in Canada. I agree, I just think that the seventh team should be in Winnipeg and he should push for an eighth in Quebec City. What say you, Jim Basille?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

We've been there too, buddy

Head in hands, on the brink of tears, wanting to punch a hole through a brick wall...just a day in the life of a tormented sports fan.

After Clemson's near comeback against Georgia Tech on Sept. 10, this Tigers fan didn't take the loss well.



Don't worry, friend. They put Virginia on the schedule for a reason.

Morning Headlines: Villalona suspect in shooting death

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Villalona involved in shooting].

-Villanoa's prospect status harmed by lack of plate discipline, murder

-Urbina: 'I think this kid has a bright future'

-Gaints prospect smokes baseballs, people

ALSO: Things that, until yesterday, might have been heard on KNBR (between announcers Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, the radio home of the San Francisco Giants, in the future:

Kuiper: "Groundball to third, Villalona spears it and guns him down at first!"

Krukow: "He has everything you look for in a player, Kuip. He's got an absolute gun, he's really aggressive, and he just murders the ball."

Krukow: "Boy, Villalona's going through a tough stretch here these last few weeks. He's been absolutely brutal."

Your not-so-sensitive criminal headlines in the comments, please.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Jumping on the U-Dub bandwagon isn't that easy


For how great the Huskies' win was Saturday -- and don't get me wrong, it was fucking great --there was a part of me that was hesitant to be fully excited and jump on the Huskies-to-the-Rose-Bowl bandwagon.

I have a few theories why I pulled back from fully embracing a huge upset, a huge win, and didn't celebrate by eating a bottle of tequila.

1. I wasn't there.

Haven't lived in Seattle for over a year, have been out of school for over three and wasn't in the raucous Husky Stadium to feel the excitement.

When you watch a game on TV it takes something away. You're not invested the same way you are when you spend time amongst the fans and scenery of an actual ballgame.

So watching, nearly 1,000 miles away, I couldn't hop on board as easily as I would've liked.

2. USC wasn't at it's fullest.

The Trojans were missing their starting QB, their likely overall best player in safety Taylor Mays and Pete Carroll may or may not have actually been there. LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke had some choice words.

3. I'm scared to jump on board.

Call me a bad fan, but I think that by getting sucked in to another on-the-fence-good team (read: 2009 San Francisco Giants) I'm setting myself up for the fall.

With losing comes apathy. Of course with winning comes elation, but unless we're in Florida or Pennsylvania, no one's doing much winning.

When you've lost 15 in a row, No. 16 doesn't sting. But when you win five in a row, are on the cusp of a good bowl game, that first loss after the wins feels like salt in every fucking wound.

When the Giants lose 100 games, I'm checked out by No. 85. Fairweather? Perhaps. But, ask any woman in my life, I'm far easier to deal with when they lose on a daily basis opposed to when they rip out my fucking heart.

I'm excited about these Huskies. Hell, I went to school there for that football program. But I'm not ready to "give up sports for good this time," after a gut-wrencher to Stanford.

The Dawgs get to 9-1? Let's talk.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Pre-gaming: Moving, 'Revenge,' and Aggie Punch


Moving fucking grinds my gears. Boxes, packing tape and storage really suck.

I had to move this week. It fucking grinded my gears. I already said that. Fuck you. I moved this week. And you didn't.

Carrying a 40-inch TV by yourself? Not fun. Having to move a sofa bed down three flights of stairs? I'd rather be covered in paper cuts and then go swim in the ocean. Trying to fit a queen-sized bed in a car? I will toss salad before doing that again.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING CLEAN!

Just when you think you're done -- the boxes are all out. Hooray! -- you're scrubbing the walls, dusting the shit out of the window blinds and cleaning the motherfucking fridge. You know how gross my fridge was? My girlfriend spilled Gatorade in there and then kept the contents of an entire farm in there for like three months. LETTUCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BLACK!

Then, after you've become a professional cleaner, you expect to get your hefty deposit back. Oh? You still have to hire a cleaning service? FUCK YOU WITH HEDGE CLIPPERS.

So the moral of the story? Watch college football this weekend. (And don't ever leave your home.)

Who will be moving and shaking this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means:
"It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Game on. All times Eastern.


None. Fuck this.


No. 19 Nebraska at No. 13 Virginia Tech, 3:30, ABC.

Hard-nosed, defensive-oriented, grind it out...all euphemisms for BORING FUCKING FOOTBALL. If the Beamer Ballers can score two TDs, they'll probably win. Virginia Tech 14, Nebraska 13.

No. 18 Utah at Oregon, 3:30, ESPN.

Don't sleep on Oregon. Bad showing in Boise, but this Oregon team is loaded with talent. Now that they're unranked, be weary of those mighty Ducks. Oregon 38, Utah 35.

Texas Tech at No. 2 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Taylor Potts could throw for 821 yards and the Red Raiders would still lose by two touchdowns.

"Texas has one word in mind: Revenge." (Guarantee that's Brent Musburger's open!) Texas 42, Texas Tech 28. (Potts throws for 821 yards in the loss).


No. 17 Cincinnati at Oregon State, 6:45 p.m., TV?

Big, big week for the Pac-10. The Quizz show is going to be televised in Big East country. Oregon State 24, Cincinnati 21.

Florida State at No. 7 BYU, 7 p.m., TV?


Tennessee at No. 1 Florida, 12:3o p.m., CBS.

Florida's going to run up the score in this one. Lane Kiffin's gonna start watching what he says in the offseason. Florida 54, Tennessee 26.

No. 23 Georgia at Arkansas, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.


Michigan State at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Aggie Punch


2 shots Gold tequila (Cuervo)
1 splash Lime juice
6 oz Apple-cranberry juice


Combine ingredients and stir. Best served over ice and in a clear glass.


In honor of Texas A&M, UC Davis and any other Aggies out there, this one's for you.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Florida State


Ah, the Tomahawk. A bit cliché at this point, but a nice subtlety on the helmet. Very good, FSU. Now about that 19-9 win over Jacksonville State...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Wisconsin Badgers


The girl on the right looks like Elisha Cuthbert in a "I'm 19, shaved and just blew a Sigma Chi in the bathroom kind of way."

(Photo via Big 10 Poon).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oqa˚π∑q119Pkn!#&" (Win the battle in the trenches).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Southern Miss (-15) over Virginia
. UVA is this year's Washington State. Until the 'Hoos can beat William & Mary, I'm picking against them.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-1

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

USC Defense

The only thing that matters in this league is scoring. Points allowed, turnovers forced, sacks...they don't mean shit. You can shutout a team, force 26 turnovers and sack the QB 418 times and you still won't get any points. But give up 63 points, force no turnovers and don't even once hurry the quarterback, yet score two TDs, you have the Defense of the Motherfucking Year.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

20-25, 270 yards, 3 TD. Against the 14th-ranked team. Until Tebow and McCoy start playing real universities, this Harris thing might have legs.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. This isn't going well at all. Let the students wear the shirt and tie. The sea of orange isn't working.
2. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. This "internship" is nearing it's end.
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State. Five days of golf a week might start sounding good for the 79-year-old Bowden.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Notre Dame's Victory March


South Bend would prefer to be hearing this a little more often.

Babe of the Week:

Carin Ashley


Yes! Yes! Yes!

Full gallery here. I would love to be that robe.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Make Week 3 your bitch.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

P.S. I totally scraped Zach

Wait, what the fuck? Joe Saunders is a lefty?

We've had Joe Saunders and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers on our fantasy for the last two years. That's perhaps the first question:

1. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

The second question would be:

2. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

We'd like you to know that we're in eighth place (out of 10 teams) in our league, meaning we're fucking awesomer than two other team. Joe Saunders, and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers, is responsible for that.

All this time, though, we thought he was a slightly taller, less fat version of Kevin Appier who knew better than to play for Kansas City. Turns out we were wrong on all accounts.

It seems that he's about equally as tall and fat as Kevin Appier but HE'S LEFT FUCKING HANDED! How could this have possibly slipped through the cracks of our baseball wisdom.

Call us bad baseball brainiacs. Or National League fans.

Some one drew a dick on Leodic McKelvin's lawn

Scary when professional athletes' homes are the subject of vandalism and draws into question privacy issues as well as the line between a fan and a fucking idiot.

After Buffalo's fucking terrible loss Monday to those assholes from Boston, in which McKelvin couldn't hold onto the football, some one thought he should be reminded of it by defacing his lawn.

An artist's rendering is below:


Instead the vandal drew a penis and not a spaceship.

In South America you get killed for something like this. So some graffiti ain't exactly life-threatening, but it does draw into question the privacy of the players and all that bullshit that you can read on a website that is more politically correct.

Drawing penises is funny, as evident in Superbad, so maybe the vandal was Jonah Hill or some one else fascinated with drawing dicks. Regardless, McKelvin's privacy was violated, he needs to protect his family and he needs to learn how to fucking accept a touchback.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A voice from above

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

When the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum opened its turnstiles to East Bay baseball fans, there were two voices booming loudly. In the broadcast booth, it was Monty Moore detailing the exploits of the likes of Jim “Catfish” Hunter throwing a perfect game and “helping his own cause” by getting three RBI. A few rooms over, a bushy-haired man sat booming the names to the fans below. That man: Roy Steele.

Dubbed “The Voice of God” by Jon Miller, Steele has been the voice of the Oakland Athletics since 1968. He is the West Coast version of the Yankees Bob Sheppard. Like Sheppard, however, Steele is no longer able to work the Coliseum’s Public Address System.

As a young A’s fan in the late '80s, I can distinctly remember the names of Mark McGwire and Dave Henderson echoing through the Coliseum. It always highlighted the experience of sitting in the stands at the Coliseum. Not to mention the fact that A’s were consistently contending for the Commissioner’s Trophy (World Series Trophy) each year. I have never had the opportunity to meet Roy Steele but I would like very much do.

The reason for this is simple: I met Bill King in 2004 during Spring Training. This is the first and only time I’ve met an announcer in any sport. Because I was a bit out of the loop sports wise, my lauding of Bill King did not resonate the way it should. It also hurt his cause that I wasn’t hearing him broadcast Warriors or Raiders games when I was a kid.

Roy Steele, on the other hand, has been a constant voice I have heard throughout my childhood. I like Dick Callahan -- the current voice of the Coliseum and the Cal Bears -- well enough. He is a jovial sort and does a good job. The problem is that he is the unenviable position of following Roy Steele.

The same is true of Vince Cotroneo who was hired by the A’s after Bill King’s untimely passing in 2005. I can only think of one situation in which the man following a legend did so without a “bump in the road”: Harry Kalas.

In addition to having been the voice of the Phillies since 1971, Kalas became the full-time voice of NFL films after John Facenda passed in 1984. Facenda created many of the great voice over moments in the history of NFL films. For Bay Area purposes, one of his greatest was “The Autumn Wind is a Raider.” The combination of the musical score and Facenda’s voice is what Hawaiians call a “chicken skin” moment.

This only one moment in a sea of other, slower transitions from one voice to another. Like many things, I just miss “The Voice of God” as it hearkens back to a simpler time when Dave Henderson’s name boomed through the stands.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Worse Week-1 loss: Bengals or Bills?

The first game of the season has the potential to be the best day of the year for bad teams: It is likely the only time they won't have a losing record.

So for the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills, two teams not expected to be competitive in 2009, Week 1 had the potential to be so uplifting that it could've altered the fate of their seasons. Both had commanding leads in the waning minutes. A 1-0 record within reach.

Then...disaster.

First this:



Then this:



BOTH. SEASONS. ARE. OVER.

That's probably a given. Those are unfathomable losses. But which is worse?

The Case for Cincinnati: The Bengals had a one-point lead with .28 seconds left after scoring a go-ahead touchdown and had Denver backed up inside the 15. And then they gave up one of the flukiest plays we've seen in a long while, which essentially ended the game. Cincinnati didn't even get a real shot to counter Denver's score.

The Case for Buffalo: They had the preseason Super Bowl favorite all-but beat. Up 24-13 with 5:32 to go, all the Bills had to do was not fuck things up. Then they fucked things up. After giving up a late score, Leodis McKelvin fielded the ensuing kickoff, didn't kneel it despite receiving the kick on his back foot in the end zone, then fought for extra yards which resulted in a fumble. The Pats recovered and did what the Pats do when they recover fumbles with about a minute left: They scored the fucking touchdown and won the game.

We don't have a good answer on this. Cincinnati's loss is clearly worse, but Denver is supposed to be worse than they are, so really, they should've had the game wrapped up earlier. Buffalo had a win on the road against the best team in football and gave the game away.

Help us decide, football fans. Your pick in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Patriots 25, Bills 24

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Patriots-Bills box score].

-Big second quarter lifts Pats past Bills

-Dazzling debuts: Owens in Buffalo, Taylor in New England

-Jauron looking forward to home opener against Tampa Bay

Leodis McKelvin!!!! HOLD ON TO THE FUCKING BALL!

Talk some MNF in the comments.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Reason 2,193 why Gus Johnson is fucking awesome



Really not a good way to start the season for Cincy. That kinda sucks. And the Bengals were going to be very bad anyway, so this isn't good. The Bengals could be the '08 Lions. This is not good at all. Why doesn't this happen to New England? We suppose the answer to that would be that the Pats would be leading by more than a point at home against the lowly Broncos. But, eesh, what a horrible way to lose. LOVE Johnson's call, though.

Ohio State-USC GameDay photos

Our friends friends Busted Coverage were in Columbus for USC's win over Ohio State Saturday. The Buckeyes' play was underwhelming, as expected, but we'll tip our cap to the OSU students for creativity.



Friday, September 11, 2009

Pre-Gaming: O U are fucked


If you root for Oregon (UO) or Oklahoma (OU) -- funny how acronyms work -- you've probably got reacquainted with your pal Jack Daniels and your other buddies Smith & Wesson this week.

Really about as shitty as an opening game can be. Which, though, was worse?

The case for Oregon: Loses one of its best players for the year (LeGarrette Blount), the offense looks average at best and "image" is now more of a concern than fixing the spread option.

The case for Oklahoma: Now has an uphill battle getting back to the BCS title game (will need to win out and probably get help) and isn't exactly sure how long Sam Bradford will be sidelined.

Also, very bad, were the weekends for Blount and Bradford. Bradford, a virtual lock to be the top pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, sees his elite draft status possibly in limbo and can kiss a second Heisman goodbye.

Blount now might not be running on Sundays and can kiss the 2009 season goodbye. But Blount does have one good thing going for him. Orson of EDSBS fame puts it best:
He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.
Smoothies are the fucking balls.

Whose season will get ruined this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means:
"It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Let's do this! All times Eastern.


No. 3 USC at No. 8 Ohio State, 8 p.m., ESPN

The Big 10, year after year, pretends to have an elite team just for them to be exposed by better teams from better conferences when it counts. Look at Ohio State the last, shit, 10 years. The Big 10 has lost its last six Rose Bowls and hasn't won one in nine years. I would put money on a mid-tier SEC team dropping the best Big 10 squad at a neutral site.

So despite the Buckeyes being at home, despite Terrell Pryor being similar to Vince Young and despite Jim Tressel's sweater vest, there is no valid reason why anyone should think that Ohio State can win this game. USC 38, Ohio State 14.


None. Fuck.


No. 18 Notre Dame at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC:

I think that if somehow these teams were both equally embarrassed, at the same time, by each other, on the same day (tough task), the sun would shine brighter on Sunday. Notre Dame 28, Michigan 24.


UCLA at Tennessee, 4 p.m., ESPN.


Lane Kiffin's a douchebag. Rick Neuheisel's a douchebag. Something's gotta give. Tennessee 41, UCLA 30.

Stanford at Wake Forest, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Fisting in a Mexican Prison


1 oz 1800 Tequila
2 oz cranberry juice
1 splash fresh lime juice

Shake the tequila, cranberry juice and the lime juice in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Strain into a salt-rimmed cocktail glass with a lime wedge, and serve.

This awesomely-named drink doesn't look the part, but should be perfect for girlie-girls and UCLA fans. Drink these in honor of those sodomized.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Michigan


These are new, yes? I can't decide if I like them or not but I don't think I do and I don't like Michigan. So fuck you, Rich Rodriguez.

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Clemson Tigers


South Carolina can fly any flag it likes as long as it has girls like this! (Not really, though. That's a pretty backwards state).

(Photo via ACC Poon)

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Jkl˚a&ˆ©p2a,lk1{?q" (The fourth quarter's ours).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Army over Duke (pick)
. Duke couldn't beat it's fucking basketball team. Give me the Cadets Black Knights without points on the board.

Whoa, whoa. Who the fuck are the Black Knights? What happened to the Cadets? You can't just change your fucking mascot when you've been around since fucking 1802.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-0

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

LeGarrette Blount, RB, Oregon

Think about the fantasy implications before you go off and get all assault-y, bro. This is the equivalent to Adrian Peterson tearing his ACL in Week 1 except if he was still in college and cold cocked a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

Jacory Harris is going to win this award. He's the next Gino Torretta.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Greg Robinson, Syracuse. Greg Paulus won't save you, man.
2. Al Groh, Virginia. Love the crew-neck sweatshirt. Don't love losing to William & Mary.
3. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. Beat Michigan and people will stop talking about your job security and instead recollect your weight-loss surgery.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue



I'm getting really fucking sick of hearing this tune in BCS games. Someone take out Tebow's legs already.

Babe of the Week:

Nichole Jackson


Hi there, Nichole with an H. Nice to meet you. I like college football and sex. Do you wanna have sex and watch college football?

Full gallery here. Jergens recommended.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Here's to some good games!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

TBP Fantasy Smackdown

Well folks, the NFL season is finally upon us and as luck would have it Zach and myself, contributor JMC, are already matched up in our fantasy league for Week 1. Zach already whined about his team, and now we get to see the first team he'll lose to. Take a look at the matchup and make your predictions in the comments. Full disclosure: I had the 1st pick (and hence, the 20th), while Zach had the 5th and 16th, and so on.

Getting reunited with the stirrup sock

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

One of the great phrases of all-time was whoever first referred to the NFL as the “No Fun League.” The fact that there are “uniform police” in the NFL borders on the fully ridiculous. One of the best examples of this was Jon Kitna getting fined by the NFL because he wasn’t wearing a Bengals hat during his post game press conference. Never mind that the hat was orange, it was more that it was religious. That is a different argument for a different time. What bothers me is not the NFL and its “uniform police.” What pisses me off is the lack of a “uniform police” in Major League Baseball.

I don’t know who first started wearing the uniform pants all the way to the shoe tops but has to stop. I could argue that this is a safety issue because people like Manny Ramirez look like he’s going to trip over himself. The issue is the disappearance of the stirrup sock. What is the stirrup sock you ask? It is generally a solid color sock worn over a “sanitary sock.” The A’s, for example, wore a green stirrup sock over a gold sanitary sock. The Cardinals wear the “barber pole” socks favored by Brendan Ryan and others. Most of the stirrup socks, however, were a simple solid color.

I realize that the authoritarian nature of league officials is bad for sports. No one wants to have people telling Jon Kitna what hat to wear or Wayne Gretzky how to tape his stick. What is at stake here is the definition of the word “uniform.” As I have heard one Adam Carolla yell on a few occasions, it is about “uniformity” or “sameness.”

I want people to wear stirrup socks because it is a safety issue. Take the aforementioned Manny Ramirez. The way he wears his uniform makes it look as though it is at least two sizes two big. This is compounded by the fact that the cuffs of his pant hang low over the back of his cleats. I can’t remember what Mr. Ramirez’s contract is worth, but I doubt Frank McCourt, Ned Colletti, or Joe Torre would like to see him blow out his ACL because he tripped over his pants.

On a selfish level, the stirrup sock look is a classic look that further makes each team unique. From the Kelly green and Fort Knox gold of the A’s to the Oriole orange, stirrup socks were an extra reminder of the team’s colors. Frankly, my only regret is that the Giants used to wear black stirrup sock but white and not orange sanitary socks.

There is hope on the horizon. A’s rookie pitcher Josh Outman donned the traditional A’s stirrup socks and showcased them to the general sporting public until he was shelved by surgery on his pitching elbow. I know one person can’t reverse a trend, so if Manny Ramirez wouldn’t mind tripping while rounding first, “That’d be great.”

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Foul Ball Etiquette

It's not easy getting a foul ball. Some people go to hundreds of games and leave with nothing but a lighter wallet. If you're lucky enough to be in foul-ball range, here's some proper etiquette to make sure you don't get jumped in the parking lot.

6a. Put down your fucking beer if you're serious about getting a ball.


There are three beers in that picture, two of which will surely spill on someone who won't get the ball. Put the beer down, put on your glove and act like a professional.

6b. Bring a glove -- if you don't, get the fuck out of the way.

Like seriously, bring a glove. People will think you're a true fan and not some corporate schmuck who is giving downtown ballparks a bad name.

5. Don't steal the ball from the kid when the umpire tosses it in the stands.


That poor girl doesn't stand a chance at getting the ball. If you're making a leaping grab on an Albert Pujols liner, fine. But when the ump casually tosses the ball to the crowd in between innings, let the little kid have the glory. Baseball is for the kids, after all.

4. If you chase a ball down the aisle in section 406 during a day game at Dolphin Stadium, do not pat yourself on the back.


I could get a foul ball in the nosebleeds at Marlins game while simultaneously jerking off, online shopping and making a peanut butter sandwich. If you happen to get an easy one, sit right back down and enjoy the rest of the game.

3. If you make a good catch, don't jump up and down like an idiot; act like you've been there before.

You've brought your glove, are in position and then Matt Kemp rips one in your vicinity and you leap and get it! Great catch, dude, but you didn't help the home team win. Enjoy the applause as you happily sit down without making a scene.

2. When do you have to give the ball to a kid?


Tough question. Let's decipher this from a few angles:

If you're at the game with your kid:

ALWAYS give the ball to your kid. Wanna pay for years of therapy down the road? Fuck. No. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! Give it to your kid.

If you don't have kids, but there's a kid sitting close by:

1. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! It's yours. Keep it, frame it and send a text to your GF who won't give two fucks that you caught a foul ball.

2. The ball bounces off three people, rolls down the aisle and it accidentally lands in your hand? Your call. But karma says give it to the kid. If not, a flat tire's coming your way.

3. The ball bounces off the kid's glove right in front of you, rolls down the aisle and accidentally lands in your hand? No-brainer. Give it to the kid.

If it's Adults-Only Night and there is no kid anywhere in the stadium.

Doesn't matter the circumstances. Give it to your girlfriend. You might actually get laid.

1. Don't pull a Bartman.


If you reach into the field of play,

1. Leave the stadium immediately
2. Find the nearest train tracks
3. Wait
4. Keep waiting
5. Stare the train down
6. Move at the last minute.
7. (If a repeat offender) don't move at the last minute.

Any omissions in the comments, please.