Thursday, April 30, 2009

Did D-Wade knock up Gabrielle Union?

Rumors floating about the NBA's leading scorer, Dwayne Wade, having knocked up hot chick (and wonderful actress in a hot, not very good actress kind of way) Gabrielle Union. Wade had two kids with soon-to-be ex-wife Siohvaughn, who is none too pleased about Wade making Baby No. 3 (hey, that's his jersey number!) with Union.
No wonder Miami Heat superstar Dwyane Wade seems distracted at times this playoff season.

Rumors that his paramour, actress Gabrielle Union, recently was or currently is expecting his lovechild have been dogging Wade – this, as he fights through a nasty divorce with his high school sweetheart.

While Union, 36, denied it on a black entertainment website – “I love my margaritas too much,” she said – I’m told Wade’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Siohvaughn, went ballistic when Wade, 26, told her about the new baby.
Union's 36?! Whoa. Clock's ticking.

Remember her in Bad Boys II? She was hot as all hell in that movie. And remember that dead chick with the great cans? Yeah, totally great cans (kinda NSFW).

[Page2Live]

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'll give you something to crank

This is what happens when you're a wildly successful receiver at a small-town school that likes football: you get song parodies about you to the tune of Soulja Boy.



The rapper's name is RyZe and he's from Lubbock, home of TTU, where correct spelling is apparently optional. His career is on the fast track much the same as Snoop, Biggie and Tupac. Ideally, so is Crabtree's. There's even an entire website dedicated to the song.

Crank that Crabtree sounds like something one would do alone at night with some Jergens. The song is surely going top-40.

Morning Headlines: Boston-Chicago Game 5


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Celtics-Bulls box score].

-Free throws (16-24) don't prove costly as Celtics beat Eastern Conference foe

-Gordon logs 51 minutes for Bulls in loss

-Rivers: 'Rajon Rondo is the heart and soul of this team'

Your playoff best in the comments.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

53 wins, 117 points and a regular season to remember gets blown to smithereens in six games


Disastrous, horrendous, gut-wrenching would probably be the best ways to describe the San Jose Sharks' series loss to the Anaheim Ducks.

The Bay Area's best hope for anything resembling sports success, the Sharks took a 53-18-11 record into the playoffs and like they've done so many times, completely collapsed in the playoffs.

Goodnight you sweet creatures. May you not epically disappoint next season.

Reason No. 4,298 why the NBA is a fucking joke


This is a playoff game where the road team won by 58 points. Nothing about this is remotely right.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Draft-Day Diary

For the draft, I went up to Davis, Calif. with five other guys on Friday night. We cramped into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Nobody threw up inside. There was a lot of shitting. And beer. Here's how Saturday went down.

8:09 a.m.: Wake up with pounding headache despite Alka-Seltzering the night before. That shit doesn't work at all. And drinking wine, Sparks and Coors Light, and getting six hours of sleep after sharing the bed with another man leaves you with a headache. These are indisputable facts.
8:10: Feel the turd wrapped around my colon.
8:15: Do something about it.
8:31: Wished I hadn't. (This, by the way, is a horrible feeling. To feel worse after dropping dung is a bad way to start a day).
8:58: Everyone's up. Hard to tell if Sam slept at all. He got in bed hawking Brian Orakpo and he still is. Sam is alone in this sentiment.
9:01: With so many needs for the 49ers, I say that the only way that they can fuck this up is if Crabtree is available at No. 10 and they don't take him.
9:02: Think that in about five and a half hours the Niners will do exactly that.
9:26: Walk over to the Financial District. It's not really a financial district, but there's a Wells Fargo, Bank of America and Chase all on the same block. Davis is not New York City. But there is a Financial District. +1 Davis.
9:45: Order breakfast at Crepevine. Crepes are a stupid food that should be left to the French and stupid people. Good thing that this stupid food restaurant also had normal breakfast items like eggs and toast and other non-stupid food.
9:48: Realized that I fucking hate regular breakfast places, too. For example, Friday night before hitting the road, I made a five-egg scramble with Andouille sausage, bacon, cheese, onions and bell pepper. First off, Andouille is better than sex. I would eat Andouille sausage in my fucking Cheerios. Andouille turns vegetarians into carnivores. Andouille could kill Chuck Norris. Secondly, this cost me about 10 minutes and maybe $3. At Crepevine, I got some southwestern scramble with salsa, avocado and other things that aren't particularly native to the southwest yet is considered southwestern cuisine. It was fine, yet there were only two eggs, there was no meat and it cost about eight bucks. Grrrr.
9:49: Mind-fuck a few of the waitresses. College girls wearing tank tops and daisy dukes is a good way to earn a tip.
9:51: Sam will not shut up about Brian Orakpo.
10:35: Begin beer/munchies run at local supermarket. Note supermarket's ping-pong ball selection is in the beer aisle.
10:36: Also in beer aisle is a make-your-own-six-pack. This is AWESOME! They have a bunch of individual bottles of good beers -- nice selection, too -- and you can arrange your own variety pack for like $8.50. Solid supermarket.
11:00: Next door, Papa Murphy's has just opened so we go to get some take-'n'-bake for lunch.
11:11: Order two cheese pizzas. It took us 11 fucking minutes to settle on two cheese pizzas. Our pizza maker was somewhat amused by our general ineptitude.
11:36: Compose and erect a NFL Draft Big Board and rotate through the bathroom. You wouldn't believe the action this toilet saw over the course of 36 hours. We just torched the hell out of that thing.
12:40 p.m.: Twenty minutes to go. Time to pop the champagne and pore some grapefruit mimosas.
1:00: "The Detroit Lions are on the clock." jkdjfiohsiotheodnuhndklsjfhwiothewh!!!!!!!!!!!
1:01: (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
1:02: Love how Jets fans are booing the start of the draft. These guys would boo the birth of their sister's child. "Shoulda been a boy."
1:12: Discuss how Seattle and Jacksonville hold the keys to this draft.
1:22: Tyson Jackson!!!!! A late mover has us out of our seats.
1:34: Proven wrong about the 'Hawks and Jags. Jets move up! MAJOR TRADE! Jets fans seem pleased, yet still booing.
1:55: Oakland takes Heyward-Bey from out of left fucking field. Al Davis is absolutely insane. He masturbates to 40 times. Heyward-Bey!?!?! At No. 7?!?!?! This is Al Davis.
1:57: Realize that if Crabtree makes it past Jacksonville he could be a Niner! We nervously anticipate the upcoming pick.
2:10: Crabtree still on the board! This is incredible news. Green Bay isn't going to take a receiver!
2:18: Niners are on the clock. The pick has to be Crabtree. But it could be Michael Oher. They need line help. Sam is fighting for Orakpo. We're in accordance that the worst pick here would be Jeremy Maclin. They're gonna fuck this up.
2:23: They don't! CRABTREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:27: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:31: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:55: Eat our first Papa Murphy's cheese pizza. Had never tried Papa Murphy's until now and think we probably won't again. That's not to say it was bad, but the take-'n'-bake concept isn't one we find appealing. Why would I pay someone to make me a raw pizza when I could not only have someone DELIVER me a pizza but it would be FULLY COOKED!
3:13: The hiccups have overcome Jamie (JMC). Jamie takes a "nap" to try to get rid of them. This is not a nap. This is Jamie passing out.
4:25: Jamie is back! Up from his nap and re-charged, he grabs another drink. We strongly approve of this.
4:26: Hiccups are back.
4:32: Can't believe Maualuga is still on the board. If he ends up in Baltimore, Pittsburgh or New England, he's a sure-fire Hall of Famer.
4:58: Maualuga ends up in Cincinnati. His Hall of Fame bid is over before it even began.
6:27: Eat second of two cheese pizzas. There is nothing good about Papa Murphy and what he stands for.
6:49: Turn on "Desperado." Fast-forward to the scene where Salma shows her tits. Salma Hayek is so mind-fuckingly hot in that movie we nearly circle-jerked. She was that amazing. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Here's a NSFW pic that will easily make your Monday better.
7:14: Rotate through the shower. Everyone shits again. Someone might have jerked it in the shower thinking of Salma. Probably not.
8:16: All cleaned up, drinks mixed in water bottles for the walk, and we get ready to burn down Davis.
9:27: We're two beers down apiece and have moved on to Scotch at Uncle Vito's. Horrible name for a bar. But they had the Sharks game on. SHARKS!
10:08: Walk outside to grab the mixed drinks we had stashed in some bushes. (Totally classy). We dusted those off while discussing the movie, "A History of Violence." Solid movie. Loved William Hurt in it. Thing is, we couldn't remember in one of the movie's final scenes when protagonist Viggo Mortensen encounters his brother (Hurt) and Hurt calls him by his real name, not the alias he has been living by the last many years. For the life of us, we couldn't remember his fucking name. It was driving us nuts. Conveniently, there was a Blockbuster a block away from the bar; everything in Davis is a block away. So Adam runs over to Blockbuster, drunk, and comes out five minutes later yelling JOEY!
10:37: Think tequila shots are a good idea.
10:39: Realize that tequila shots probably weren't a good a idea.
11:45: End up at some dance club -- it's Davis, so the dance club is just a Thai restaurant/bar with a big dance floor -- because the single guys want to, "go chase some skirt."
12:58 a.m.: Two dudes go back to some girl's house. Neither gets laid. Jets fans are booing.
1:14: The Niners drafted Crabtree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:39: Walking back home, we stumble into two guitar-playing bums. We ask for "November Rain" and settle for "Knockin' on Heaven's Door."
1:52: End up at some corner mini-mart. Again, influenced by too much alcohol, think that Cup of Noodles, Pringles and beef jerky is a good idea. Alcohol is a helluva drug.
2:12: Turn on "Borat."
2:26: Make snooty comment about Cup of Noodles in Borat voice.
2:59: CRABTREE!!!
3:01: Asleep. (CRABTREE!!!!)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Rick Ankiel has a cool new 'stache


Latest pro athlete to make a curious facial-hair decision: Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel.

"I think it looks good," he said.

(He didn't really say that.)

But if it's a slump buster, we'll take it. Ankiel's our boy in the head-to-head fantasy league and he went 3-4, hit his first homer and drove in two runs Thursday. Who said superstition doesn't pay off?

Ankiel's new look is similar to the style Jason Giambi rocked last July. Take off that batting helmet, he sorta looks like Joe Pantoliano from Memento. Memento. Good movie.

Naturally, Twitter maniac Barry Zito had the scoop. Zito is now shirtless in his profile pic. Is a mustache to follow?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

You fucked a girl waaaay out of your league, you got a promotion and your fantasy is fucking killing; yet two hours of traffic erased all of that


On my way back from the gym I have to take this major, two-lane surface street that has more fucking traffic signals than I have pubic hairs. One of the lights is at a major intersection and I swear if you hit the light right as it's turning red you can get through an entire Guns N' Roses song before the light turns green. And not one of their short, shitty songs. I'm talking about one of their fucking ballads, like "November Rain" or the vastly underrated "Estranged."

No car was directly in front of me as I was approaching this intersection yesterday. I saw that handy "it's safe to cross the street and you won't get hit by a car but you better not take your fucking time if someone's trying to make a right turn" timer counting down, which is great for timing traffic lights. The timer was at four and I was totally gonna make it. Then some fuck in Subaru -- they're always in a fucking Subaru -- cuts me off, drives through the light and I'm stuck with eight minutes of G&R.

If there's anything that can instantly change my mood, it's missing all of the lights on this street or being stuck in traffic. I know you're going, "Blah blah blah just another jackass that hates traffic. EVERYBODY HATES TRAFFIC YOU HATE-FILLED ASSHOLE!" but think about how much traffic really sucks. There is no silver lining to traffic. There is no upside. No potential. (Not that I'm excited about the draft or anything).

Remember that scene from Falling Down where Michael Douglas is sitting in his car on a hot day, a fly buzzing in the car, beads of sweat on his forehead and he drives like 10 feet in 20 minutes then fucking loses it, abandons his car on the freeway and proceeds to kill a bunch of people? That movie was pretty awesome. But traffic -- Michael Douglas was also in the movie Traffic -- turns a normal man into a killing machine! TRAFFIC IS THAT FUCKING AWFUL!

Your hate-filled traffic stories encouraged in the comments. Please don't pull a Michael Douglas. That wouldn't be very good at all.

That's what the excitement for Lindsay Soto was all about?


Remember Lindsay Soto? The FSN/Versus blonde, maybe fake-titted hottie that was crowned Would you do... champ? She's back in the news...

All I heard while listening to local Sports Radio yesterday morning was how hot she was during the Sharks/Ducks telecast. Callers and the show's hosts were saying how she overshadowed a good Sharks victory.

So, naturally, all we could think about for the rest of the day was coming home, finding good YouTube footage from Tuesday's game, and lighting some candles while Jergens and Kleenex kept us company.

After some digging, Deadspin gave us the video we were looking for.



THAT'S IT?! That's like high-school cleavage. I would rather masturbate to Baseball Tonight than that. People excited about that are people stuck in a sexless marriage who still haven't discovered that there's free porn on the Internet.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Jamie Foxx to play Iron Mike?

Why they haven't already made a big-screen production about Mike Tyson seems strange, but while details of an upcoming film are fuzzy, Tyson is certain who he wants to portray him.
If Mike Tyson has his way, he'll get Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx to tackle his life story in an upcoming cinematic version of his life. The boxer has been talking to the press about this plan for more than a year now, and he told MTV News that it's still very close to happening.

"It's gonna be [about me]," he told MTV News about the planned collaboration. "It's gonna be Jamie Foxx portraying me in a life story."
Mike Tyson wouldn't do too bad on the big-screen himself -- it's Mike friggin' Tyson! The guy is pure drama! With MTV maybe attached to this project, though, it's gonna somehow come out like Jackass.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Brad Pitt in no way resembles Billy Beane; nobody apparently resembles Rick Peterson except for Rick Peterson


Old news (not to us. To us it's new news, which we think is commonly referred to as "news"): they're making a "Moneyball" movie. Brad Pitt's inked to play the role of Billy Beane, while Steve Soderbergh of "Traffic" fame will direct. How they will turn this ground-breaking book into a film that's supposed to make money will be quite the challenge for the screenwriters.

Elsewhere, Rick Peterson will play himself in the film.
Rick Peterson, the former A's and Mets pitching coach, will play himself in Steve Soderbergh's movie version of "Moneyball." Soderbergh, who has directed "Sex, Lies and Videotape," "Erin Brockovich," "Traffic," and the "Ocean's Eleven" films, will cast Brad Pitt in the role of Billy Beane.

"Originally I was asked to be a technical adviser," said Peterson, "and after speaking with Mr. Soderbergh, he asked me if I'd play myself in the movie. I said, 'Sure, I'd love to.' I've spent a lot of time talking to him about pitching and what we said in pitching meetings during that time, etc., and he was very interested in that aspect of it. It's very exciting for all of us."
Joe Pesci with a mullet? Could work...

[Boston.com via Ben Maller]

Monday, April 20, 2009

4:20. HEY!!!!

Today is practically a national holiday for skaters, UC Santa Cruz students and Grateful Dead fans.

It's 4:20, which we've always thought was Earth Day, but has instead turned into a celebration of weed, getting high and finding that, "dope-ass spot" to light up.

Word has it that 4:20 actually originated in San Rafael, Calif., which is actually quite near us. Some high-schoolers used to toke up at 4:20 p.m. and then on April 20, they found sheer delight in the coincidence of smoking at 4:20 on 4/20, that there now is a day dedicated to being unproductive and killing brain cells. (Sounds like a typical Monday to us).

But 4:20 isn't just for the counter-culture. Today will be a big day for certain athletes, too.

Ricky Williams, who violated the NFL's substance-abuse policy four times, also fooled around with medicinal marijuana, which is much like regular marijuana except you need to make up an ailment to get it.

Michael Phelps was recently in the news for taking a bong rip, which subsequently cost him many of his endorsement deals.

Nate Newton, who anchored the Cowboys' offensive line in the mid-90s, was busted for carting 213 pounds of marijuana in November 2001. An average NFL player, meanwhile, weighs about 245 pounds.

Santonio Holmes, known best for his game-winning catch in Super Bowl XLIII and for taking naughty pictures of himself, was pulled over by police in October, 2008. The police found three "marijuana cigars," which is cop for "blunt," and he was given a slap on the wrist (and was out three blunts).

Then there's Mavericks guard/forward Josh Howard who, this time last year, went on Michael Irvin's ESPN radio show in Dallas and said that he likes to smoke weed in the offseason because it's his, "personal choice and personal opinion." He also said that it's no secret that other NBA players smoke pot. We could only imagine Irvin's face when hearing this. The former Cowboys star was busted for pot in 2005 and of course had run-ins with cocaine, which fortunately there is no day for.

Plenty of other athletes have and do smoke weed, too, and may be celebrating today. Maybe right now! Maybe they'd smoke you out, bro. Be careful out there, today, kiddos. Don't do anything stupid...like crack.

The post where I jinx the Giants pitchers

All the hype about San Francisco's starting pitching was accurate this weekend against Arizona.

Three Giants starters (Sanchez, Lincecum and Johnson) combined for 21.2 innings, 0 runs, 0 ER, 6 walks and 24 strikeouts. Because the Giants' hitting was also as bad as advertised, San Francisco was only able to take two out of three from the struggling D-Backs.

Each game in the series was 2-0, meaning there was a total of six runs in the series, less than half of what the Indians scored in the second inning Saturday.

Still, probably a good sign for the Giants, who throw Matt Cain -- the team's best starter thus far -- Tuesday against San Diego. Of course, though, the hitting is beyond awful and will force the starters to throw shutouts every game to win, even though a 0-0 tie is seeming increasingly possible with this team.

Morning Headlines: Orlando vs. Philadelphia


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Magic-Sixers box score].

-Sixers jump out to early lead, never look back

-Van Gundy: 'We started slow'

-Philly overcomes absence of Rush, captures Game 1

Your NBA best in the comments.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Morning Headlines: Madden Retires


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Madden retires].

-Former ABC broadcaster steps down

-Madden: 'The travel was killing me'

-Pat Summerall partner to call it quits

-Al Davis: 'We'll take a good, hard look at him'

Your best Maddenisms in the comments.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Your obligatory 'The AL East is upside down' post


We know, we know, it's early -- OK, very early -- but take a look at the AL East standings. Completely ass-backwards, right?!

Baltimore has a winning record? The Blue Jays are more than one game above .500 and they aren't mathematically eliminated? The Orioles' Koji Uehara is 2-0? Dice-K has an ERA of 8,000 and is on the shelf? Adam Lind is a Triple Crown threat for Toronto? Nick Swisher is the Yankees most productive batter? Koji Uehara is 2-0?! WHO THE FUCK is Koji Uehara?!

Up is down and down is up. Bad is good and good is bad. We must be in Make Believe Land. Our head is spinning.

Also: Seattle, Florida and San Diego are winning divisions.

Baltimore still loses 100, right?

Nice to see Mets fans supporting the new yard


Day 2 of gorgeous new Citi Field: a mere 35,000+ fans, only 62% full. Hey, the economy's down, seats are expensive and the Padres are the Padres.

Nevertheless, the Indians sold out Jacobs field 455 consecutive days between 1995 and 2001 and the Red Sox surpassed that streak late last season.

We were part of the many sellouts in the first few years at Pac Bell park. Granted the Giants were good between 2000 and 2004, yet a new ballpark can really do wonders for attendance numbers.

Meanwhile, the Mets are probably the favorites in the National League, have a brand new park and there are like 50 million fucking people living in New York. Sell out your second game, dammit!

Ducks go duck-hunting. IRONY!


It's the offseason, they're coming off an 8-23 season and, jeez, freshmen will be freshmen. It's just how things go for the Oregon Ducks.

But when three Oregon freshmen basketball players decided that a fun activity might be to go hunting...for fucking Ducks, one can only help but chuckle.
Oregon put out this release, short on specifics, on Tuesday regarding Ernie Kent’s punishment for the Ducks who shot at ducks in Alton Baker Park. We’re pursuing more details, but this is it for now. Meanwhile, the three are due in Eugene Municipal Court on Friday.
This would still probably be funny if these guys were on, say, Oregon State, instead of Oregon. Kids shooting at Ducks is inherently funny, yet bad. Tsk, tsk. But Ducks shooting ducks. Fantastic.

This must've been fun for broadcasters

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Maryland got in on reputation while Mississippi State got snubbed


Who said college basketball season's over? With the NBA Playoffs rapidly approaching, we thought there was no better time to talk about college basketball and ignore the worst professional sport there is.

Joe Lunardi is starting early this year, projecting his field of 64 for NEXT YEAR! Kansas returns everyone and is probably looking at the top overall seed. Michigan State is gonna be right back in the mix, while Duke is the team to beat in the ACC with Singler, Scheyer and Smith back. Lunardi also has Syracuse on the No. 1 line, but with Jonny Flynn gone, we can't imagine the Orange to be a top-four team entering the Dance.

Others to keep an eye on: Purdue brings back Robbie Hummel, JuJuan Johnson and E'Twaun Moore, Scottie Reynolds will lead 'Nova again and Tyler Smith and Wayne Chism are still, somehow, in college (at Tennessee).

The Pac-10 and SEC appear to be down again in '10; Lunardi puts in only five teams from each league. Big East (surprise) leads the way with eight.

Last four in: South Carolina, Miami, Tulsa, Maryland.

First four out: Boston College, Mississippi State, Creighton, Wisconsin.

Watch out for Missouri as a No. 4 in the South. Northern Iowa (13) pulls off the big first-round upset over Butler (4).

So what that it's only mid-April. The Madness is only...11 months away. Fuck.

Kendra Wilkinson might pose naked again...if Hank Baskett is behind the camera


Kendra Wilkinson, who is known for some TV show on E! and being as smart as a can opener, might pose naked again which would probably be a good thing if you like blonde hair, fake cans and, well, blonde hair and fake cans. (Not that we would be so superficial).
One other thing on her mind: fiancé Hank Baskett. While she's planning their wedding, the former Playboy model says she'd love to collaborate with him professionally – as a photography subject.

"When we were doing a photo shoot to promote [upcoming reality show] Kendra, he went behind the camera for a couple and was taking pictures," she says. "Those were the best pictures I took because I was so comfortable."

As for revisiting her past, she now says, "I'd be very scared to [pose for] Playboy again. You know, now knowing I'm getting married. But the only way I would do it is definitely with him."
It's only a matter of weeks before the sex tape "accidentally" gets out, right?

[Ben Maller]
[People]
[NSFW pics of Wilkinson for those who like blonde hair and fake cans]

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A-Rod has a new girl who is a real housewife and she's from New York. And she's real, man.

A-Rod's been busy while rehabbing his bum hip. We ran an item last month about him buying the women in his life some expensive lingerie. We thought that woman was maybe Madonna or a stripper or Johnny Damon, but news has surfaced that this lady friend might be of reality-TV fame, which seems like an oxymoron.
When it comes to dating housewives, A-Rod likes to keep it "Real."

The Yankees slugger has been stepping out this weekend in Miami with Bethenny Frankel, one of the reality stars of "The Real Housewives of New York City."

Alex Rodriguez and the sexy chef shared an intimate dinner on Friday night at a local restaurant, a spy tells the Daily News.

Even though it ended fairly early -- he has to watch that hip as he rehabs after surgery -- the evening appears to have gone well. Word is the third baseman was due to make reservations for another dinner with Frankel Saturday night.
Frankel's hot and all and could probably make an awesome grilled cheese sandwich following coitus, but we think that she falls into the, "A-Rod will bang anything short of a tree" category.

Nevertheless, here's a Frankel gallery for your Tuesday pre-work masturbation needs.

[NY Daily News via Ben Maller]

Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second...Martina Navratilova is a lesbian?!

Former tennis great Martina Navratilova is a lesbian. This would be awesomer news if her name was Anna Kournikova or Maria Sharapova. It's not. We're going to show a picture of Sharapova instead because if we showed Navratilova, you wouldn't like lesbians as much as you currently do. Don't say we never looked out for you.

Nonetheless, Navratilova is being threatened by her former partner if she doesn't pay up in the settlement. The NY Post with your messy legal lesbian mumbo-jumbo.
The longtime lesbian lover of Martina Navratilova is threatening to air the tennis great's dirty laundry if she doesn't get a settlement to her liking based on their eight years together.

"There are a lot of skeletons in Martina's closet. It is more like a storage facility full of them, and I know them all," said Toni Layton, who left her computer salesman hubby, Jeffrey Lambert, for the nine-time Wimbledon champ and claims she helped nurture and enrich her career during their time together.

Layton has tried to negotiate a settlement with the world's former No. 1 women's player for a year, only to have Navratilova's lawyers threaten "to publicly discredit Toni and humiliate her," Layton's flack, Gary Smith, said. "[But] Navratilova's team has another thing coming if they think we are going to just lie down and be steamrolled."
Show of hands: who knew Navratilova won Wimbledon nine times? And who can visualize Anna Kournikova, who's never won anything?

That's what we thought. And we call ourselves sports fans.

[Via Ben Maller]

Monday, April 13, 2009

Bunnies, coin-op laundry and Goodnight Moon


Easter is a strange holiday. I celebrated it for the first time yesterday (Jewish guy, dating half-Jewish girl who looks like an Irish Catholic but isn't Catholic but might be Irish.). Was really holding out for the pig with an apple in its mouth for supper but had to settle for the turkey. Yeah, and they called it supper; perhaps a reference to The Last Supper. Fucking weird.

I'm not really sure how bunnies and eggs got associated with this holiday. Bunnies don't lay eggs and you don't often have to hunt for dairy products. (But you do, if you're into that, have to hunt for bunnies).

And Easter is what should probably be the most religious of the Christian holidays, but kinda just gets this, "Let's all search for decorated eggs, eat a lot of food and talk about how we really like (or don't like) peeps."

Maybe a kid this Easter will find a bunny who will say that in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds, the world will end.

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A tradition like no other...masturbation.

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Speaking of the Master's, I can't watch it for more than three minutes at a time, but I do always root against Tiger. Somehow Tiger is always the most popular, the best, blah blah blah. If Tiger isn't the Yankees of golf, I don't know who is. As long as he doesn't win, it's been a successful weekend in Augusta.

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Speaking of Augusta, listening to Jim Nantz call a golf tournament is like getting sung a lullaby, while sipping on Sleepy Time tea that you just used to swallow an Ambien, after eating some turkey; he just puts you to sleep. And not necessarily in a bad way. I would pay that man to read me Goodnight Moon.

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Is this guy for fuckin' real?

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Somehow got in a conversation about those funny sexual acts that you'd never do to a girl. My favorite is probably the Houdini. Really fantastic stuff. Your favorite/funniest in the comments, please.

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I just jumped into The Wire on Netflix. It's very daunting to start a six-season show from the beginning, but I had heard just too many good things about it not to watch.

Through one episode, I'm not impressed. Perhaps it picks up? Wire viewers, help please.

And what the fuck? The show takes place in 2003, yes? Why the fuck are these cops using typewriters? Meanwhile, they're using a horse and buggy to track down drug-slinging cavemen.

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Lozo, who is sorta, kinda blogging again, mentioned how we all need to slow down after one week of the season. Just because a team is off to a hot or cold start is no reason to get excited or huffy as we're about 2/50 into the season. "Baseball is a sport designed to cripple your spirit in six months, not six days," he says. Unless you're a Nationals fan.

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(And to play the overreaction game, the Giants, after a sweep in San Diego, are officially done. Just five days after wrapping up the pennant, they might as well just forfeit the remaining 156 games.

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You know what fucking gets me? Coin-op laundry. That sucks every inch of my testicles. And not in a good way like you'd see in porn. More in a way that it's not easy having 20 quarters just lying around. Get in the game, laundry companies. It's called a CREDIT CARD. People who designed these machines also put typewriters in The Wire.

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Speaking of testicles, got a handjob from a doctor early last week. Again, not in good way like you'd see in porno. (Link very unsafe for work and very safe with lotion and a tissue).

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Is there a movie that is more televised on basic cable than Clear and Present Danger? If you know of one, please leave it in the comments.

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These bunnies are gonna be just how I like 'em: cream-filled! Zing!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

An interview with Shooter McGavin

Today is the beginning of the Masters, which is an excuse for rich white men to gather and wear golf shirts and khaki pants. A nine-iron is not a sexual term despite sounding remarkably like one.

The Big Picture:
Thanks for joining us, Shooter.
Shooter: Sure thing.

TBP: What's up with your name? Were your parents siblings?
Shooter: No.

TBP: You know that movie Shooter with Marky Mark and the black guy from Lethal Weapon?
Shooter: Yeah, it was entertaining.
TBP: Were you pretty pissed when you found out that movie had nothing to do with you?
Shooter: Not really.

TBP: What will it take for you to win the Green Jacket?
Shooter: I won't be playing this weekend. It's for the pros.
TBP: What's your point?
Shooter: I'm just an actor. My real name is Christopher McDonald. I played Shooter in the movie Happy Gilmore.
TBP: What?!

TBP: So do you expect to go head-to-head with Tiger this weekend?
Shooter: I won't be playing.
TBP: Does Happy stand a chance?
Shooter: Happy is just a character from the same movie.

TBP: That woman in Happy Gilmore is pretty hot.
Shooter: Julie's a lovely actress.
TBP: She was also in Weeds and nailed a high-school kid. Have you ever banged a high-school kid?
Shooter: No.
TBP: Will she be in Augusta?
Shooter: I don't think so.

TBP: You're a real actor?
Shooter: Yes.
TBP: That's too bad. You've been in some terrible movies. Did your work in The House Bunny make you want to hang yourself a little or a lot?
Shooter: I had a good time with that project.

TBP: Adam Sandler: Big into coke?
Shooter: No.

TBP: If you were going to pick an assortment of ice cream flavors to try to make sense of Tiger Woods' ethnicity, what would you choose?
Shooter: I don't know.

TBP: Phil Mickelson sure gets a lot of credit for being a career loser. Don't you think that goes against everything we're told as children?
Shooter: Not really.

TBP: Here are some random questions.
Shooter: All right.

TBP: Don't you think the saying, "Water under the bridge," is sort of silly?
Shooter: I guess.

TBP: Do you think swimmer's ear is actually real or just something swimmers make up to sound like there are swimming-related injuries besides drowning.
Shooter: I think it's real.

TBP: Worse: Comcast or Free Credit Report.com commercials?
Shooter: I don't watch much TV.

TBP: Would you make out with Steven Spielberg to get the lead in his latest film?
Shooter: No.
TBP: What if he had just eaten a York patty?
Shooter: Probably not.

TBP: Do you think it's bullshit that Cheez-Its and Goldfish are the same product or is it just clever marketing?
Shooter: I don't eat junk food.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Mr. McGavin. Good luck this weekend.
Shooter: OK.

Madoff's Mets tickets might go on eBay

Late in the game getting your 2009 season tickets? You just may be in luck.

Bernard Madoff's $80,000 New York Mets baseball season tickets may be sold -- sort of -- to the highest bidder on eBay.

The trustee liquidating Madoff's assets wants court permission to sell the tickets in an online auction and use the proceeds to help reimburse Madoff's defrauded customers.

But the buyer will not get Madoff's exact seats.

Madoff's tickets were for two seats in the second row behind home plate in the Delta Club Platinum section and had a face value of about $80,191, or $295 to $695 per single ticket.

Court-appointed trustee Irving Picard has worked out a deal with the Mets to exchange Madoff's seats for two less expensive ones a few sections over and a few rows back with a face value of $60,750.

So that's what you get when you financially screw a bunch of people: a single-game ticket between $300 and $700 and some friends in the shower.

[Yahoo! Tech]

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

They call it the Big Apple because it's big


I was in New York for a big family event over the weekend. Here are some of the highlights that don't involve hookers.

-My hotel was right in the middle of Times Square. Like right in the middle of it. I could walk out of the hotel and instantly see 100 people with cameras and buy a three-bite hot dog for $4. And they had those shitty tourist shops with the I ♥ New York shirts and postcards with the Statue of Liberty.

Right as I walk into the hotel, I see a bunch of kids in matching polos with instruments; clearly a marching band. FANTASTIC! I'll be serenaded by fucking saxophones and clarinets at 5 am.

But when I got closer, the polos read, "Baylor." Oh. The Baylor marching band. (Beat). OH! THE BAYLOR MARCHING BAND! Five minutes later down the elevators came the Bears hoops team who would lose to Penn St. in the NIT Final a few hours later. The Nittany Lions also walked right by. As I got in the elevator to go up to my room, out steps Baylor coach Scott Drew. I said, "Take the Memphis job." He said, "Thanks, fella."

-The next night I got hammered at a family event (they had Goose!) and then met up with a friend in the Village that disappointingly looks nothing like that Village from that movie cleverly titled, The Village. (I have been to Greenwich Village before. That was just a way to bring in a forced movie reference. New York is actually my bitch).

So I meet up my buddy in the Village and then we walked to the East Village, which, again cleverly, is east of the Village. (Geography is also my bitch.) We get to this cool dive bar that was playing early 90s grunge and was reasonably priced.

While catching up, I noticed some dude who looked all too familiar. I didn't say anything at first because I was wasted and I thought no way would I know anyone in New York aside from the buddy I was with.

But as we stayed there longer, this guy looked just too fucking familiar not to go up to. So I broke up his conversation with his table and asked him his name. Sure enough, it was A.J. from Deadspin. We flirted, exchanged phone numbers and hugged goodbye. It's now been three days. Still too soon to call?

-My last day in town, I went to the Bronx to see the new Yankee Stadium. It looked like the old Yankee stadium but bigger, more expensive and equally as architecturally boring.

-Another night I found myself wasted again after a family function (open bar! I had the tequila shots with a side of whisky and coke, rum and ginger ale and wine.). I was again in the Village and all I had to do was take a piss. I probably would have paid to take a piss I had to piss so fucking bad, yet I wouldn't pay cover at any of these bars to go inside just to take a piss. (So I guess I wouldn't have paid to take a piss).

As I'm walking down the street looking for a place without cover, this homeless looking guy comes up to me (dressed to the nines after said family event) and says, "coke." I smile, and keep walking.

I then go into a place without cover that turns out to be a comedy club -- very Seinfeld-esque. But I'm wasted and about to piss myself so I just dart for the bathroom. I somehow end up in the women's bathroom and piss in the stall with the door open. Again, I had drank an entire liquor store. Naturally, two cute Egyptian girls are standing in line waiting for me to finish my five-minute piss. When I was done, I realized I was in the wrong bathroom yet seized the moment to flirt with two cute girls. I asked how my ass looked. They said it looked good. The cuter of the girls said it was her birthday. I would have given her a two-foot birthday gift but I left the bar to go meet up with some cousins.

On the way back to one of the bars with a cover, the same homeless looking guy passes by me and says, "cocaine." Because I didn't get it the first time.

I told him I'd take two.

And that's what happens when a Californian goes to New York for three days.

And on pace for 162 wins...


...your 2009 San Francisco Giants! And they're on pace for 1,620 runs which we think might be some sort of record.

GREAT SUCCESS!!

Beats the last three Opening Days when the Giants scored a combined three runs. Last season, it took the Giants six games to score 10 runs. And they didn't score in double-digits until mid-May.

So, yeah, they might as well make those World Series rings now.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Knee-jerk Opening Day reactions

-Bad day for 2008 pitchers. C.C. got hit pretty good, Cliff Lee got rocked and Brandon Webb's ERA is 13.50. Meanwhile, Kevin Millwood is your Day 1 front-runner for the Cy Young along with Felix Hernandez and Joe Saunders.

-Adam Lind and Emilio Bonifacio are your respective MVPs. Lind is going to probably drive in 329 runs this year while Bonifacio will probably hit about .986.

-From Lozo's Twitter: Don Wakamatsu looks nothing like a guy whose name is Don Wakamatsu.

-The NL Central is the Pirates' to lose.

-If you had Yahoo! autodraft your fantasy team, you probably will have a solid year.

-The Padres might lose 120 games -- figuring Peavy stays healthy (and a Padre).

-Solid bullpen in St. Louis this year.

-We'll be at the Giants opener today, crossing our fingers for at least one extra-base hit.

[Image: NY Post]

Morning Headlines: National Championship


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[UNC-Michigan State box score].

-Heels pull away late to win title

-Lawson, solid from the field, helps Carolina win tournament

-Izzo: 'Free throw shooting killed us'

Your final college hoops headlines of the season in the comments.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Who you got?

Thanks to your favorite sports site for the graphic

The big game's tonight. Who you got? Jordan or Magic? Tobacco Road or Auto Row? Carolina Lily or Apple blossom? Wright Brothers or Henry Ford?

Zach and I both picked UNC to win it all in our brackets, but I'm ahead in points so far. Here's hoping for an exciting final, especially after such a lackluster tournament. I'll stick to my guns and pick UNC.

Your pick in the comments please...

I live 1.8 miles from Oakland and I've never heard of the A's starting pitchers

Hey folks, JMC here back for more. Zach's away getting his Jew on in the big apple (that means he went to a Bar Mitzvah) so here I am to welcome you to another week. That headline might be a bit of an exaggeration - while I do live about 1.8 miles from the Oakland city limit I live about 9.3 miles, as the crow flies, from the Oakland Coliseum. And I have heard of one of the A's starting pitchers.

Why haven't I heard of their starting staff? Some thoughts - I'm a Giants fan, I spend more time jerking off than reading about baseball, the A's are awful, or maybe it's just because they're essentially a brand new staff... Let's see the rundown:

-Dallas Braden: Braden's actually been on the team for a couple of years and was drafted by the A's. So it's a little bit of a mystery why I've never heard of him. I guess going 6-12 in 24 starts with a 5.44 ERA hasn't exactly made him a news-maker. The fact that the A's chose this guy to be the opening day starter doesn't bode well.

-Dana Eveland: Eveland's got to be considered the ace of the staff, and I say that because he's the one guy I've heard of. A key part in the Dan Haren trade, he was plugged into the rotation last year after coming over from the D'Backs. Last year he was essentially a slightly below average pitcher (ERA+ of 93). Also, he has a girl name.

-Brett Anderson: Also part of the Haren trade. He's never pitched above AA. Good luck buddy.

-Trevor Cahill: Another product of the A's system, and another guy who's never pitched above AA.

-Josh Outman: Well he's certainly got a good name for a pitcher, or a recently openly gay guy. He came to Oakland from Philly in the Joe Blanton trade and started 4 games for the A's last year. He's got some decent peripheral stats but he's given up too many hits to be effective.

So how did the A's get here? That's what I want to know. Last year they started the season with a rotation of Joe Blanton, Rich Harden, Justin Duchscherer, Dana Eveland, and Greg Smith. They also got early starts from Lenny Dinardo and Chad Gaudin. Sean Gallagher also got 11 starts. Blanton was traded to the Phillies, Harden and Gaudin to the Cubs. Duchscherer is starting the season on the DL after elbow surgery and will miss at least six weeks. Smith, another product of the Haren trade, was sent to Colorado in the Holliday deal. DiNardo is now with the Royals. Gallagher was supposed to make the rotation but lost his spot to Outman and is starting the season in the bullpen. And that's how the A's have a whole staff I've never heard of.

Despite the fact that the A's have an unheralded rotation they could turn out to be pretty good. Anderson and Cahill are highly regarded prospects and with Gallagher in the wings and the possibility of getting Duchscherer back, they might have quite a bit of pitching depth. Combine that with what should be a much improved offense and a weak division, and they could have a shot. But, you know, probably not.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

You can bet on Rollie Massimino's face-time

Hey, Villanova's in the Final Four. The last time the Wildcats were there was 1985 when they won the championship. The coach? Rollie Massimino. Guess what? He's still alive and still likes going to basketball games! Someone at CBS just got a little wet.

According to Bodog, there is a prop bet on how many times we'll see Massimino on CBS' telecast Saturday when 'Nova takes on North Carolina. The over/under on how many times he'll be shown has been set at 3.5.

Over. Duh. If it was FOX, though, the over/under would probably be set at 10. And somehow we'd see shots of the Ohio State marching band.

[Ben Maller]

Obama likes the NBA, favorites

Way to go out on a limb, Mr. President.
The Lakers and Cleveland Cavaliers will meet in the NBA Finals in June.

Says who?

President Barack Obama, that's who.

At the end of an interview with The New York Times on another subject Friday, a reporter asked the President for his picks for the NBA Finals. Obama selected the Lakers and Cavaliers, but did not pick a winner.

LA is 58-16, easily the best record in the West. The Lakers also have this player named Kobe Bryant who we think won a title. Cleveland is 61-13, the best team in the NBA by three games. They have this player named Anderson Varejao. He sucks.

Now about fixing that economy...

[LA Daily News via Ben Maller]

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

If Arizona isn't the strip-mall capital of the World, I don't know what is


Had the opportunity to head to Arizona for like the upteenth-straight year to catch meaningless baseball games that mean so much. Saw four ballgames, ate a ton of fast food and raised hell on just about every toilet I encountered.

Some highlights:

-I saw Randy Winn at dinner my first night in town. He was with a woman (his wife?) who was carrying a baby. Two thoughts:
  1. The woman was not very hot. (The chick pictured, I think.) I probably would have banged her because I was in one of those moods where a doorknob looked appealing, but she certainly wasn't hot. Decent body, but not much else.
  2. I have no idea who the child belonged to but it probably wasn't either one of them. The kid had these bright blue eyes and both Winn and his boo-boo had dark eyes, a dominant gene. Maybe they see kidnapping as an investment opportunity.
-My second night at dinner (same place and I ordered the exact same thing) I saw Arizona State basketball coach Herb Sendek. I said hello to him and, making a gesture towards his wife, told him he could probably do better.

-By the numbers:

1 caught foul ball
2 whole chickens eaten
7 other dishes/sandwiches I ate with chicken
2 burgers consumed
7 shits
0 successful shits
8 times I said, "Attaway Red Pop," who was fighting for a roster spot on the Mariners.
3 stadium visits (Surprise, Ariz., home to the Rangers and Royals, is very quaint.)
4 Hooters girls trying to sell, um, sex? That's what Hooters is, right?

-Was able to snag Josh Hamilton's autograph in exchange for his next crack fix.

-Here's all you need to know about the architecture of the Phoenix area: mega-complex movie theater, trendy restaurant A, trendy restaurant B, trendy restaurant C, spa/nail salon. These exist adjacent to every freeway exit.

-There are lots of hot women in this state. Like waaay hot. Girls I would do things to. The dead give away that they're not there for baseball is the stripper shoes, blonde highlights and fake cans.

-If you've ever doubted the existence of particular restaurants, come to the Phoenix metropolitan area. I saw a Sonic, Buffalo Wild Wings, Whataburger, In-N-Out and this place called McDonald's.

-If you get a chance, go check out the new Dodgers/White Sox park in Glendale. Very pretty, but in a National Park kind of way, not a baseball way. Based on the architecture -- very Frank Lloyd Wright esque -- you thought you might have been overlooking the Grand Canyon, not an exhibition baseball game.

Elsewhere in traveling news, I'll be in New York from Thursday to Monday. Don't worry, though. We'll have some WYD action on Friday -- another girl who might get a 100% yes vote!, JMC will be here on Monday and I'll be back Tuesday with cock jokes and bathroom anecdotes.

Proof Kid Rock has a fan

An email I received in response to the Kid Rock post from yesterday:
hi, I just came across your website and I find it disgusting. I hope its a joke thing but even as a joke thats disturbing. Your the most judgemental person I've ever come across and I've come across a lot. Its okay to have an opinion but not the way you have it, I'm sick of sooo many judgemental rude people that feel the need to bash on others just for their pleasure. People dont live for other people, they live for themselves. And its haters like you that spread rumors and start lies and say stupid stuff that just isnt true and stuff that you know nothing about. Everyone is different and does different things and has different lifestyles, people should be able to be themselves and live the way they want without people bashing them. And who cares how he looks or what he wears are you seriously that bored with your own life that you have to comment on things that dont even matter? You dont even know him and it should be whats on the inside that counts, but you just seem very shallow. Okay now I'm done with my rant and if you have any stupid mean thing to send back at me I really dont like negativity so I will just delete it without reading it so please dont bother. I dont mean to bash you or anything I just wanted to get my opinion out there on how I feel about your website because I dont know you or anything as a person. I just dont like such negative people, okay thats all have a nice day.
Whoa. Um, Kid Rock rules, isn't a hick and doesn't have herpes. There.