Thursday, February 26, 2009

An interview with Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods returned to the golf course Wednesday as he began the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona. He had been absent for eight months after having major knee surgery. His ethnicity remains a mystery.

The Big Picture:
Thanks for joining us, Mr. Tiger.
Woods: OK.

TBP: Does anyone ever call you Mr. Tiger?
Woods: Not really.

TBP: Do you think if you ever starred in a porno you'd call yourself Tiger Woody?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you go by Tiger because Eldrick is a fucking weird name?
Woods: No.

TBP: Modern-day medicine, while wonderful, can still be slow. Don't you think it would have been better if they fixed you like they did that guy who was in a liquid tank in Starship Troopers?
Woods: I never saw that movie.

TBP: Were you afraid they were going to botch the surgery?
Woods: Not really.
TBP: What if they did?
Woods: They didn't.

TBP: Did you go to a Jewish hospital?
Woods: Yes.

TBP: Your Wikipedia page says you are one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch. Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you know Hines Ward?
Woods: No.
TBP: Are you related?
Woods: No.

TBP: Prostitution is a huge industry in Thailand. Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: I was born in California.
TBP: Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: No.

TBP: I would have sex with your wife. Do you think she would have married you if you weren't rich and famous?
Woods: I'd like to think that even if...
TBP: Be honest.
Woods: I am.

TBP: Does Elin like anal?
Woods: That's' none of your business.
TBP: Do you ever role play and dress up as the Hamburglar while she dresses up as Grimace?
Woods: No.

TBP: Are you flattered that men masturbate to pictures of your wife like all the time?
Woods: A little.

TBP: You're a Buddhist. Were you an oppressive dictator in your previous life?
Woods: No.

TBP: On a scale of one to 10, how much do you want to kill Phil Mickelson?
Woods: I don't want to kill him.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Tiger. Good luck in your return.
Woods: All right.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

There's beauty in a public restroom

I love public bathrooms. Really. They're among my best friends. A public bathroom is like Bert to my butt's Ernie.

I'll shit in a bathroom in a

-movie theater
-airport
-school
-library
-gym
-restaurant
-dentist office
-doctor office
-stadium
-mall
-supermarket
-theme park

Let's go back to the airport. I LOVE shitting in an airport john. Just about every time I fly, I make stew in the airport first. I'll even shit if I'm not flying, but rather picking someone up. I'll look for a reason to shit at an airport. I'll take a fucking laxative if I have to!

This embrace of public restrooms, of course, comes back to the fact that I have poophobia -- the fear of poop. And even more so, the fear of shitting while others (namely women) know that I'm doing that.

I still can't shit while my girlfriend (who doubles as a roommate) is home. Even if I just casually slip in the bathroom while she's watching America's Best Dance Crew or some other TV show that makes me want to hang myself with an extension cord, I'll have that fear that either she'll knock on the door or come in or ask what I'm doing.

Me: I'm, ugh, taking a shower.
Her: The water's not on.
Me: I'm combing my hair.
Her: For 25 minutes?
Me: Yes.
Her: Um, all right.
Me (in my head): NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE WHILE I PICK MELTED CHOCOLATE OUT OF MY COLON!

Because of this, I'll often hold in a shit until I'm out of the house. And that often means a public place. I've become so comfortable shitting in what many would consider the worst of conditions because I can do it anonymously. And, frankly, that's what we should all have while taking a dump: anonymity. I value that psychological comfort over physical comfort tenfold.

You, too, Married Man or Domestic Partner can find pleasure in the public restroom. It might be dirty, there might be someone else's fudge already in the toilet and you might catch herpes from the toilet seat. But, jeez, you'll be able to shit in peace. At the end of the day, that's all we can really ask for.

Omar Vizquel: Snake Hunter

Just when you thought you knew Omar Vizquel -- great fielder, lousy hitter, good clubhouse guy -- the San Francisco Chronicle finds out that he's practically the freakin' Croc Hunter. Except he's hunting snakes.
Omar Vizquel went to Venezuela this winter and caught an anaconda. If that is on your bucket list, pay attention.

"This thing is 11 or 12 feet long," Vizquel said. "You've got to find the tail and pull it out of the water and bring it to safe territory. It is dangerous in and out of the water, but you have to maneuver yourself to stay behind it. Once you're behind it, you grab it by the back of the neck.

"It's a fun thing."

And the Giants let this guy go?!

[SF Gate via Ben Maller]

Morning Headlines: Pitt vs. Providence


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: SSReporters (again!) with: Kansas rallies from early 11 point deficit to stun Oklahoma.

[Pitt-Providence box score].

-Strong second half helps Friars to upset

-Dixon: 'To lose to a key rival...this one stings'

-Fields' three assists not enough to overcome hostile crowd

Have at it in the comments.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mowwage...Mowwage is wot bwings us together

Hall of Famer Ernie Banks is perhaps the greatest Cub ever and has arguably the best baseball quote in history.

Now he's on his way to getting certified to wed people -- the true Cubbie way.
Legendary Cubbie Ernie Banks was being very foxy loxy while huddling at Harry Caray's eatery last week with former White Sox slugger Ron Kittle, who has a license to marry people.

The kicker: Banks wanted to know how to get certified -- so he could perform wedding ceremonies at Wrigley Field!

This came from Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed who isn't a male sportswriter but rather an aging female columnist who looks like Gary Busey.

This post's headline? The Princess Bride, of course.



[Source: Ben Maller]

Morning Headlines: Kansas vs. Oklahoma

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: JMC with these two gems from Pitt's win over UConn last week:

-Calhoun pleased with "moral victory" against Pitt

-Bearcats just 4.5 games back in Big East after UConn loss.

[Kansas-Oklahoma box score].

-Ryan Wright logs 23 minutes in rare start for Sooners

-Self: 'We were impressed with their inside game'

-OU's Cade Davis misses two crucial free throws in conference loss

-KU jumps out early and never looks back

Your Big 12 headlines in the comments, please.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Oscars, babies and children being covered in shit

2008 didn't strike me as a good year for movies. Last year we had badass movies such as No Country and There Will be Blood in the Oscars. This year we have the likes of The Reader and Revolutionary Road. I haven't seen either of these because they were made for women and blind people. (Kate Winslet stars in both. This is not a coincidence).

If The Reader doesn't look the most boring movie ever made I don't know what is. The premise is about a teenager who someone gets involved with an older woman who may or may not be a lesbian and they have boring conversations for 124 minutes.

I decided that if it won Best Picture I'd boycott cinema for eight hours and then dedicate the next People I Want to Kill post to Kate Winslet who may or may not be a lesbian or a man.

Looks like you're safe for now, Kate. (Did like her Best Actress acceptance speech, though, for The Most Boring Movie Ever Made.

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Hugh Jackman was faking that accent.

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Steve Martin is a funny guy. Always has been. Perhaps he should have hosted. More of him, please.

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Tilda Swinton looks like a cyborg.

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Last movie topic: that hilarious fake movie poster is from College Humor which has a few more of those here. HILARIOUS!!! Go look at them. Right now. Very funny. Photoshop + humor = wonderful.

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I was away this weekend staffing a youth-group kind of thing. One of the other staffers -- slightly older than me -- was there with her family which included a four-year-old girl and a toddler.

This pretty much sums up our conversations:

Her: HEY LOOK AT MY KIDS. CAN YOU SEE THEM? AREN'T THEY CUTE? HEY LOOK AT MY KIDS.
Me: Ok.
Her: HEY LOOK AT MY KIDS. CAN YOU SEE THEM? AREN'T THEY CUTE? HEY LOOK AT MY KIDS.

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Same retreat, this 14-year-old tells me a fantastic pick-up line:

Guy and girl are having conversation. Conversation dies down. Guy looks down towards his crotch.

Guy: Well, it ain't gonna suck itself.

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Ralph Fiennes and Liam Niesson are the same person. (That's the last movie thing).

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Sports. Not much this weekend. Combine action, college hoops heating up, the NBA had many games as boring as The Reader.

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What happened to the Missouri Valley? Used to be the top of the mid-majors, now it could be a one-bid league for the second-straight season.

Meanwhile it looks like Davidson must get the auto-bid from the Southern Conference to have a chance to make it back to the dance. 1-4 against the RPI top-50 ain't gonna cut it.

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That was pretty funny when that kid jumped in the shit in Slumdog. Speaking of shit, be on the lookout this week...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Big Ten basketball is less interesting than looking at the big toe on my left foot

Penn State played Illinois last night. Big game. Bubble implications for State, conference title hopes on the line for the Illini. The Nittany Lions won 38-33.

38-33. Say it together, everyone: Thirty eight to thirty three.

The Nittany Lions won a game by scoring 38 points. That taste in the back of your throat? Probably a squirt of puke.

Brief recap of this game: Penn State jumped out to a big halftime lead, 17-15. But Illinois, behind Chester Frazier and Trent Meacham's seven points, took a commanding 31-24 lead with 6:17 left. In normal basketball terms, that'd translate to like a 46 point advantage. You're up by seven with six minutes, Illinois. Clear the bench!

But Taylor Battle, ugh, battled Penn State to victory by fueling a 14-2 run that probably spanned 17 minutes. Battle led all scorers with 11 points and should earn Big-10 Player of the Week consideration after his masterful performance.

Other tidbits:

-Illinois did not attempt a free throw
-Penn State erupted for 21 points in the second half
-Penn State shot 28% for the game. And won.
-The caption of that photo would tell you that Penn State's Andrew Jones is fighting for a rebound. Could be. But he most likely just missed a shot, got the rebound, and then missed the put-back.
-The teams combined for 38+33 points. That's 71. Washington scored 103 in a win over Oregon last Saturday. The Ducks scored 59 in the second half of that game.
-Forward Andrew Ott logged 12 minutes

Thanks, Penn State and Illinois, for making us realize the significance of the big toe on our left foot. 38-33. That's disgusting.

An interview with Ken Griffey Jr.

Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to Seattle, the place where his Hall-of-Fame career began. Initial reports had him going to Atlanta, where he'd be closer to his family and the playoffs. Fans are nostalgic. It still rains in Seattle.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Ken.
Griffey: Sure.

TBP: So you're back in Seattle. Are you aware that it rains there 366 days a year?
Griffey: That's not possible.

TBP: I once tried to trade a Steve Sax Donruss card for your Upper Deck rookie card. Do you find that insulting?
Griffey: Not really.

TBP: Fans are thrilled that you're coming back to Seattle. Do you think they'll be over the excitement when the Mariners lose 100 games?
Griffey: Maybe.

TBP: You once called Jay Buhner a Confederate-flag-flying hick. Why did you do that?
Griffey: I never did that.

TBP: Don Wakamatsu is the new Mariners coach. Can you fucking believe that?
Griffey: I'm not sure.

TBP: Did Harold Reynolds ever give you an innocuous hug?
Griffey: No.
TBP: Did he stare at you in the shower?
Griffey: No.

TBP: Starbucks just had a massive round of layoffs. Do you think it's because the Cinnamon Dolce Frappuccino is a gay drink?
Griffey: No.

TBP: Your career has been a mess since you left Seattle. Maybe you shouldn't have fucking left.
Griffey: Are you going to ask a question?
TBP: No.

TBP: You played with Alex Rodriguez. Did you ever give him an injection in the ass?
Griffey: No.

TBP: The sun rarely shines in Seattle. Do you think you might get Seasonal Affect Disorder?
Griffey: That's not really a concern of mine.

TBP: Did you like Nirvana?
Griffey: Not really.

TBP: That's kind of messed up about Kurt Cobain.
Griffey: That was like 15 years ago.
TBP: Did you cry?
Griffey: No.

TBP: Do you think Ichiro likes sushi?
Griffey: I'm not sure.

TBP: Are you pretty pissed the Kingdome's gone?
Griffey: Kind of, I guess.

TBP: When the team loses 100 games, do you think you'll be a finger-pointer?
Griffey: No.

TBP: Thanks for taking the time.
Griffey: All right.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A-Rod talked to the media...


...and NOBODY FUCKING CARES!!!

So, instead, here's a picture of a hot chick.

You land one plane...

Fun tidbit out of Milwaukee. But first a quick tangent:

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land."

Ah yes, the good land.

Anyway, one of the pilots who miraculously landed that airplane in the Hudson is getting honored the best way baseball fans know how:
Jeff Skiles, the first officer of US Airways flight 1549 that made an emergency landing in the Hudson River on Jan. 15, will throw out the first pitch at Miller Park for the Milwaukee Brewers' home opener on Friday, April 10.

“Jeff Skiles is a great representative of the state of Wisconsin,” said Rick Schlesinger, the team's executive vice president for business operations. “We are honored to have Jeff throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.”

A Wisconsin native, Skiles has flown for US Airways for 23 years. Skiles, 49, graduated from the University of Wisconsin in 1984 and majored in geology and geophysics.

So that's what you do with a degree in Geology.

The Brewers getting Skiles to throw out the first pitch is a major splash. (Get it?! Get it?!) Not like the White Sox were able to get a big-name person on Opening Day.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

So, Pitt

We have some strange bias against Pitt. Not really sure why. Maybe Jamie Dixon looked at our cousin the wrong way. Or Levance Fields has something against Jews.

Nonetheless, we like Pitt. We'll often pull for them in that "We've been in the top five all season yet can play the underdog card" kind of way. But we just don't see them as a legit Final Four team.

Perhaps we should rethink that after the Panthers went into Hartford and took out top-ranked UConn.

Pitt has the inside presence (Dajaun Blair 22 and 23! Sam Young 25 points!), senior leadership in the backcourt (three-year starter Levance Fields) and tourney experience (seven-straight appearances) to be a major threat in March. Also, skeptics point at Pitt's frontcourt which isn't terribly tall (Blair is 6-7, Young 6-6 and Tyrell Biggs 6-8) yet neutralized 7-3 behemoth Hasheem Thabeet, who is lucky to still have a left arm.



We still don't think Pitt is a Final Four team. No real reason. Just a gut feeling. At 24-2 and no bad losses, Pitt is in great shape to lock up the No. 1 in the East and if the Panthers can win the Big East tourney, perhaps the top overall seed.

Still. It's gonna be Carolina in the end, right?

Michael Strahan to star in FOX sitcom?


Just when you thought the FOX programming schedule couldn't get much worse ("Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" and "Secret Millionaire") it looks like the network will be turning to former Giants star Michael Strahan to get a laugh.

From the NY Daily News via Ben Maller:
Michael Strahan will be on the tube, too. We hear the 6-foot-5 ex-Giant is in negotiations to star in a Fox sitcom, having gotten a taste of the laugh track on “Chuck.”
We have a feeling it will be a cross between "Mama's Family" and "Charles in Charge." With a laugh track. Naturally.

Morning Headlines: Pitt vs. UConn

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: Spencer with this: Granger's two points not enough as West routs East.

[Pitt-UConn box score].

-Thabeet (5 points, 4 rebounds) effective in limited action

-Dyson: 'It was tough to watch from the sidelines'

-Blair's two assists help Pitt win conference game

Your Big East headlines in the comments, please.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Watching the NBA All-Star game is about as much fun as stubbing your toe

Or...
  • being on the toilet and realizing the toilet paper's low
  • eating organic produce
  • lifting heavy boxes
  • watching paint dry
  • ordering a chicken salad sandwich and getting served egg salad instead
  • attending art shows that don't serve wine
  • having pulsating car breaks
  • making spaghetti and realizing you don't have any pasta sauce
  • witnessing a hung jury
  • paying for something that costs $5.04 and getting 96 cents of change back because you didn't have four fucking pennies and the goddamn clerk wouldn't give you a bump.
  • untangling wires
  • wearing a shirt with an itchy tag
  • sitting through an entire episode of "King of the Hill"
  • trying to open a tightly-sealed jar when your hands are greasy
  • hearing grown men grunt in the gym
  • sitting in a chair that has one leg that's shorter than the others
  • movies with subtitles
  • Seeing a woman getting beaten and raped and not doing anything when she's crying out for help because you don't want to give up your spot in line to see "The Reader"
  • being forced to make a sandwich with the end piece of the loaf
  • paper jams in the printer you told the boss needed to be replaced but he wouldn't because "we have to tighten our belt a bit"
  • paper cuts
Add your own in the comments, you scoundrels.

We don't know what the fuck the JabbaWockeeZ are, but they certainly have nothing to do with basketball, sports or anything else we care about


If you saw yesterday's NBA All-Star game, you saw a group of mimes called the JabbaWockeeZ do some dancing 'n' stuff as the players were introduced. The players looked awkward and uncomfortable. And then there was Shaq who danced with the wookies or whatever they call themselves. He also looked awkward but he was dancing. So there's that.

We don't mean to ride this contemporary dance troop; they have a skill, we suppose. But they epitomized the bigger issue we had with all of this weekend's festivities and the league itself: basketball wasn't the focal point, entertainment was.

On Saturday, the Dunk Contest featured more costumes than slams. Had Nate the Great and Dwight Howard concentrated less on their Superman-themed production and more on their game, the event would have been way more entertaining than it was. Yesterday's game was less entertaining than the Pro Bowl, which is saying something.

Of course, none of this was terribly surprising. The NBA is a show and All-Star weekend only punctuates that, Superman, JabbawockeeZ and all.

Morning Headlines: NBA All-Star game

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Thursday's winner: JMC with: Five points from Lance Thomas not enough for Duke.

[All-Star game box score].

-Roy leads all players with 31 minutes played

-Johnson's five turnovers cost East down the stretch

-West builds on five-point halftime lead with productive third period

Talk meaningless hoops in the comments.

Funny. Not sports. But funny.



The Big Picture Dad with a great find.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

An interview with Brett Favre


Brett Favre officially retired Wednesday. Officially. This is the 27th official time he has officially retired. He might actually retire this time. Or he might not. But he could. Though he might not. Officially.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Brett.
Favre: OK.

TBP: So you're going to retire. Is this because you cost your team a shot at the playoffs?
Favre: No.

TBP: Some have suggested that you were a clubhouse cancer. Did you ever make a racial slur at Thomas Jones?
Favre: No.

TBP: You used to have a drinking problem.
Favre: Yes, that was a dark time for me.
TBP: You were a much better quarterback then. Do you ever drink before a game now?
Favre: No.
TBP: Don't you think you should?
Favre: No.

TBP: You were also addicted to painkillers. Ever try crack?
Favre: No.

TBP: Your wife is pretty hot. Why does she wear pink all the time?
Favre: That's an incredibly insensitive question.

TBP: Remember that time you let Michael Strahan sack you?
Favre: (Laughing). He really got me good.
TBP: That was bullshit man.

TBP: You've dealt with much tragedy in your life. But we heard that you laughed when Ahman Green's cat died. Don't you think that's hypocritical?
Favre: I never did that.

TBP: Media members have said that you didn't like Mike McCarthy because he was fat. Is that true?
Favre: I don't think anybody said that.
TBP: Is it because he has a gay cousin?
Favre: No.

TBP: You played with Reggie White. Did you ever look at him in the shower?
Favre: No.

TBP: Did you stare at Gilbert Brown's fat?
Favre: No.

TBP: Green Bay is a lot different than Mississippi. Did living in Wisconsin fuel your alcohol addiction?
Favre: A little bit, yes.

TBP: Some scary, sad stuff with Roberto Alomar. Do you think Mark Chmura ever did the same thing?
Favre: No.

TBP: Has Chmura ever come on to one of your daughters?
Favre: No.
TBP: Deanna?
Favre: Once.

TBP: After you retire, are you going to play in the NFL again?
Favre: Maybe.

L.T. -- no, the one with the drug problem -- to be on Dancing with the Stars

ABC's Dancing with the Stars has announced its eighth-season lineup and it includes two athletes: Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor and a gymnast named Shawn Johnson who you might have heard of if you're a woman or are gay.

They'll join a bunch of people you won't care about and also Denise Richards.

Did you see Wild Things? Denise Richards gets naked it in. Like naked naked. And she tongues Neve Campbell. And Matt Dillon is there, too. Not sure how he really fits in. He's a freakin' guidance counselor. What kind of guidance counselor scores a three way with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell? Usually the only "threesome" a guidance counselor knows is a bottle of whiskey and a 9mm. Anyway, Denise Richards was smoking hot in that movie. Her tits are like perfect. Here's a screengrab (NSFW). See, great tits. She was then married to Charlie Sheen who might have beat her. Maybe it was cheat on her. Might've been both, actually. But he definitely porked her. Two and a Half Men isn't a very good show.

But it's better than Dancing with the Stars. Lawrence Taylor's gonna be on Dancing with the Stars. There's a cocaine joke in there somewhere.

Former Central Michigan women's basketball player sues coach for not being a lesbian


There are stories in the sports world that make you pause, scratch your head, maybe your balls too and say, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

This one might go beyond all of those. This story out of Mount Pleasant, Mich. is fun for all ages, all ethnicities and all sexualities. OK, maybe not all sexualities.
Central Michigan and its women's basketball coach are being sued by a former player, who claims her heterosexuality was a factor in losing a scholarship after two seasons.

Brooke Heike said she fell out of favor with Sue Guevara immediately after the coach was hired in 2007.

Heike said Guevara told her she wore too much makeup and was not the coach's "type." That meant she wasn't a lesbian, according to a lawsuit filed last week in federal court in Bay City.
We remind you that this is women's hoops, not rugby or field hockey. Straight people need their rights, too, dammit!

Oh. Right. This seems backwards.

Morning Headlines: Duke vs. UNC


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: ALS with: 2008 debacle behind them, Yankees, A-Rod gear up for Spring Training.

[Duke-Carolina box score].

-Heels squander big first-half lead, hang on

-Williams: 'Yeah, the crowd was a factor'

-Bench pivotal in UNC victory

Your rivalry headlines in the comments.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The SI Swimsuit Issue: not really very good at all unless you like stuff that isn't very good at all


All this talk about the release of the 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue is sorta pissing me off. I love Sports Illustrated. Have saved nearly every cover over the last five years. Good writers, good stories, good pictures.

Yet the Swimsuit Issue is bullshit, for three main reasons:

1. The bikinis aren't revealing
2. The women are waaaaay overrated
3. The women are waaaaay overrated

Don't get me wrong -- I would do Bar Rafaeli. I might even be excited about it. But much like why I'm not that into Gisele, most "super" models are super skinny, super flat and super natural (but not in an E.T. kinda way but in a my-tits-aren't-really-big-or-well-shaped kind of way).

Many unknown bikini and "web" models are a million times more bangable than any girl in SI's magazine. Check out this site (skimpy bikinis -- OK for work if you work ONLY at a strip club, porn shop or elementary school) and you'll find a gallery full of babes you'd rather masturbate to.

Love the Swimsuit Issue because it's a connection to sports? You know what else is a connection to sports? This little URL called Big Tits in Sports.(I won't link to it because if you're not blocked at work, you're screwed and if you are blocked at work, you'll get this message: "Blocked due to adult content: cock in ass.")

Danica Patrick in a bikini is fine. NBA cheerleaders are hot. Supermodels in body paint almost create a boner. But people are giddy about this issue. Instead, open Firefox and type in "bikini." Surely something sexier and more boner-popping than the SI Swimsuit Issue will pop up. (Get it?! Pop up!!!)

High-schooler makes routine shot



An Indianapolis JV player named Teddy Guzek hit a big shot in which was clearly an important game based on the record crowd. From the Indy Channel:
A three-point buzzer beater heaved from 80 feet out made the difference in a high school basketball game in Indianapolis this weekend.It was a close matchup between the junior varsity teams from Bishop Chatard High School and Broad Ripple High School at Broad Ripple Saturday night, 6News' Sports Director Dave Furst reported. Just before the half, Chatard's Teddy Guzek made a last-ditch shot from the other side of the court and made it. It ended up being a critical three pointer for the Trojans, who won the game 26 to 23.
Broad Ripple. In no way does that sound sexual, except that it does.

A way to simultaneously kill Little Miss Piggy, Babe and the Three Little Pigs while having a heart attack



Also very Kosher.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Red Sox movie to become official movie of the commonwealth?

There are bad decisions and horrible ones. This seems to fall somewhere in the middle.
Massachusetts Rep. William Brownsberger hasn't seen "Fever Pitch," but that hasn't stopped him from making a pitch to have the 2005 Red Sox flick starring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon named the official movie of the commonwealth.
All right, Bill. Can we call you Bill? Go see "Fever Pitch." If you then decide to make it an official anything, we'll be shocked.

Jimmy Fallon would be better off writing and Drew Barrymore used to ride the short bus. So to pair them in a romantic comedy around the Red Sox seems like a pretty solid idea. It's about as good of an idea as making a coming-of-age comedy about a peanut butter sandwich. (Jack Black would play the peanut butter, Dane Cook the jelly. Naturally).

[Boston Herald via Ben Maller].

Shocking: Slugger did steroids, Earth not flat

Only way to guarantee we won't read a sports story: mention "steroids" in the headline.

It's not a big mystery, it's not shocking and we DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

Good to know our pal Jimmy at Hot Clicks agrees. He wrote this regarding A-Rod (who we once saw in a restaurant lobby. We made bedroom eyes at his then wife, Cynthia. She took us to the bathroom and made that fantasy a reality. Not really. Again, if only our life were a porno...):
I couldn't care less about him -- or any other player -- failing a steroids test. None of the steroids stories surprise me, disappoint me or interest me. I want to watch and enjoy baseball. I don't want to play Sherlock Holmes to figure out who is/was clean or dirty.
Ditto.

Morning Headlines: A-Rod Admits Steroid Use


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on on a game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winners: You guys rocked the Pro Bowl headlines:

-SSReporters (again!) with this: NFC stuns AFC in a game lacking penalties.

-Ryan of The Victoria Times with: Collinsworth replaces Madden in the booth for Pro Bowl.

-HM of Hoops and Other Pop Culture goes: Late Carney field goal ices game.

[A-Rod interview].

-Former Mariner admits substance abuse

-Slugger could face suspension for off-field incident

These are hard! Do us proud in the comments.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Jamal Anderson probably had a lot of fun before he got busted. But shit, he was probably having a sniffing good time. A night of HIGHS and lows.

Jamal Anderson did some drugs. Authorities found out. He got thrown in the slammer. He might be Bubba's bitch. That's unclear at this time.

Remember the Dirty Bird? Chris Chandler led a team to the Super Bowl?! What the fuck.

Ducks fly(?) off the deep end. Again.


Oregon's at it again with its "what-the-fuck-are-they-thinking" uniforms.

The photo on the right is the Ducks' standard home jersey. The yellow is gross, but we've been there before. Notice the team name and then the number.

However, last Thursday in a loss to Arizona State, the Ducks got creative and decided to drop the team (or school) name and just have the number. So there's Joevan Catron. Joevan Catron is number 50. There ya go.

Morning Headlines: Pro Bowl

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Friday's winner: CT Buckeye with this gem: Lady Vols win, get new T-shirts.

[Pro Bowl box score].

-Third-down efficiency paces NFC in Pro Bowl win

-Sellers' critical seven-yard reception leads NFC to Pro Bowl victory

-AFC can't hold 7-0 first-quarter advantage; loses 30-21

Talk meaningless football, Hawaii in the comments.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Morning Headlines: Summitt wins 1,000th game

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: D.O. with this number: Kadkfhaoehfadskl: 'Martynas Pocius really filled the stat sheet tonight.'

[Summitt wins 1,000th].

-Tennessee explodes in key SEC victory

-Vols hold Georgia to 19 second-half points in rout

-Summitt: 'That was a true team victory'

Women's hoops. That's new. Have at it in the comments.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

People I Want to Kill: Paris Hilton

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

If there is one person on Earth that is dumber than a mentally retarded rock, it's Paris Hilton.

Really, Hilton acts like Barbie on meth. And she looks strung out, too. Paris Hilton is ugly as fuck. If you think otherwise, you're probably on some form of a hallucinogen. She's way too skinny, has a fucked up face and the body of a 12-year-old. On meth.

A police sketch of her might look like this:


Paris Hilton, much like pal Kim Kardashian, has the professional credentials of a piece of bubble gum. Yet, Daddy was rich and bought her fame. Now she struts around, swimming in money, and spending it all at fancy Beverly Hills boutiques while hopped up on uppers, downers and everything in between. Hilton claims she's a model, but unless she's modeling in one of those "Cigarettes will kill you and turn you into Paris Hilton" ads, she is horribly miscast.

Then there's The Simple Life. I have never seen The Simple Life. It's the show where Hilton and her friend Nicole Richie make believe that they aren't autistic. Ever seen The Ring? The Simple Life is kinda like The Ring. If you watch the show, you'll die in seven days.

On the bright side, Hilton is like an educational video. (And she's starred in one, too). When 9th-grade Health teachers are instructing about sexually transmitted diseases, they show pictures of Hilton.

Student: What's that on her lip?
Teacher: That's herpes, Tommy.
Student: Why is she holding her crotch so uncomfortably?
Teacher: Because she just urinated and it felt like she pissed fire.

Yeah, she's got everything imaginable. Like everything. She has STDs that haven't been discovered yet.

She claims that she's like the "it" blonde of this era, whatever the fuck that means. She idolizes Marilyn Monroe, Barbie and pet rocks, because, "They look so real," she says.

Go jump in a hole and try to dig out, you dumb bitch. Think about that one for a while.

Preferred method of death: Envy.

Morning Headlines: Duke vs. Clemson


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: SSReporters comes through again: Louisville unable to hold onto 21-20 lead, fall to UConn.

[Duke-Clemson box score].

-Tigers score five points below average in tense game with conference foe

-Duke's 12 of 19 free-throw shooting culprit in ACC defeat

-Krzyzewski: 'Our offense came alive in the second half'

-Clemson wins turnover battle, game

Freshen up on your ACC nonsense in the comments.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

As long as Pete Carroll is at USC, will the Trojans ever fall?


As the high-school class of '09 signs away their lives for the next four years (maybe three if you're lucky), the top talent seems to be heading to the same schools as always.

USC, as of late Tuesday, was No. 3 according to Rivals (behind LSU and Ohio State) and had more five-star recruits (5) than any other school.

The LA Times speculates that the Trojans are too good for their own good and may lose possible commits because the depth charts are too clogged. Good problem to have, if you ask us.

The better question though is: will USC ever fall?

With a dynamic coach, a world-renown city and a wealth of talent in its backyard, what's it gonna take for USC to come down a level?

The only thing we can think of -- aside from Carroll leaving which ain't gonna happen -- is a major violation that leads to probation. And with the Reggie Bush thing swept under the rug, that doesn't seem too likely.

Letters of Intent, fallen into the wrong hands


Happy National Signing Day, dick weasels! It's like Christmas morning, only with undeveloped, pimply-faced high school kids valued with stars instead of shiny new toys. We fucking love shiny shit.

We got our hands on some Letters of Intent and deleted the names for privacy purposes. Wouldn't want to, you know, get sued. Anyway, these are neat. College! Letters! Hooray!!!!

---------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Bowden,

I am pleased to announce my intent to attend Florida State University and to play football for your fine program. Unfortunately, sometime during my redshirt season, I plan to be arrested for doing drugs, getting in a fight, or sleeping with an underage girl in my dorm room. I'll also likely be put on academic probation, because, let me tell you, it's pretty hard to concentrate on your studies while your high, getting head from a high school senior and fighting with her boyfriend. At that point you'll probably have to kick me off the team. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you on campus!

Warm regards,

Top Recruit

---------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Paterno,

I do not intend to attend your university. Frankly, I'd like to play for a coach who I don't fear will die before I graduate. Good luck!

Best wishes,

Top Recruit

---------------------------------------

Dear Athletic Director,

I am pleased to announce my intent to attend your university and play for your football team. Unless of course you fire your coach, don't get funding for your new locker room complex, or if I don't start soon enough.

Fondly,

Top Recruit

---------------------------------------

Dear Coach,

I really enjoyed my recruiting visit, but the blow just wasn't pure enough for my taste, and one of the chicks you lined up for me refused to suck my dick after it had been in her friend's ass. What's up with that? Good luck getting top recruits with that attitude.

---------------------------------------

Dear Notre Dame,

Some university you have here! Lots of religious white people. I like that! And Charlie Weis is a nice man. I didn't get any other offers, so I'd like to give you my intent to join your team.

Psalms 19,

Top Recruit, #41

---------------------------------------

So there you have it. Pretty interesting stuff there. As for us, we would only have one thing to say if we were writing a letter of intent:
To whom it may concern,

We, the writers of The Big Picture, hereby declare our intent to not get caught.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

In El Salvador, James Harrison stepped out of bounds, Santonio Holmes dropped the ball and Kurt Warner never fumbled

For all people know in El Salvador, the Arizona Cardinals are Super Bowl XLIII champs. A nation rejoices! Central America LOVES the underdog!
Two sets of Super Bowl Champion gears were printed, but only one team could claim the champion title and wear the victory t-shirts and hats after Sunday’s game.

Through a partnership between World Vision and the National Football League, hundreds of poor children and families in the Central American nation of El Salvador will be the happy recipients of Reebok produced t-shirts, hats, and McArthur Towel & Sports produced trophy towels that wrongly hailed the Arizona Cardinals the Super Bowl champion.

This is one of our favorite Super-Bowl-related-but-has-nothing-to-do-with-actual-football stories that happens every year. It's great to help out the less fortunate, give children new clothes, happy feel-good peace charity harmony blah blah blah.

Yet in El Salvador, many people might truly believe that Arizona won the Super Bowl. It's probably a good thing then that they didn't make those "Bush Didn't Suck" t-shirts.

[The Christian Post]. (What the fuck is The Christian Post? It must be owned and operated by Brenda Warner).

Phelpsin' all night long

Obviously the Michael Phelps marijuana situation has been covered ad nauseum, but we discovered one angle that we wanted to share with you, our beloved readers. At the Super Bowl party we attended the other day, some friends of ours were discussing the possibility of doing a little smoking themselves at halftime (sorry Bruce). Being pretty hilarious guys, and having just looked at the famous picture, instead of the usual "bong rip at halftime?" they posed the question as "little Michael Phelpsin' at halftime?"

This got us thinking: what new term could we coin in honor of the greatest American Olympian of our time to refer to smoking weed? Some of our thoughts:

-Phelpsin'
-Doing the 100-meter free
-Hitting the 8 gold medals
-Getting Phelpsed out
-Putting on the Ganja Goggles
-Stretching the Speedo

Here's the other thing: This guy must have a pretty ridiculous lung capacity. He can probably take the hit to end all hits. As someone said on Sunday, he could take a huge rip, swim the length of the pool underwater, come up, and blow perfect rings.

So dear readers, what do you think should be the newest term to refer to getting high? Let's hear it in the comments.

Morning Headlines: UConn vs. Louisville

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: SSReporters with this: Leftwich gets long awaited Super Bowl ring in Steelers win.

[UConn-Louisville box score].

-Top-ranked teams on one-game winning streak after Huskies topple Cardinals

-Craig Austrie logs 21 minutes in win over Louisville

-Pitino: "We were looking ahead to St. John's"

Slang some Big East bullion in the comments.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Does second Super Bowl win put Big Ben among top 10 QBs of all time?

If rings are the true indicator of success, then yes, yes it does. With yesterday's Super Bowl win -- his second in four years -- Roethlisberger became one of only 10 quarterbacks to win two or more Super Bowls as a starter. Pretty remarkable since he's only 26.

Though unlike those others on the list -- all Hall of Fame-caliber QBs -- Big Ben seems more like a product of a good team than a good quarterback. His greatest strength may be that he doesn't lose games, not that he wins them. Insert any number of gunslingers into the Steelers' QB position and he too could have two championships. Roethlisberger certainly wasn't the reason Pittsburgh won the extra large Super Bowl over Seattle; his 22.6 passer rating is the worst ever for a victor. And while he was solid yesterday -- exceptional, even, during the last drive -- he wasn't the difference maker; take away Harrison's return (push him OUT OF BOUNDS!) and Arizona wins the game.

But Manning and Favre don't have two rings. Marino doesn't have any. And the guy he just beat has only one. So does Big Ben's second put him ahead of those guys on the all-time best list? Championship success vs. an extraordinary command of the game. Which matters more?

Your arguments, please.

Super Bowl coaches and their Hollywood look-a-likes





That was actually Mike Tomlin playing Dr. Eric Foreman in "House" and Ken Whisenhunt starring in "The Rock."

Also: Omar Epps and Ed Harris know stuff about football.

Morning Headlines: Super Bowl XLIII

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Super Bowl XLIII box score].

-Russell, Moore overshadow Parker in Pittsburgh's valiant ground attack

-Steelers commit seven penalties but win Super Bowl XLIII

-Whisenhunt: "Our special teams kept us in this game"

-Springsteen doesn't play "Born in the U.S.A." during halftime show, but Steelers prevail

Relive the Super Bowl's "Glory Days" in the comments.