Thursday, November 30, 2006

Nick Lachey likes wood

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we in the newspaper business call a misleading headline. But hey, this is a satirical site, so hell, while we're at it: Nick Lachey likes long sticks. See, satire is fun!

As it turns out (and this is where being truly observant pays offs), Nich Lachey of Jessica Simpson -- and absolutely no other -- fame, is wearing a Tacoma Rainiers jersey and has become a part owner of the team. The Rainiers, who are named after the mountain, we presume, opposed to the beer, are a Seattle Mariners affiliate.

So a guy who was married to a hot chick partially buys a AAA team. Puzzled? Yeah, that's the emotion we think we're feeling.

For starters, Lachey isn't from Tacoma, "the waterfront city 30 mile south of Seattle," as the SI article says.

(Being Seattleites, we're somewhat familiar with Tacoma. And we can think of a few euphemisms slightly more fitting than "waterfront city." Like: TacTown, the ghetto and the waterfront city drowning in the blood of gang violence. Tacoma, by the way, looks like this.)

Considering what you now know about TacTown, let's review:

Lachey likes baseball. OK. Lachey likes baseball enough to invest in a minor league team. Still OK. Lachey, a Reds fan, becomes 1/3 owner of a Mariners team. Less OK, but still tolerable. Lachey has no Washington state ties, but has performed at the Tacoma Dome. Weird, but OK. Lachey buys into team from TacTown.

About the only thing missing here is Matthew McConaughey's impending involvement.

By the way, Jenny from PR just bought some blow with her bonus from this big-time public relations move. Expect her new house to be in "the waterfront city 30 miles south of Seattle."

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Denny's chair had cooled off. Things were good. Times were calm. Green was happy.

The Cardinals coach had dropped all the way down to the Jester Level last week and seemed to be heading in the right direction.

But after losing 31-26 to Minnesota, Green's ass is nice and spicy again. We'll knock him back up to the Queen Level after losing in a stadium where he once coached pretty well.

He's like Queen Elizabeth II. She's still in power, having reigned over England for over 50 years. Green's tenure is not even close to that, but both have something in common: people want them out. Elizabeth needs to hand over the crown and Green may just want to hand over the whistle. If he has one. He may not.

A balanced offense may have helped Green win games with the Vikings, but not so much with the Cards. Arizona had 5 rushes for 17 yards Sunday, while Matt Leinart threw 51 times and likely planted his seed in some Scandinavian broad.

It's just a matter of time now before Green is out. But if the 2-9 squad can get another win or two, maybe Green, for the sake of football fans and hecklers everywhere, will last through the season.

In other news: North Carolina beat Ohio State 98-89 Wednesday but may get a rematch on Jan. 8 in Glendale, Ariz.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hide the men and children; the women are on the attack

Nothing says youth sports these days like brawls, riots or fire arms.

Youth hockey fans in Rome, New York (hmm, misleading name for a city, no?) got a bit out of hand Tuesday. During the game between 13- and 14-year-olds (13 and 14!), a brawl broke out in the stands resulting in an injured man and the arrests of two women.

A guy named Raymond Pink, who undoubtedly has (or had) a career in the Adult Film Industry, got his skull fractured. And two women, Christin J. Wilbur, 34, and Diann M. Williams, 40, were arrested.

Ok. Stay with us for a second. This gal, Christin (minus 2 for the fucked up spelling), is 34 and she's at a game of 13- and 14-year-old hockey players. Either she's an older sister, a very young mother (she would've given birth at age 20 or 21), a woman who's down with statutory rape, or she's an outsider. (Dun dun dun... -- that's how you write scary music, by the way.)

Wilbur, who's from Ohio, started this mess in a small New York town? Seems like a ways to go to watch some little kids skate.

Our theory? We're convinced Wilbur is an Ohio State alum and got pissed she couldn't flip a car or ignite a couch in Columbus, so she came to New York to start a brawl. Zero holes in that logic. None.

There apparently was a fight on the ice before the brawl in the stands, so the kids aren't out of the woods. The article mentioned the team names and we were hugely disappointed to find out that the teams weren't the Mighty Ducks and their archrival Hawks. We hate the Hawks! Bunch of savages.

(Big ups to reader Kickers_Suck for the tip).

In other news: Michael Vick was fined $10k for flipping the bird and will donate another $10k to a herpes charity of his choice.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Whoa Nellie!

And just when football fans in the Bay Area are rethinking if jigsaw puzzles would be a better hobby than watching sports, the pro basketball team is turning heads.

The Golden State Warriors, an NBA team (if you only follow the NBA during the playoffs, you may not know that), are starting to put the ball in the basket more frequently than their opponent.

After a big win Monday, beating the San Antonio Spurs (you know of them, playoff watchers) 111-102, the Warriors are 9-6 and have won two consecutive games at the hands of two pretty good teams, Utah and the aforementioned Spurs.

There is lots of praise to go around. Monta Ellis (look him up) is playing well, Jason Richardson is always a spark, but we'll discuss former lottery pick Mike Dunleavy.

The stats don't really tell the story, but while his playing time is down a bit, his steals and field goal percentage are up. He's not scoring 25 points per game, but he's doing the little things and has the timing that is helping the Warriors beat good teams.

But when Dunleavy was in college, he was a clean-cut white boy who'd had every advantage in the world. Well, he still has every advantage a kid can ask for. But have you seen him lately? The guy got mugged by the ugly stick. Hey, they say Oakland can be a rough area.

As you can see from the above photo, Dunleavy has grown his hair out a bit. He likes wine too, it seems. He also looks a bit satanic and, so it goes, isn't very friendly to reporters. He looks mean, he looks ugly, he looks beaten. But with his increased ugliness, he also has had an increase in skill.

Let the graph explain.

Perhaps there's a general correlation in basketball as a whole. Just look what Adam Morrison did at Gonzaga last year, when he grew his hair out and looked like a cross between a Beatle and a Spanish pornstar.

Dunleavy, who was quite sheek in college, has had a turn for the worse in his physical appearance. But his skill has improved. And the Golden State Warriors are winning basketball games.

It's a good time to be an Ohio State fan. If you like sports.

We all know about the football team. The Buckeyes are undefeated, will play in the BCS Championship Game on Jan. 8, and they just beat their huge rival, Michigan. Oh, and Troy Smith would have to miss a flight to New York not to win the Heisman.

While the football team is the unanimous top football team in the land, the basketball team is right up there too.

The men's basketball team, with super-frosh Greg Oden still sidelined by injury, is the top-ranked team in the USA Today/ESPN poll. The Ohio State University is No. 3 in the AP poll.

Sure, there's a lot of discussion who should be one, but for now, the Buckeyes are your top team in a certain poll.

Just imagine being a Buckeyes fan right now.

Heckler: You guys suck.
OSU fan: Ugh, no we don't.
Heckler: Your basketball team is weak.
OSU fan: Ugh, no it's not.
Heckler: Your law school blows.
OSU fan: Fuck you.

Good times in Columbus. Imagine the pride when you attend a game. You are watching the best team in its respective sport. Pretty cool, we'd imagine. Not that we'd know the feeling.

But hey, Washington would turn the OSU volleyball team on its fucking head.

In other news: Despite what your TV told you, the Monday Night Football game between the Seahawks and Packers actually took place in Green Bay.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

As turkey, stuffing and buckets of alcohol infiltrate Big Picture land, here is a list of things we're thankful for:

-Barbaro's chopstick-like legs

- Shaun Alexander, Jeff Garcia, and Adam Archuleta (to name a few). If not for them, we wouldn't be able to post pictures of their dick-hardening lady friends and pass this off as a sports site.

-The keys U, K, C, F.

-A mute button. How else to avoid Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Stuart Scott, Woody Paige, (breath), Mark May, Terry Bradshaw, Dan Fouts?

-Jenn Sterger. Who knew poking fun could be so enjoyable?

-Our wonderful commentors. Sure, we'd like more, but our small group of them -- namely JMC, Mini Me, Insomniac, NFL Adam, Twins 15 and Benny -- are much appreciated.

-The NFL Network. If not for it, we'd be stuck with two of the worst fucking NFL games imaginable today.

-Chicks who work in sports.

-College sports. Without them, our couch would not have a defined ass-groove formed on Saturdays.

-Orthodonture. Otherwise our teeth may look like Michael Strahan's.

-Our job. Half of the posts you read are written on the clock. So technically, we are getting paid for this site. Sorta.

-Upsets (if our teams aren't on the short side of them).

-Brandon Roy. Yeah, that's all.

-Goalposts: the center of a great tradition.

-The readers. If nobody was reading, we probably wouldn't be writing. So, yeah, thanks for reading. We appreciate it like you wouldn't believe.

If you like the site, tell your friends, family, pimps, escorts and illegal aliens.

If you don't like the site,

1. Go fuck yourself
2. Tell your friends, family, pimps, escorts and illegal aliens.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Jalen Rose likes to sing

Leave it to the geniuses over at the wonderful The Basketball Jones to come up with this wildly funny picture of Jalen Rose doing some karaoke. Great stuff really.

There's not a whole lot to add except 10 bucks says he's singing "Crazy in Love," by Beyoncé.

Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's
Got me looking so crazy right now (in love)
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch
Got me looking so crazy right now (your touch)
Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss
Got me hoping you'll save me right now
Looking so crazy in love's,
Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love.

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no, no.

Come up with your own song and prove our ass wrong in the comments.

Now that's how you celebrate a big win

Bryant prefers to be tied up, thank you.

Things in San Francisco were all uppety (adj. feeling good; swell; erect) Sunday after the 49ers beat the Seahawks.

In fact, wide receiver Antonio Bryant was so uppety he decided to take a little joy ride Sunday night. Bryant was arrested on reckless and drunken driving charges after his Lamborghini was seen speeding faster than 100 mph on a freeway.

Ocho Uno, naturally, was uncooperative, as he refused to step out of the car and was verbally abusive. He probably called the cop a fucking porker and threatened to bang his wife.

The article elaborates,

"The officers were forced to use leather restraints to put Bryant in a seated position with his legs straight and his hands cuffed behind his back."

Kinda like an S&M flick. Cool. Win a football game, drive unreasonably fast after a few too many Zimas, and then get tied up.

Sounds like an uppety day.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Can people not named Jessica please stop sucking Tony Romo's nuts?

Enough of this crap. People seem to be calling Tony Homo the savior in Dallas, as he is 3-2 in five starts and just helped the Cowboys take down the previously unbeaten Colts.

Please. Just look at his numbers, people! In Dallas' big win, Homo threw for 226 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT and also fumbled. You call that savior? We call it mediocre at best.

As Deadspin so cleverly wrote,

"Romo's best quality has been his unique position of Not Being Drew Bledsoe; because he was physically able to move his feet without falling down and throw a pass without bleeding, he was the most popular player in town."

Though, they then support Homo for winning the game yesterday. Now, we'll admit it (which will certainly hurt our argument here): we didn't watch the game. The Cowboys, while America's team, are not our team; we may choose to watch re-runs of "Married with Children" before tuning in to a Cowboys game.

But a box score can certainly tell a lot and it seems with decent passing yards, 0 TDs and two turnovers, Homo did more to hurt the team than actually help. Correct us if we're wrong.

We're not sure why such a no-name QB who has been fine, but not anything special, is getting his balls licked in every-which-way by anyone with a decent reputation.

Put Jay Fiedler in a Cowboys' uniform and he'd be the fucking MVP. We're not saying that Romo is such a bad QB. He's winning, which is the most important thing. But he seems to be taking all the credit for a turnaround while his stats suggest anything but.

Oh, and apparently he went on a date or something with Jessica Simpson. She probably licked his nuts too. But, you know, in a different way.

Wait, you're not supposed to be friends

What they don't know is that the "juice" is really Kool-Aid

In other news: Alfonso Soriano's new 8-year, $136 million deal with the Cubs also includes him singing, "Take me out to the Ballgame" every Tuesday.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The 49ers are playing football

Funny sentence of the day: the San Francisco 49ers are playoff contenders.


After beating the defending NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks 20-14, the 49ers are 5-5 and just one game back of the 'Hawks in the West.

If you were watching the game on Fox and you had the sound on, you are:

a.) A fucking moron
b.) Slightly more stupid today than you were before the telecast
c.) Aware that Niners coach Mike Nolan wore a suit.

He went with some Reebok get-up that made him look more like a used-car salesman than a football coach, but hey, whatever makes your dick feel an inch longer. He was no Tom Landry out there, but Nolan likes to go old school and the 49ers are playing like they did when their current players were in grade school.

And, though it pains us to say it, Norv Turner -- yes, the same Norv Turner that we rip as frequently as toilet paper -- is a big reason San Francisco is playing as well as it is.

According to Chronicle writer Kevin Lynch, "Offensive coordinator Norv Tuner has made some terrific calls. Turner is doing to the Seahawks what Mike Holmgren does to other teams."

Man, guess we gotta lay off poor ol' Norv for a while. But while a decent coordinator, we still know that he's about as successful as a head coach as Tom Cruise is a sane person.

On a day where Jerry Rice was honored, the Niners nearly played how they did when Rice wore the red and gold. Don't look now, but the 49ers are winners of three straight and are right in the thick of things in the NFC.

Well, now that we've "looked now," watch San Francisco finish 5-11.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Dennis Green, you owe Matt Leinart a handjob. After the Cardinals got a win that will only hurt them come Draft time, Green is in decent standing this week.

Last week
Green's chair was hotter than Erin Andrews. But after getting a much-needed victory, Green's seat has cooled and his chances of survival are becoming better; some may call it natural selection, we'll call it getting healthy at Matt Millen's expense.

We'll knock Green down to the Jester Level this week after his big victory. He's safe for now, but don't dare drop the soap, Denny: you're not outta the woods yet. While Green, with a Jester Level Ranking, is technically moving in the right direction to save his job, it's not exactly something to boast about.

To remind you, a jester is a fool or type of clown often associated with the Middle Ages. Green's behavior this season has sure been foolish, but for the first time in nearly two months, the Cardinals' play on the field was not comical.

In other news: After the Eagles' Donovan McNabb went down with an injury, coach Andy Reid outed QB Jeff Garcia.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The A's better have some good PR people

Ever since making the ALCS, things haven't been so sugary in Oakland. The A's got swept by the Detroit Tigers, then fired their manager (that was more of a pro than a con, by the way), lost their third base coach to a division rival, decided to move to Fremont, may lose slugger Frank Thomas, and now have named a new manager.

Yeah, the fun continues for the A's at the managerial position. After firing Art Howe, Oakland hired Ken Macha. And after canning Macha's ass, they hired another fun, exciting, young mundane coach: Bob Geren.

Geren is the A's former bullpen coach and spent the 2006 season as the bench coach. This guy just screams "boring." Just look at the picture. You'd need to drink four margaritas and take a few lines just to be able to get through a conversation with him. A guy like Geren shouldn't be coaching baseball. He looks more like a guidance counselor whose biggest enemies are the clock and his wife.

Boring seems like a prerequisite to be the A's manager these days. When applying for the A's managerial job, the applicants probably have to go through a written form.

Those who mark the little boxes for "White," "45-55 years old," and "Republican," get the most consideration.

Of course, these series of events don't exactly have A's fans thrilled. A close friend of ours who eats, drinks and sleeps Oakland A's baseball had this to say:
"I hate the A's right now for moving out of Oakland, letting Ron Washington leave, letting Thomas leave, hiring Bob Geren's cracker ass to manage the team, and having even a remote interest in Barry Bonds. Boo, boo, boo."
Cracker ass. Hey, it fits the mold.

In other news: Ironically, the Thursday's Backyard Brawl didn't involve a team from Florida.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The SI Cover Jinx is alive and well

About two weeks ago, we mentioned how the SI Cover Jinx -- you know, show up on the cover of the magazine and bad things happen -- didn't seem to apply to World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

Well, the curse seems to have said, "Told ya so."

After appearing on this week's regional cover of the SI College Basketball Preview, the Kansas Jayhawks lost at home to Oral Roberts. Oral what?!?!

Not really sure how a top-5 team loses at home to a school that sounds more like a sexual act than an academic institution. Guess the Golden Eagles shooting 58% from beyond the arc doesn't help. But we'll attribute Kansas' loss to showing up on the cover of a certain magazine.

You know, this isn't such a huge deal. Just a preseason upset is all. But as we were scrolling through the other regional covers, we saw this:

AAAAGGGHHHHH!! Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck fuck fuck!!!!

Man, last year was brutal, losing to UConn in the Sweet 16 and all on a last second shot to force overtime. But if last year was as tough to take, now the Huskies are on the cover of Sports Illustrated! Yikes!

Good exposure, right? More like the kiss of death.

Oh, and North Carolina, Wisconsin and Georgetown, things may not turn out so well for you either.

In other news: After New York Knicks rookie Renaldo Balkman scored 18 points Wednesday, GM/coach Isiah Thomas hired a "professional" to pat him on the back.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Daisuke Matsuzaka, you don't like us and we don't like you

Well, he probably doesn't know us. But if he did, he probably wouldn't like us. We're assholes. Really, we are.

And why don't we like the young Japanese baseball star? Well, because the Boston Red Sox just had to pay over $50 million just to negotiate with him.

The Red Sox won the bidding war to talk with Matsuzaka who is best known for throwing a "gyroball," which sounds like a delicious Greek pitch.

Was that joke lame? It was, wasn't it?

Anyhoo, this is not cool by us. If it costs $50 million just to talk to this douchefucker, imagine how much it will cost to actually sign his ass.

This is what baseball has come to. We've been reluctant, but have realized just how expensive mediocrity is, seeing players like A.J. Burnett, Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright sign huge contracts despite never being all that good at what they do. (No, not being injured, Jaret. You're great at that.).

Sure, Matsuzaka was good in the World Baseball Classic. He was the MVP, after all. But this seems like a giant sum of money just to talk -- and by talk, we mean go through a translator -- to this guy.

He may be great. Ichiro was great when he came over from Japan. But he may suck donkey balls. He may be the Tsuyoshi Shinjo of pitchers, without looking like a cartoon character.

But once the dollars and cents are all worked out, it looks like Matsuzaka will be a Bostonian. Just imagine Red Sox fans tearing in to him if he blows.

Ok, let's play a game. Pretend you're a Sox fan and your beloved team just signed this guy to a 7-year, $80 million deal. In your best Boston accent, post a comment saying what you would scream at this guy if he went out and had a real poor outing.

Here, we'll get the fun started: "YOU COULDN'T FIND THE STRIKE ZONE WITH THE FACKIN' A-BOMB.

Yeah, Go nuts!

In other news: Butler beat Indiana 60-55 after Bobby Knight slapped the Hoosiers' starting five via a teleconference.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Bobby Bowden's Short Term Memory"

A touching interview with Florida State coach Bobby Bowden reveals that he isn't so great with the short-term memory.

Bowden attributes it to age. If age is a euphemism for "piles of reefer," we couldn't agree more.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Oh boy. There's lame duck coaches and then there's Green. After losing 27-10 to Dallas Sunday, Arizona seemingly has decided not to play football anymore this season.

It's sad too because Green had some life pumped back into him last week after the Cardinals were idle. He got bumped down to a Prince Level Ranking, though he was more the Frog Prince than Prince Charming.

The Cardinals are losers of eight straight games and with offensive weapons Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald and Edgerrin James, one may think that Arizona could muster more than 10 points against the Cowboys. But no.

Green gets pushed up to the Queen Level again this week as it only is a matter of time before someone in the Cardinals' front office pulls a Donald Trump and fires his ass.

In other NFL news: After beating Tampa Bay 24-10 Monday night, Carolina removed the Buccaneers proverbial spleen.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Big Ten fans will never have to leave the couch again

Coming to a TV set near you, the Big Ten has announced that it will have its own TV station -- a 24-hour television network -- cleverly titled the "Big 10 Network." It will launch in August 2007.

For some reason Fox has a minority ownership, which will surely make the new network as enjoyable as an evening with Joe Buck.

"The Big Ten Network will carry many of the games and events previously available only through syndication, providing greater exposure for these and other Big Ten sports. The sports programming on the Big Ten Network and/or through alternative Big Ten Network platforms will include, but is not limited to:

  • 35-plus football games, with each school having at least two games aired (at least one of which will be a conference game);
  • At least 105 regular-season men's basketball games;
  • At least 55 regular-season women's basketball games;
  • Big Ten championships and tournaments;
  • 170 Olympic sporting events; and,
  • Coverage from the conference's vast library of historic sporting events, including bowl games.
In addition, each school will have the right to provide 60 hours of its own content annually."
Each school gets 60 hours of its own content, huh? Well, what exactly does that consist of?

"We anticipate this will create enormous opportunities for journalism, film and other academic programs and provide the ability to highlight academic achievement throughout the universities," Big Ten commissioner James E. Delany said.

Is this the chance that Penn State's been waiting for since the 1970s to film behind the scenes action of Joe Pa?

It's really too bad that Maurice Clarett isn't still at The Ohio State. Just imagine Mark and Linda from Video 1 thinking they could go follow Clarett around and have their video aired as part of OSU's 60 hours of "own content."

But instead of Mark and Linda getting a good story for the Big Ten Network (and perhaps Jenny getting some backseat-nookie with Mo), they get some loaded guns, a bulletproof vest, and a bottle of Grey Goose. Imagine Clarett's latest mishap being aired live as a documentary or something. That'd be incredibly tight.

Mainly this new network will just be a way for the Midwest schools to get some more exposure. Surely sports fans on the West Coast are begging to see a regular season football game between Indiana and Northwestern.

But hey, expanded coverage is rarely a problem. Unless Pam Ward is calling the action. Or worse, Fox broadcasters. AAAGGHHH!

In other news: After losing to the Bears 38-20, Giants coach Tom Coughlin announced that, "The Bears are kinda who we thought they were, but not really."

Friday, November 10, 2006

A how-to on marrying super models

As first reported by With Leather, NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon tied the knot with some foreign chick who is super hot and probably knows how to say, "me like fuckie" in six languages.

Gordon's bride, whom he married Tuesday, is named Ingrid Vandebosch and she's a Belgian model. Beats Belgian waffles. (Please feel free to drop kick your computer and pretend it was our head).

So how can a skinny, white guy who drives a fucking car for a living pull a hot piece of tail like Vandebosch?

Easy. Dollars and cents, friends. Money talks and supermodels -- especially the ones who wear a zero dress size, are on the water and lettuce diet, and take lines of coke like they're Pixy Stix -- listen.

Let's forget the money for a second, and analyze Mr. Gordon. The man is a fine looking gentleman, but he's nothing special. Slap a mustache and an accent on him and you have yourselves a very efficient cab driver. And this guy is pulling in outrageous women! AAAGGHHH!!! He probably cheats on her too. Bastard.

Then there's Tiger Woods. Sure he's famous, great at golf, yadayadayada, but c'mon, he too is a scrawny, average looking guy. He's married to this broad who, unlike Gordon's new wife, knows how to say, "me like fuckie" in eight languages. Take that, bitch.

If Tiger didn't have arms, he'd be just an average guy, well, without arms. But he wouldn't be good at golf. And he wouldn't be rich. Well, he might be -- he could be like some cool guy without arms who's rich -- but probably not. And he wouldn't be nailing the kind of meat he has.

It's been known for years that money is the fastest way to a gorgeous woman's heart. But if you're a professional driver or golfer, you don't deserve Grade A pussy. Not at all.

In other news: Rutgers beat Louisville 28-25 Thursday after Tony Soprano put a hit on the Cardinals' second-half offense.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Chris Berman's journal entry

Dear Diary,

It's been a tough day. I know we've talked about this before, Diary, but some things are starting to get to my head.

Let me back, back, back up a bit. Things were going fine. Just gearing up for the NFL Draft, getting ready to hang out with Tom "good thing he isn't Michael" Jackson and shoot the breeze with Mel and make fun of his hair.

Things were great in Bristol and then
this website gets hold of a story from my distant past and now I'm the butt of many jokes. Another website even popped up with my tag line in the title.

Yeah, it's that whole "You're with me, Leather" thing. It's just eating away at me. Even my kids are giving me a hard time about it. Those little fucks.

Sure, it's not like it's a derogatory story at all. Hell, in that tale, it's like I'm Chris "you da" Ber-man all over again. I feel so alive when I think back to it.

Meanwhile, Tom has been really good to me though. He's knows I'm under a lot of pressure to come up with nicknames and catch phrases. He knows that my Swami picks are a bit uninformed and way off lately. But he's a good friend and a better listener. It's like he knows what I'm going through. Maybe I'll buy him a candy bar at the cafeteria tomorrow.

Oh, but Neil "don't you" Everett "mention that again" has been such a dickwad about the whole thing. He
practically called me out on national TV. I was so mad you could get a facial from the steam coming out of my head. I just wanted to go in front of the camera and tell the world he has a third testicle. I almost did. Would that have been bad, Diary? I'm better than that. I know. But I was just so angry.

I tried to calm myself by having a glass of wine and watching
"Turner and Hooch." You know how much I love that movie. That dog is just soooo cute. But that didn't even work. I didn't want to tell my wife why I was so mad. I just said it was a long day at work and Kiper reminded me I was balding. Asshole.

She knew though.
Jeez, I just feel so bad and want this to all go rumblin', bumblin', stumblin' away. I know it's funny and it's giving everyone such a laugh, but I feel like I've aged 30 years over the last seven months. Eeesh.

Oh well. Diary, it always helps talking to you and getting this off my chest. I'm a bit better now. And when I see Tom, I'll let him know just how good a friend he is. Maybe we can even take a vacation together. I hear Scottsdale is nice...

Thanks Diary,
Chris "you da" Ber-man

In other news: The San Francisco 49ers may relocate after it was discovered that Monster Park is actually haunted by ghosts.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Green is on a bit of an upswing this week after the Cardinals were idle this past weekend. The Cardinals didn't lose on their bye (we think), so Green's job is safe for now.

We gave Green a Queen Level Ranking last week after deciding they didn't want to compete against Green Bay. But Green was given a nod of confidence and was told he will not be fired this season.

We don't buy that for a second, but still, Green's job is safe for now. With the new-found job security, we'll bump Green down to the Prince Level.

There's no way Green is Prince Charming. He's certainly not charming in a press conference, though he is wildly entertaining. Denny is more like the Frog Prince.

Green perhaps will ribbit and croak on the sidelines the remainder of the season, but until the Bidwell family understands that the Arizona Cardinals are in more trouble than (enter your favorite Cincinnati Bengals player here), Green is safe...and his survival rating is going the right direction.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Brady Quinn may star in a movie...

...And no, it isn't Brokeback Mountain 2.

There are reports that Notre Dame quarterback/pretty boy/fudge-packer dick-grabber "friend to the gays?" may star in an upcoming film about the life of former Irish quarterback George Gipp.

Perhaps this would be a good PR move for Quinn. He was recently profiled in Interview and the photo feature was not so much GQ as it was A macho role in a movie playing a former stud Irish QB would be good for his reputation.

We all know how well Quinn can throw the ball. He's really a pretty darn good quarterback. But something about him just screams Jeff Garcia rather than, say, Brett Favre.

Could you imagine Quinn in a Cowboys uniform next year? One throw over Terrell Owens' head and TO would out Quinn like fucking Lance Bass.

Though it just seems that Quinn may be better suited for a movie like Brokeback Mountain 2. He'd snuggle up nicely with Jake Gyllenhaal. That dark hair, strong arms, tender skin...ugh, "that's kinda gay."

In other news: Louisville beat West Virginia 44-34 Thursday in the first leg of the Triple Crown.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The New York Knicks are playing basketball

Isiah Thomas has survived game one. Barely.

The Knicks won 118-117 in triple OT over the Grizzlies from Memphis, where there are undoubtedly few bears. New York blew a 19-point lead, which likely had Isiah Thomas' heart beating awfully fast.

But as of now, Isiah and the Knicks are 1-0.

Though we won't let Thomas escape from our grasp that easily. The Knicks' top draft pick in the 2006 Draft, Renaldo Balkman from basketball powerhouse South Carolina, had a night to remember only if he planned on coming across as a jackass when trying to pick up some NBA-grade pussy at the local club.

(Did that last sentence make any sense? We're not sure it did. So why'd we leave it if it didn't make sense? Because anytime we get the chance to say "NBA-grade pussy," we jump at it.)

Anyway, Balkman, whose great t-shirt you can score over at the YAYsports! NBA store, scored 0 points and picked up 4 fouls in only 8 minutes of action. Way to start off your NBA career.

But Balkman's in good company with another rookie who started off his NBA career with a dud. No. 1 pick Andrea Bargnani played about as poorly Wednesday as he speaks English. The Raptors top pick scored 2 points in 9 minutes, but did learn just what a raptor really is.

We're 128% sure that if the Knicks had the top pick this past draft, they'd have made the same mistake as Toronto and picked Bargnani instead of, oh, Tyrus Thomas, Adam Morrison, or Brandon Roy. But the Knicks didn't have the first pick in the draft, they had the 20th. So Isiah chose to jump the gun there and go with Balkman, instead of, oh, Rajon Rondo, Marcus Williams, or Kyle Lowry.

And after a night, the pick seems just as fucking brain-dead as it did on Draft Night.

In other news: It is rumored that Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash cut his hair because he is being approached by George Steinbrenner to play third base for the New York Yankees.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The SI jinx? Not for St. Louis

We all know about the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx. Make the cover of the best sports magazine out there? Great, you're season's more fucked than a pornstar.

There's no good explanation why this happens, but there sure seems to be a strong correlation between being on an SI cover and having bad things happen soon after.

But if you're Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals, bad things aren't happening to you.

As you can see above, Prince Albert graced the cover of the 2006 MLB Preview and it didn't exactly show in his season's stats.

The slugger hit .331, clocked 49 home runs, drove in 137 runs and, oh, the Cardinals won the freakin' World Series, if you hadn't heard.

We're not sure what to make of all this. If you're not superstitious, it probably doesn't mean a damn thing. We are superstitious. Very superstitious when it comes to sports. But if for some strange reason the San Francisco Giants or one of its players is featured on the SI Baseball Preview next year, well, maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Um, Rashard...

...yeah, ugh, whatcha holdin' onto there?

In other news: The Chicago Bulls demolished the Miami Heat 108-66 behind 26 points from Michael Jordan and 11 boards from Scottie Pippen.