Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Caple, a University of Washington alum, and former writer and editor at the same college paper we worked for, came to campus and talked to some aspiring sports writers Monday night in the intimacy of The Daily newsroom.
He had all sorts of great anecdotes and was nice enough to answer all of our questions for over an hour.
Some of the highlights:
-Caple told a great locker room story from when Shaq was with the Orlando Magic. A bunch of reporters were waiting to talk to the 7-foot-1 O'Neil as he got dressed after a game. But before he finished putting on his clothes, 5-foot NY Times writer Selena Roberts got too close to Shaq and as he turned around, he slapped Miller's face with his penis. Shaq fucking cock-slapped this poor reporter!
-We asked Caple about the sinking ship that is Page 2 and he sort of dodged the question. Go figure. But we also mentioned new Page 2-hire Jemele Hill and Caple didn't seem to know what we were talking about. Shows how smoothly information flows over at ESPN.
-He said "clusterfuck."
-Caple holds a Hall of Fame vote and said, as of now, he'd certainly vote in Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.
-We also asked Caple about his "Back to School" columns that ran during the 2005 NCAA Tournament, where he went to different schools -- like Michigan State, pictured above -- and lived like a college student. He said he drank more beer during that span than he did in college. Oh, and he says he's never playing beer pong again.
-Caple is not a reader of blogs, but does like the writing of Jayson Stark.
-He has never met Bill Simmons.
-Caple, married, reminded us just how high the divorce rate is among sportswriters.
It was a fun evening and he was a pleasure to talk to on such a small, personal level. If only he can hold Page 2 together.
Update: There's speculation that Caple's story about Shaq cockslapping a NY Times reporter is more of an urban legend than fact. Though we did leave out what we didn't see as critical to the story, but perhaps is.
Shaq, in the story, was standing on a ledge to get up to his locker (or something like that). By standing on the ledge, it supposedly put the short reporter at scrotum height.
Again, Caple told us this story, it was funny and he certainly didn't pass it off as just a myth, though maybe it is.
But the grown-up version of Halloween is still great. Rather than getting candy and sugary treats, we get beer and other liquor-filled drinks. People still dress up in fun costumes -- like ghosts and goblins -- but now the girls go as hookers, sluts, call girls, mistresses, Paris Hilton, whores, escorts, tramps, strippers and madams.
We're not complaining.
But we've always liked to think we're more creative than that. We want to have a good costume for the festivities this year and we're here for you too!
If you don't have your award-winning, panty-dropping costume yet, allow us to help. Here are some ideas for costumes for that sports fan out there.
-A fan that "can't bear to watch." (Wear a losing team -- say the Detroit Lions -- shirt and simply put a paper bag over your head. Optional: write something on it like, "Just Shoot Me.")
-Fred Smoot (though costume requires you go around with a lady friend -- who will undoubtedly be dressed like a tramp -- and carry a double-headed sex toy as an accessory).
-Scott Spiezio's red soul patch
-Clinton Portis or Coach Janky Spanky
-Stuart Scott (glass eye not included)
-The Chicago Bears (costume simply requires you wear a crown. That's it. Because "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass).
Us? Well, we're thinking going as Barry Bonds. The costume is simple, really. We were just going to slap on our Giants hat, wear a t-shirt, and draw a large asterisk on it. We'll do our best to get some photos, but no promises.
Good costume? Great. Send it our way and we'll try to put it up on the site.
Be safe out there, folks. Happy Halloween!
In other news: New England beat the Minnesota 31-7 because the new-look Vikings couldn't get their sea legs.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.
Denny is fucked!
Last week, Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green had a Queen Level ranking, after losing to the lowly, yet up-and-coming Oakland Raiders.
This week, Green and the Cards were no better. Arizona lost 31-14 to Green Bay and in consecutive weeks, the disgraceful Cardinals have made the Raiders and Packers look like the fucking '85 bears and '72 Dolphins, respectively.
Really, what's left for the lame duck coach? He's got to be fired any day now. But until he is, we can't give him the King Level ranking. But last week Green got the Queen level and his survival took a ruptured-spleen size hit with his latest loss.
So what's Green's survival rating? We'll give him the Queen Level ranking again, with a nudge closer to being unemployed. But there's not much more room to go, as firing Green at this point is nothing more than a formality.
Friday, October 27, 2006
As first reported by the wonderful Wizard of Odds, University of Washington running back Michael Houston -- he's a transfer from Texas, go figure -- got in some legal trouble a few nights ago. We'll let the Wiz explain:
"Michael Houston, a transfer from Texas, was arrested on suspicion of auto theft. Specifically, a cab. According to police, Houston, two other men and a woman were picked up by an Orange Cab at a Deja Vu strip club. As the cabbie drove them to a McDonald's, the woman allegedly spit on a window. When the cabbie stopped the vehicle, got out and called 911 on his cell phone, it is alleged that Houston jumped from the back seat to the front and drove away. "
Houston was of course arrested and has been suspended by Coach Willingham, who doesn't preach auto theft, strip clubs or McDonald's.
Pretty great stuff though. And in our backyard makes it even better! So this is what a guy does when he's sitting out the year because of transfer rules. Go to a strip club, likely drink some drank, and steal a fucking taxi. Beats doing homework.
As for why the cabbie called 911 after the women in the car spit, that's unknown. Seems like he jumped the gun, no?
For anyone who's played Grand Theft Auto, well, let's just call Michael Houston our new Carl Johnson. Like the car? Just take it.
But next time Michael, bring some strippers with you.
If you've been able to stomach Fox's MLB telecasts over the last few years you've probably had the misfortune of seeing "Scooter," Fox's attempt to make their game broadcasts more appealing, and apparently informative, to kids. According to Wikipedia, Scooter was designed "to explain different types of pitches with the education of children in mind." As is the case with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, the guys behind MLB on Fox apparently don't know a bad thing when they find it. Despite quite a few negative reactions to Scooter, Fox has kept him around.
If you've never seen Scooter, consider yourself lucky. He looks something like this, although apparently pictures of him don't exist on the internet. He whooshes on screen and in an annoying voice butchers explanations of different types of pitches. He typically says something like "a curveball is a ball that curves on its way to the plate." Enlightening.
Last night Scooter made what we believe to be his first appearance of the 2006 postseason, and his schtick was taken to a new low. This time they had Jeff Suppan's head floating on the screen next to Scooter, and in an irritating, condescending tone of voice, Suppan explained that a change-up is a fastball that goes really really slow. Of course, if it goes slowly, it's not a fastball at all, is it? This explanation is insulting. If they're trying to educate children they should have said that a change-up is a pitch that looks like a fastball, but is much slower, so it fools the hitter. They could have demonstrated the various grips used to throw changeups, or shown footage of pitchers with really good ones (e.g. Johan Santana). Instead they probably went to an extra commercial break so we could have the pleasure of hearing "Our Country" for the 12,000th time of the night.
They might as well just change to name from "The World Series on Fox" to "The World's Largest Crappy Baseball Broadcasting Party."
Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here here, here, here and here, as well as here, here, and here.
In other news: Much to our chagrin, the "great fans" in St. Louis are continuing to imitate this.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
If you recall, both school's presidents really don't like promoting liquor and binge drinking, so they're doing their best to keep the media, fans and players from referring to the game as "The World's Largest Cocktail Party."
Of course this has the fine folks over at Everyday Should be Saturday pretty pissed. But as wonderful as they are, they didn't rant, rather they did something about it. They created some great t-shirts, like the one shown above, and had a great thread about some alternate names for Saturday's game.
Some fun ones from the hilarious commenters over at EDSBS:
-World’s largest what is that smell?
-World’s largest gathering of married alumni ogling hot coeds
-World’s largest cock & tail party
-World’s largest Outdoor “The Things We Do Not Speak Of” Party
-World’s Only Reason to Go to Jacksonville
-World's largest Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting
-World's largest gathering of drunk, uninhibited, smoking hot sorority tail
And some of our own:
-World's largest outdoor meeting of people who thought the South was right
-World's largest outdoor Shirley Temple party
-World's largest outdoor gangbang
-World's largest outdoor gathering of former slave owners
-World's largest outdoor marijuana party
-World's largest outdoor congregation of Southern people
Ok, we know you readers are far funnier than we are anyway. Leave your suggestions in the comments. JMC, we expect wonders for you, being a former improv stud and all. All right, make it happen in the comments.
As first reported by The Big Lead, (well, we first saw the story there anyway. But those guys do such bang-up work that perhaps they were the first to break the story.), Matt Leinart is the proud new father of a baby boy.
Remarkably, Young Matthew's child is with his college sweetheart and USC basketball player
Now we can't blame Matthew too much. When a guy hears "women's basketball player," the first reaction is naturally this. But Cameron is no Rebecca Lobo. She's pretty damn hot and you know the kid, Cole, will have just about every advantage in the world.
As for Hilton, well, fuck her (not literally, though Leinart took it that way). She's too skinny, annoying and looks like she's overly dependent on heroin. We'd go with Cameron over her in a heartbeat.
This, after all, is probably a joyous day for the Leinart and Cameron families. Leinart has a son who he can turn into a future star -- a career that will likely go through USC. He'll be like the Archie Manning of this era.
Cole was born out of wedlock and it seems that Leinart and Cameron have no intention to get married. But perhaps they should. Not like being in a relationship has stopped Matthew from getting groovy with other ladies before.
But a big day for Leinart, Cameron and Trojans fans. There are all sorts of high-fives and man-hugs taking place over on the USC campus right now.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
A possible case of equine herpes at Monmouth Park has led New Jersey sports officials to ban the shipment of thoroughbred horses out of the state.
Perhaps the horses were doing a bit too much beastiality or just cuddled up near Nicole Richie.
This seems sort of reminiscent of the movie "Outbreak." But for horses. If these things are quarantined, what will all the bettors do?
Don't let our little headline fool you: Barbaro's just fine. He's not the type to fuck around with herpes. Babs knows better than that.
Sure, it'd be likely that a huge pimp like Barbaro, who's hung like, well, a thoroughbred, could contract herpes because he gets so much horse pussy. But Babs is smarter than that. He picks and chooses the fillies he "associates" himself with, and we know that Barbaro is a smart fucking horse.
If a broken leg can't keep Barbaro down, equine herpes can't either.
(Giant hat-tip to With Leather for the story).
Via the awesome blog, I Dislike Your Favorite Team, comes a tale of a parent who is far too "involved" with his son's football team.
Upset over his son's lack of playing time, irate father Wayne Derkotch, 40, pulled a gun on his son's football coach.
But the story gets better: Derkotch's son plays on a team for 6 and 7-year-olds! Holy fucking bukkake!
This man is absolutely Tom Cruise-crazy! Pulling a gun because a fucking 6-year-old isn't getting enough playing time is beyond absurd. It's beyond crazy. It's beyond sane.
But this man did it. Wayne Derkotch, pat yourself on the back. You're about to win Father of the Year.
And of course this happened in Philadelphia. This same guy probably put a gun to Terrell Owens' head and made him pop a bunch of pills.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.
Today Green gets a Queen Level ranking. After a 22-9 loss to the Raiders, Arizona is 1-6, losers of 6 straight, and in last place in the NFC West.
Green is like Queen Elizabeth in the year 1600. She died three years later, so her reign was nearing its end. Green, while he may not die, is nearing his end of power as well.
If the embarrassing loss to the Raiders isn't the last straw, the end is near.
In other NFL news: Drew Bledsoe was benched in Dallas' 36-22 loss to New York after coach Bill Parcells brought in not Tony Romo, but Tony Roma.
Monday, October 23, 2006
We guarantee you've seen the commercial. You know, the one for some truck company (probably Chevy) and in the background we're enlightened by the musical overtures of John Mellencamp telling us all about our fucking country.
But Sunday, those at Comerica Park in Detroit, as well as anyone tuned in to the Fox telecast, got to see Mellencamp live in action as he sang his hit new song before Game 2 of the World Series.
There are just all sorts of thoughts swirling through our heads.
-Why was John fucking Mellencamp (and where the hell did John Cougar go?) singing to a Detroit crowd? Mellencamp is from Indiana, and while those on either the East or West Coasts seem to collapse all of the midwestern cities and states as one in the same, we're intelligent enough to know that Detroit is not in Indiana.
-And couldn't the folks at Comerica just put up that commercial on the jumbo-tron or something. That commercial must be aired about 68 times per sportscast. Over the weekend, we probably heard the song "Our Country" more times than Mellencamp has sex partners. We could probably recite the trite, clichéd lyrics from memory. Though we still couldn't be 100% sure what the commercial is actually for. Proves how effective advertising is.
-But of all the people to sing a song at the World Series, John Mellencamp? And "Our Country?" If he would have instead busted out "Wild Night," we probably wouldn't be ragging on Mellencamp today.
Though don't think Fox can escape the ridicule either. Loyal Big Picture readers know how much we hate Fox, and we somehow think that those at Fox headquarters were behind getting Mellencamp to sing. Kinda the same way we blamed ESPN's Stuart Scott for showing a rap video at halftime of Monday Night Football.
And hey, "From the East Coast, to the West Coast," John Mellencamp can go suck a dick.
In other World Series news: Detroit beat St. Louis 3-1 Sunday after the Tigers' Kenny Rogers knocked out a camera man to pump him up before his start.
Friday, October 20, 2006
The smart kids over at Dartmouth and Holy Cross (we think they're smart over at Holy Cross. Certainly brighter than the kids over at The U) had a little scuffle of their own this past weekend, as there was some pushing, shoving, and
We don't have video or details of what was actually said, but we can imagine that Dartmouth made some cracks about Holy Cross not having a graduate program and the Crusaders likely ragged on Dartmouth for being located in New Hampshire.
And an interesting side note, the Dartmouth head coach is Buddy Teevens, you know, the former Stanford coach. We'd say it's a shame to see Teevens go from a Pac-10 school to an Ivy League one, but the way Stanford's been playing, perhaps it's a good thing he got out when he did.
Oh, and if you didn't know, Dartmouth is nicknamed the Big Green. Ricky Williams is probably a fan.
(Edit: so we jumped to the conclusions above: there is video!)
Well, people in Detroit and St. Louis probably don't give a hoot-flying fuck about it anymore.
Apparently the new formula for reaching the World Series is sucking it up so fucking bad in the last week of the season that you get a "gut-check," and "turn it around" in the playoffs.
(We're pretty excited about landing two clichés in one action-packed sentence, by the way. And if you don't know what a cliché is, we highlighted them for you in quotes, you silly bastards.)
There should be nothing surprising about a Wild Card team making the World Series, though. We're in full accordance with the thinking that having to earn a post-season berth late equates to October success. The Marlins did it (twice), the Angels (fuck, shit, fuck!) did it, the Red Sox did it and there could be some others who also did it, but we're at work and way too lazy to actually look it up.
Get hot, win the Wild Card, win the World Series. Basic formula. And we've bought into it.
But we aren't really buying into the idea of sucking more than Jenna Jameson, back-dooring (zing!) into the playoffs and then making the Series.
So how to explain the Tigers and Cards? (If you think we're going to say "destiny" here, you couldn't be "further off the mark" -- catch the clichés?! Butt-slaps if you did).
No, not destiny, faithful readers.
Lots and lots of steroid-laced Marlboros. But probably just coincidence. Or luck. Fine, it was probably fate or playoff gods. Or even destiny.
Yeah, that must be it.
If you do, great. If you don't,
Pretty harsh stuff. We're not sure how stabbing a guy in the leg is attempting to kill him, but hey, the law's the law.
But maybe Cozad has some problems. After all, he was the backup punter at a D-II school. That gets you as much pussy as an Engineering major. He was probably pent up and wanted to let people know that he was the real deal; that he was part of the team.
As far as sports and violence goes, this really isn't all that bad. This guy's no Rae Carruth, Ray Lewis, or Maurice Clarett. But going at a guy, let alone his fucking teammate, with a knife is kinda severe. Yeah, and now he may have severe walking problems after his first prison shower.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Dwayne Polee Jr., a freshman, is just a tad ahead of his Westchester High School buddies then. Polee, 14 and 6-6, has a beard that looks like this and probably doesn't fit in to too many lockers.
He's also made a verbal commitment to play for the USC basketball team. Either Tim Floyd, the Trojans coach, is fucking insane, or this kid has got more game than Jesus Shuttlesworth.
Either way, Polee Jr. is 14. Fourteen! We've compiled a small list of things he, being a 14-year-old, has probably never done:
- Truly enjoyed the beauty of a new Mach 3 razor.
- Attended an R-rated movie without his parents
- Driven a car
- Driven a car when he really shouldn't have (you know, like after completing an Edward 40-hands episode -- cause he probably doesn't even know of "Edward Scissorhands" or of the malted greatness of a $1.99 Olde English 40.)
- Shit blood
- Tapped a keg
- Smoked pot
- Sold pot
- Blown chunks in the middle of a Taco Bell
- "Giggiddy, giggiddy!"
- With a straight face, told a stripper his name is Solomon.
- Siphoned gas from a Federal Officer's car
- Been in a "compromising situation"
- Shared a laugh with some Hooters waitresses
- Read "Hamlet"
- Eaten soup from a bread bowl
That's what we weren't doing when we were 14, anyway. Then again, we also weren't making verbal commitments before playing even one high school game. We're gonna go ahead and say Tim Floyd's a fucking lunatic.
As for the kid in the photo, well, we haven't a clue who he is. But when we typed in "14-year old kid" in to Google Images, this is what we got. Hell, for all we know, this is what our boy Dwayne Polee Jr really looks like: spiky hair, too much gel, and, of course, braces. Ah, braces. The staple of any 14-year old’s physical appearance.
And please add to our list by blowing up the comments section much like the way Dennis Green blew up just a few precious days ago.
The U only cares about one thing...
Winning. As opposed to say, integrity or discipline. You see, in the wake of the now infamous brawl, Miami suspended 13 players for a total of, get this, 13 games. Now we aren't math majors but we can infer that each player got a one-game suspension. To their credit, Anthony Reddick, who used his helmet like a sledgehammer, had his punishment changed to an indefinite suspension. Still, this shit is pretty lenient, and shows that the 'Canes care much more about winning than they do about having a program deserving of respect. And let's not forget that this week they play Duke, who they could probably beat playing blindfolded with one hand tied behind their backs. FIU on the other hand kicked two players off the team and gave 16 others indefinite suspensions, plus they are required to attend anger management classes and do community service.
Joe Buck still sucks...
Our favorite play-by-play man was back behind the mic for the NLCS game 6 in New York last night, and as usual, made the game virtually unwatchable. Our favorite moment came as the Mets recorded the final out sending the series to a decisive seventh game. His call, which was something along the lines of "chopper to the right side, Valentin throws to first and this series is going to game 7," totally sucked. Note the lack of expressive punctuation at the end of that sentence. No exclamation point, no words in bold or italics. That's because, if we didn't know better, we would have thought ol' daddy's boy was calling the last out of the third inning of a spring training Royals-Rockies game. We'd think about getting excited for the upcoming fall classic, but the thought of Buck calling every game makes us nauseous.
Because you can't take it with you...
Now you can take your favorite MLB team to the grave. Or to be more accurate, your favorite team can take you to the grave. In a somewhat frightening case of what Uni Watch would call "logo creep," you can now be buried in a coffin complete with your team's logo, officially licensed and all. No word on what the price will be yet, but, given MLB's love of taking you for every penny they can get, let's assume they'll be pricey. Because it wasn't bad enough that you died from an ulcer you got watching your team lose in the playoffs, you can now be constantly reminded of it for all eternity.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
We'll leave our own biases out of this.
Dennis "THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE" Green:
Jim "PLAYOFFS?!" Mora:
Jim "WE COUDLN'T DO DIDDLY POO" Mora:
(No video, but check out the audio here).
Herm "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME" Edwards:
Fortunately, they weren't charging for sex, but the way they were dressed, perhaps they should have. The Cardinals cheer squad said they dressed up as the Victoria's Secret angles, though we just think they were call girls with wings.
But this is a prime example of why both Halloween and college are so wonderful. Girls dress in as little as possible and it's the one night of the year they basically just have a sign on their chest that says: "I want to get drunk and have meaningless sex."
And we want to be there when they say that...though not in Louisville, Ky. We'd prefer LA, Miami or Phoenix. But the women in Seattle do seem to come out of the woods on Halloween and look like, well, angels.
A big tip of the cap to the fine gentlemen over at The M Zone for this.
Norv Turner Update: Yep, still employed by the 49ers. We're not sure why either.
Who's Ned, you ask? Well, who isn't Ned?
Ned is the infamous FIU player on crutches seen during Saturday's melee with The U. Ned, unfortunately, is not his first name. He's A'Mod Ned. He's a running back. And he likes to use crutches as a weapon.
And here are some fantastic photos of him.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
During halftime of the Monday Night Football game -- a horrible, horrible loss for the Arizona Cardinals -- ESPN aired a Jay-Z video. Yeah, a fucking hip hop video during the halftime show of a sporting event.
It's not that we dislike Jay-Z, rap, or hyphens in the middle of a first name, but this is ESPN! It's a sports network! If we wanted a Jay-Z video, we would've tuned in to MTV, MTV 2, VH1, Country Music Channel, BET, or Comcast On Demand Karaoke.
And we just assume that Stu Scott had a big part of this. Really, there's a time and place for a music video and it's by no means at halftime of a football game.
ESPN has slipped in the last few years -- this is a prime example -- and most of it can be attributed to people like Scott. Sportscenter (and really ESPN as a whole) was so great because of witty anchors, great game coverage and pop culture references.
A music video, by the way, is not a reference.
This really isn't a big deal; really it's just a music video on a sports network and we feel the need to rant a bit about it. But still, c'mon, ESPN. What's up with that?
But it's all good because, "Jay-Z is a sports fan." Good connection, Stu.
As for the photo, well, it seems the blonde woman is about as real as Stu's right eye.
Anyway, we're out. Hugs and hand-pounds.
It involved Izzy Alcántara, and, well, Wikipedia can explain.
And here's the video. Bruce Lee would be envious. Amazing!
Alcántara made national news as as a minor leaguer in 2001 when he retaliated against Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons catcher Jeremy Salazar during a game. On July 3, 2001, Alcántara was hit by a pitch by Red Barons pitcher Blas Cedeño. [] Feeling that he had been thrown at, he responded by kicking catcher Salazar in the face, karate-style, before rushing the mound. The pitcher wisely backed out of his way, and after momentarily trying to get anyone on the Red Barons to fight him, was engulfed in the ensuing bench-clearing brawl. Afterwards, Alcántara was given a 7-game suspension, and his career never recovered.
In other, more obvious news: Miami Hurricanes football analyst Lamar Thomas was fired for starting a brawl in the broadcast booth last Saturday.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Fans have been calling for Macha's head for years, and today, A's fans finally get what they wanted. The popular replacement will likely be A's third base coach Ron Washington who probably should have gotten the job when Art Howe left. Though Billy Beane will probably go out and hire a guy nobody's heard of, take the A's to the playoffs and then get canned later down the road when the players turn on him.
For those of you who don't remember, Macha actually was let go at the end of last season, but then renegotiated with Beane and the two had some good make-up sex.
And by the way, these guys are having a fucking great day now!
No, we're talking the bad stuff. Ideally the criteria would be events that you would imagine happen only in prison, but frankly we couldn't find enough savage brawls like that.
But below are our top-5 brawls since 2000. Missed some? Don't agree? Feel free to add your own.
1. Basketbrawl, Nov. 19, 2004
The skinny: You know the story. Ron Artest fouls Ben Wallace. Wallace gets pissed and shoves Artest. Artest, at this point, has been ejected and goes to take a nap on the scorer's table. All's cool until a fan throws a cup of beer that hits Artest. Ronnie goes apeshit and goes into the stands with both guns blazin'. Teammates Stephen Jackson and Fred Jones are jealous that they're not in on this too, and they go tag-team it with Artest.
The aftermath: Artest gets suspended for the year, proceeds to cut rap album. Jackson was suspended for 30 games, while O’Neal received 25 games, which was later reduced to 15, and Anthony Johnson received five. For the Pistons, Wallace was suspended for six games.
The savagery scale (out of 10): 52. It doesn't get better than this! We can watch video of this mini riot over and over, and it won't get old. Our favorite is the fan who raises his fucking dukes to Jermaine O'Neal. This is a brawl of epic, epic proportions. With the fans, players, coaches all in on the action, we'd estimate about 100 people were involved. Awesome!
2. The U has a reputation to uphold, Oct. 14, 2006
The skinny: This so fresh that you don't need much of a reminder, but helmets swung, crutches flew and Miami was doing what they do best: causing trouble.
The aftermath: Thirteen ejections and 31 players -- 13 from Miami, 18 from FIU -- are suspended from the team's next game.
The savagery scale: 9. Anytime a player is using his helmet as a weapon, you know there's something wrong. This was a full-blown melee and both teams were completely out of control. Where was the cast of "CSI: Miami?"
3. Don Zimmer, meet Pedro Martinez, Oct. 11, 2003
The skinny: Yankees bench coach, 72-year old Don Zimmer, goes at then Red Sox ace, Pedro Martinez in Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS. Pedro shifts to the side and throws down Don Zimmer the way you'd expect a pro athlete to dispose of an overweight senior citizen. This sparks a
bigger brawl and the rest is history.
The aftermath: We couldn't find if there were suspensions or not, but we don't recall any. Zimmer apologized for his actions and the Yankees went on to the World Series, losing to the Marlins.
The savagery scale: 7. The brawl itself was nothing special, but anytime you see a Pedro Martinez fight Grandpa, that's pretty neat. Being in the postseason also earns this an extra point on the savagery scale.
4. Michael Barrett does not appreciate A.J. Pierzynski, May 20, 2006
The skinny: Pierzynski is running home, Barrett blocks the plate, A.J. collides with Barrett, ball comes loose, Pierzynski slaps home plate, Barrett reacts, slugs A.J. in the eye. (That folks is what we call a run-on sentence).
The aftermath: Barrett got a 10-game suspension, which was well worth it to give Pierznski a black eye.
The savagery scale: 6. No brawl really. Just catcher vs. catcher. It was cool because it was such a cleanly-landed punch and Pierzynski is such a douche-fucker, but that's really all.
5. The Tigers and White Sox don't think highly of one another, April 22, 2000
The skinny: Weaver plunks Carlos Lee in the sixth, and then Jim Parque retaliates by beaning Dean Palmer in the seventh. Palmer charges the mound and hurls his helmet at Parque just before he reaches him. Order is restored, but another round of beanings and bench-clearings takes place in the ninth.
The aftermath: All sorts of goods here. Sixteen ejections, 82 total games in suspensions and Keith Foulke, then with Chicago, had to get stitched up!
The savagery scale: 6. A good brawl indeed. All sorts of fighting and multiple bench-clearing episodes gets this brawl into the top-5. Also any instance of a player using part of the uniform as a weapon is certainly bold.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
In the third quarter of a Hurricane romp, a "melee" erupted after an extra point. Fists, helmets, crutches (yes, fucking crutches!), and molotav cocktails were used to pummel one another in a five-minute fracas. Thirteen players were ejected, and 7 were killed.
Really, could we expect anything less from The U?
From Mr. Wisdom, Larry Coker: "It was something that neither of us wanted."
Is that right, Lar? Didn't want it, huh? Hell, couldn't have put it better ourselves.
From Mr. Ignorant, FIU coach Don Strock: "I have no idea how it happened."
Well, Don, here's how it happened: First your team was getting walloped. Then, after scoring a TD, Miami's James Bryant did a little show-boating aimed at the FIU sideline. Then your team got frustrated and wanted to beat the shit out of someone. The Miami holder and kicker happened to be there and white. And there you have it, the Miamibrawl.
(Quick tip for Mr. Bryant: When you play for Miami, as in the Miami Hurricanes, you don't get giddy when whooping on FIU. C'mon, man. You guys fucking suck this year and you're getting in the face of FIU. FIU! We don't even know what makes them international. And you're show-boating after beating FIU. Low, James. That's real low.)
Anyhoo, both coaches seem a little naive here in the midst of a pretty savage event. We can't figure out how, but Sean Taylor must've been involved.
(Update: We found video!).
In other news: The Detroit Tigers locker room wasn't filled with champagne yesterday after earning a trip to the World Series, but rather with 392,857,923 cartons of Camel Lights.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Why? She was cheering too much.
Now we've never been to Neyland Stadium, nor the state of Tennessee for that matter, but we've seen the Vols on TV and it seems that the fans like to cheer, no?
Anyway, we imagine this chick must be outrageous in the sack. Not like Jeanne Zelasko. If she's pissing off fans at a stadium that holds 100,000+ people because she's cheering loudly, just imagine her in the bedroom.
She's the type who'd wake up people in fucking Mississippi.
But again, the article says she was cheering at some inopportune times. Perhaps she is that fan who you just turn away from when they say something. You know, that really annoying person you want to pull a Jason Kidd on, but instead just sit idly by while she humiliates herself and the team.
In the end, it seems Caldwell really is just one of those fans who doesn't exactly knows what's going on, but likes others to know she's in attendance...yeah, kinda like a sorority girl.
In other news: The Mets beat the Cardinals 2-0 in Game 1 of the NLCS Thursday as Tom Glavine traveled back to 1993.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A quick reminder: Huskies down six, move the ball to USC's 15 on a first-down pass with what appeared to be four seconds left. The zebras let the clock tick down to two seconds before blowing the whistle, but huddle to discuss what happened. No time gets added, and the clock starts before the Huskies can snap the ball, ending the game right there.
Instead, we were lucky enough to get some inside info from a reliable source as to what was really said when the officials huddled near the end of the game:
Referee: Man, those USC cheerleaders are h-o-t!
Line Judge: I know. Wow. They're waaaay hotter than my daughter.
Field Judge: I used to date a cheerleader.
LJ: Get right the fuck outta town.
FJ: No, it's true.
R: Yeah, she was probably cheering for the Pop Warner team when she was 6.
R: So you guys took SC and the points, right.
LJ and FJ: (quietly) Yep.
R: Who the hell is this Washington team anyway?
LJ: Right. Their QB looks like that Star Wars guy.
LJ: No, no. Jar-Jar Binks.
R: I don't see it.
R: So either of you guys see how much time was left when that receiver was tackled?
LJ: Missed it.
FJ: They just ran a play?
R: Shit. Yeah, missed it too. Been thinking about my wife.
LJ: Oh, how's Helen?
R: We've been having problems.
FJ: Go on. It's safe with us.
R: We haven't made love in six months.
FJ: You mean fuck, right?
R: Yeah, dipshit, "fuck."
LJ: That's natural. It happens over time.
R: Should I talk to her?
FJ: It will only make it worse. Trust me...
R: I called an escort service.
LJ: No. Don't. It's a mistake. They all have the plague...err...the clap anyway.
R: I just need some excitement in my life.
LJ: Ever try whip-its?
FJ: Football's not getting it done?
R: Eh, it's ok. Hey, we should get playing.
LJ: So how much time is on the clock?
FJ: Should we leave it at 2 seconds?
R: Neither of you saw it?
LJ and FJ: Nah.
R: Let's go with 2 then. A second or two won't make much of a difference.
LJ: Sounds good.
FJ: Hey, you guys wanna get a beer and take some lines after the game?
LJ: I'm in.
R: Sure. Okey doke, been swell. Good talk, fellas.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The Raiders are so bad, so ass-fucking bad, that even 49ers offensive coordinator Norv Turner couldn't make them worse.
Sure, Norv is doing a bang-up job with the 49ers, trying his best to drive them to the ground. Twice on 4th-and-inches in the Niners victory Sunday, San Francisco ran right into Warren Sapp and were stopped both times. Brilliant play calling. If it doesn't work the first time, hell, try it again, right? That's Norv's philosophy anyway.
But back to the Raaaaiiiders. Wow. The Hater Nation are collectively wetting themselves with the way Oakland's season has begun. The outlook is so bleak in Oakland, the gentlemen over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have a post of potential top draft picks for the Silver and Black.
And that's the thing with the Raiders. Give them the first pick every year and they're bound to fuck it up. C'mon. Robert Gallery? Sebastian Janikowski? Might as well just pick a name out of a hat.
It must be tough times being pro football fans in the Bay Area. On one side of the Bay you have Norv and Niners, the other side it's Art, Al and the Misfits.
Good thing the A's are still playing well.
In other news: Denver beat Baltimore 13-3 Monday after Baltimore's offense went into hibernation because of the cold weather.
Monday, October 09, 2006
But with the Fox team calling the action -- Joe buck (fuck you, asshole) and Troy Aikman (homer), of course -- you would never have known these teams were playing a competitive football game.
Joe Buck makes the final drive, where Dallas has a legitimate chance to win a big game, sound like a first quarter punt. The man has no inflection in his voice.
Because of this, we've thought to generate a list of things that would be more entertaining, or that we would rather do, than listen to Joe Buck call a sporting event.
Here we go.
-Scrape our knees on uneven pavement.
-Have a six-hour layover in the Tulsa, Okla. airport. (Thanks JMC).
-Read "The Scarlet Letter."
-Watch "The Scarlet Letter."
-Stare at an abandoned warehouse.
-Clean the shower.
-Listen to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" with our grandparents.
-Have an intellectual conversation with an infant.
-Read a Steve Bisheff column.
-Milk a cow.
-Get dragged to see a romantic comedy.
-Swim with sharks.
-Move to Antarctica
-Hear Tim McCarver speak!
Now it's your turn, folks. We know you're funnier than we are anyway. So drop a comment listing some things you would rather do than listen to Joe Buck, well, do anything.
- So the Bears. Or "Daaaa Bears" as I like to call them. 40-7 over the Bills. It's looking more and more like 1985.
- Carolina: 0-2 without Steve Smith. 3-0 with him. MVP?
- Indianapolis: Maybe the least convincing 5-0 team we've ever seen. Perhaps Peyton needs to spend a little more time preparing for the game and a little less time shooting commercials.
- Matt Millen: Does anyone have any clue why this man still has a job?
- Pittsburgh: Not looking like the defending Super Bowl champs.
- San Diego: Looking awesome in the powder blues.
- Terrell Owens: Great use of the term "non-factor" by the Associated Press.
- Vince Young: Just doesn't look quite right wearing socks.
- Reggie Bush: Scores his first NFL TD and still isn't a Houston Texan.
- Oakland: Quoting an email from Zach: "It's a good thing Art Shell is on the large side because when he gets fired (which has gotta be soon) he'll have some of his fat to live on." Harsh.
Friday, October 06, 2006
No humor in this post. We had the pleasure of seeing O'Neil speak in person -- a memorable, inspirational evening to say the least.
The Big Picture salutes you, Buck. He'll be sorely missed in the baseball community.
The night usually ends with wild Byrant McKinnie type sex and that's it.
Well, that wasn't it for Stephen Jackson and his Indiana Pacer teammates last night.
Jackson, who became a Big Picture favorite after his role in the Basketbrawl, frequented an Indianapolis strip club, had some words with the club's other guests, and ended up getting punched in the mouth and hit by a car. He then fired shots into the air, apparently in self-defense.
Not a whole lot to say here except SAVAGE!!!! The AP report also says some weed was found in Jamaal Tinsley's car, and that Tinsley and Marquis Daniels also had guns on them. All the guns were registered and not used in the shooting of the Duquesne basketball team.
It's unknown as to what provoked this little meleé, and based on Jackson's reputation, we aren't gonna even guess.
So the same crazy player that brought you the riot in Detroit is now getting hit by cars and firing guns. If only Ron Artest was at the scene.
And as a close friend of The Big Picture mentioned to us earlier today, "I'm betting Jackson fired off a few shots inside the strip club as well. Bing!"
Read more about our hatred of Joe Buck here.
Asked how he could have possibly thought the NBA playoffs were still going in October, he replied, "Well, I stopped paying attention about half-way through the second round. I figured I would hear about it when the Finals ended, but I must have missed it."
Brauerstein continued his explanation by saying that he thought the NBA playoffs were too long, and, as evidenced, he has a hard time maintaining interest through the end.
The news was broken to Brauerstein in the breakroom at his office, a small accounting firm. His coworkers weren't surprised to learn Brauerstein was in the dark.
"Todd's pretty clueless about most sports," said a coworker who wished to remain anonymous. "He kept saying he was sure the Clippers were gonna win it all."
Brauerstein's coworkers are preparing to inform him about the results of the Little League World Series, Arena Bowl XX, and the 2006 FIFA World Cup.
In other news: Home-field advantage is out the door as both the A's and Cardinals won two road games. As for the Twins and Padres, yeah, not looking so hot.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
The song "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon and Garfunkel, which appeared in the film, "The Graduate," is certainly not about Koren Robinson's mother.
The troubled Green Bay Packers wide receiver -- pictured during happier times in Minnesota -- was sentenced to 90 days in jail Wednesday for violating his probation in a drunken driving case.
How'd he violate his probation? He drove drunk again! Koren, what the fuck are you thinking?
This is really not very smart. Of course, being a pro athlete and all, Mr. Robinson can spend half of his sentence on work-release, according to the judge.
But once you drive drunk, don't you learn your lesson? Not Koren apparently. He must have an extra thick skull to be that careless.
An interesting tidbit: Robinson's lawyer is named John Fox. No, not that one.
Norv Turner Update: The 49ers, coming off of a shutout loss to Kansas City, remarkably are still signing Norv's paychecks.
What we're doing is writing about sports and referencing pop culture, a hot topic in the blogosphere lately. See, there was a college football game Wednesday night. Why? Who the fuck knows? But Marshall was hosting Central Florida and who was on the Marshall sidelines? None other than Matt fucking McConaughey.
He was there supporting his upcoming film, "We Are Marshall," about how the university overcame a tragic plane crash in 1970. McConaughey was wearing a Marshall shirt (well, a "We Are Marshall" shirt) and was adamantly supporting the Thundering Herd.
Though last we checked, Matthew was a "diehard" Texas Longhorns fan. Remember at the 2006 Rose Bowl? The camera couldn't get off of him.
Ok, so he roots for Texas. Big deal. But now he's going ape shit over Marshall too? What if the two teams squared off? He'd be in the same quandary that he's in when he's drunk and staring at a white girl and black girl. Gotta pick one, Matt.
We imagine McConaughey was heartbroken too when Central Florida won 23-22 on a field goal with about 10 seconds left in the game. Once a Marshall fan, always a Marshall fan. Yeah, that's it.
In other news: Mark Kotsay hit an inside-the-park homerun Wednesday after Torii Hunter dove for the Kotsay line drive, missed, made some chicken parmesan and watched reruns of "Seinfeld."
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Been a while since we last mentioned good ol' Barbaro. But fuck it, it's Hump Day and we really felt like talking about Babs.
He's doing just fine it sounds like. Still in the ICU and the healing process is gradual if not painstakingly slow.
At first we were just sick of all the Barbaro news. Horses die everyday. Just because this one's semen is pretty valuable makes him different? We were all about the media laying off and let the doctors do their thing, Babs do his thing, and the fans (fans?) do their thing.
But now, believe it or not, we're pulling for Barbaro. He might make it out of this after all. And maybe he will. He could run again, make gamblers happy and could breed.
You know there are some Fillies out their just begging to get a night with Barbaro. Most horses may go to a horsey party and have to drop some Roofies in the punch in order to get Filly pussy.
But not Barbaro. That horse has fucking game. He's the type of race horse to walk in a room and just make the music stop. Heads will turn, draws will drop and mouths will water.
We're about 110% sure that Barbaro can pull pussy easier than an NFL player. We wouldn't be surprised if Barbaro had a different girl in every city. And no, we stopped talking about Fillies a few paragraphs ago. We're talking about women. And fucking hot women too.
Barbaro is so on -- especially when he can play the "sympathy card" like he's been able to do the last few months -- that he's probably near Wilt Chamberlain fame.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
But where to start?
How about the Atlanta Braves. First time they haven't won the division and have been home in October since the Millard Fillmore administration. Hard to blame manager Bobby Cox. The pitching staff is nowhere near the strength it once was, and the Jones sluggers, well, aren't slugging enough to carry a team.
Then there's Jim Leyland and the Detroit Tigers. Leading the AL Central for nearly the entire year, they pissed it away, getting swept by the fucking Kansas City Royals. Eeesh.
Sure, they're still in the playoffs for the first time since the Fillmore administration (wow! all sorts of shit went down when Millard was in office.), but now they lose home field advantage and have to play the Yankees who will undoubtedly beat them in a short series. We imagine Leyland -- a chronic smoker -- has smoked enough just this last week to develop heart disease.
Sticking with the Tigers, what the fuck happened to "Red Pop?" Somebody? Anybody?
Then there's the National League, which will likely get smoked by the AL come World Series time. But funny thing about the NL this year, the Wild Card team came out of the West division. What?
Everyone spoke so poorly of the NL West all year and now it has two representatives in the playoffs. And hell, both have pretty decent chances to win its first series.
The Padres have a home series against the Cardinals, which were duking it out with Detroit to see who could blow it the most over the course of the last week of the season. (We'll give the nod to Detroit because it lost the division after all). And the Dodgers head to New York to face
Weakened by the devastating loss of Pedro, the Dodgers, winners of what seems like 80 in a row the way they've been playing (and being Giants fans), we would by no means be surprised if LA pulls it off and faces the Padres in the NLCS. Hey, stranger shit has happened.
You want picks? What do we get if we're right? A night with your wife? Done.
Yankees vs. Tigers: New York in 4.
Twins vs. A's: Toughy, but Minnesota in 5.
Mets vs. Dodgers: New York in 5.
Padres vs. Cardinals: St. Louis in 4.
Find more picks from more knowledgeable people here.
In other news: The Eagles beat the Packers 31-9 Monday after Brett Favre took too many painkillers.
Monday, October 02, 2006
But this young chap sure can rack up the yards. Last Friday night he ran for a record 658 yards and -- get this -- TEN touchdowns in a 64-0 romp over some school called Burch, which, based on the score, must totally fucking suck. McCoy touched the ball 29 times, meaning he averaged over 22 yards per carry.
If you play high school fantasy football (we don't, but those wackos over at the St. Paul Pioneer Press do) McCoy would've had 93 fantasy points the other night. We're pretty sure our fantasy team hasn't put up 93 points total in a week this season. And it sounds like this isn't the only time McCoy's had a big night. He averages 364 yards a game and has scored 26 TDs.
Yep, shoulda gone with McCoy over LaMont Jordan this week.
(If you're wondering about the image, "Matewan" was a major motion picture flick with James Earl Jones and Chris Cooper. It was about union struggles in a 1920s coal-mining town. Probably won a Golden Globe, but that's not confirmed. McCoy, by the way, was not in the movie, but probably has brothers/cousins/fathers who work in the mines).
-Adam Landres-Schnur and Jameson Costello
-Lots of defensive touchdowns. Apparently wide receivers and offensive lineman don't know how to tackle.
-We wanted to watch the Saints and the Panthers but our good friend Joe was calling the game, so we switched to Ravens-Chargers.
-What a week for T.O.: 5 receptions, 88 yards, 0 TD, 30 pain-killers, 1 attempted suicide.
-Ravens defense: SO thuggish. Fitting that they're from a town like Baltimore.
-Speaking of the Ravens D... smart move by Marty Schottenheimer taking the safety so the punt wouldn't get blocked in the end zone. Not that it mattered.
-Normally we only talk shit about the Fox announcers, but today we heard some poetic words from Phil Simms: "When you're strong and fast like Laurence Maroney, that makes you powerful." The fuck?
-So Chris Henry was sidelined. That's too bad. There's always excitement when he's around.
-The Raiders or Stanford? We'd bet on a 0-0 tie.
-Herm Edwards gets a big win and once again will be undeservingly treated like a good coach.
-Santana Moss: 3 touchdowns (including the game-winner) and probably 3 hookers. Good day.
-Reggie Williams -- our boy from UW -- had a helluva game. If only he was still in Purple and Gold.
-The New York Jets need to study the Cal Bears (circa 1982) a bit better.
In other news: The Minnesota Twins stole the AL Central from the Tigers because Detroit mangager Jim Leyland was too busy thanking you for smoking.