Saturday, December 31, 2005
Last year was a great year in sports. A Chicago team won the World Series (not the Cubs -- they are still America’s not-so-lovable losers). A woman (Danica Patrick) nearly won the Indy 500. And the Minnesota Vikings starred in their own hit sitcom, “SS Love Boat: The R-rated years.”
So it was a wild year in sports, but what will the new year bring? It’s time to resolve the bad from 2005 and look at the 2006-glass as half full. (Or entirely full if it’s loaded with beer)!
Thus, here is another rousing rendition of New Year's resolutions from your favorite athletes, teams and other sports-related entities:
-Shaun Alexander: 423 touchdowns ain’t gonna cut it for ‘06. I’m gonna try to save the world too.
-Seattle Seahawks: Winning the division? No good. We want to win the NCAA March Madness Tournament.
-Matt Leinart: I’ll make millions in the NFL and spend a good chunk of it perfecting my ballroom dancing skills.
-Ty Willingham: The resolution for the Washington Huskies is to win six games, the Apple Cup and our respective March Madness pools. (Don’t worry, I’ve already talked to Rick N. about betting tips).
-Mike Tice: I will not scalp tickets to the Super Bowl. Better yet, I’ll scalp ‘em to the Vikings’ Love Cruise, Part Deux!
-The NHL: We’ll make hockey more exciting. Well, we promise we’ll at least try.
-Matt Lawton, Jamal Strong, Mike Morse and Ryan Franklin: No more messing around with the ‘roids for us...it’s straight to the hard shit now!
-David Stern and the NBA: Because the league is so vastly improved this season, the business casual attire is out and in are...wait for it...tuxedos.
-Charlie Weis: I don’t like losing twice, especially a heartbreaker against USC, when Matt Leinart scored on the final play. In lieu of that, I’m signing up for Ballroom Dancing 101 -- and to hit on hot USC girls.
-LeBron James: Now that I’m 21 and finally legal to drink, 30 points = 30 shots at the post party!
-Johnny Damon: I will play my heart our for the Yankees this year and sip warm, spiced cider after each game with Benedict Arnold.
-Rafael Palmeiro: I regret my use of steroids and I resolve to clean up my act. (But it’s cool to keep the Viagra, right?)
-UW Cheerleaders: We’ve taken notes from those Carolina Panthers’ girls. ‘Nuff said.
-Minnesota Vikings’ PR folks: We’ll do our best to hire those Panthers’ cheerleaders for the Valentine’s Day party.
-The strippers from the Vikings’ Love Cruise: Think the Patriots will hire us? We want to “meet” Tom Brady.
-Reggie Bush: Hmm...win the Heisman, get drafted first overall...I think I could make a good President of the United States too. People won’t even be confused about the name.
-Washington State: It’s inevitable: we’ll Coug it in ‘06.
Looks like we’re in for another action-packed year in the wide world of sports.
In other news: The Seattle media reports that Lute Olson got a gray hair during Arizona's double-overtime win over Washington.
Friday, December 30, 2005
They don't get much worse than Old Man McCarver. The former major league catcher turned TV analyst turned moron, has been calling the last few World Series, which is far too many to be calling.
He teams up with Joe Buck to put together one of the most boring fucking broadcasts known to man. McCarver has nothing insightful to say about the game and appears to get dumber by the pitch.
His bio on his website says:
McCarver’s broadcast career started with the Philadelphia Phillies, almost immediately after his retirement as a player, but it wasn't long before his talents were recognized by NBC and WOR, the superstation home of the New York Mets. Within two years, McCarver was doing double duty as the network's Game of the Week baseball analyst and WOR's everyday analyst of the New York Mets, becoming a mainstay in All-Star and World Series broadcasts.
The fact that somebody had the fucking audacity to say "talent" and "Tim McCarver" in the same breath makes puking sound like the only option.
Years ago, when calling the Atlanta vs. Cleveland World Series, Old Man McCarver said, "Marquis Grissom was born the 14th of 15th children. He bats second in the Braves lineup, a spot known as the table setter. That's ironic because I'm sure he was setting the table quite a bit as a child."
And this past year, McCarver had his nose so far up A.J. Pierzynski's ass during the playoffs that A.J. considered defecating on his face. Unfortunately for all of us, A.J. reluctantly held it in.
Old Man McCarver has won three national Emmy Awards as "Best Sportscaster/Analyst," which makes one wonder who the fuck is voting.
McCarver, with the help of Buck, has made the World Series virtually impossible to listen to on television. (Thankfully, Jon Miller has the call on the radio). The ratings for the playoffs suck nearly as much as Old Man McCarver.
Tim, The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and considers you to have a lower IQ than a crayon.
Norv Turner update: 7:03 a.m. PST and our boy is still in as the Raiders' coach.
In other news: Bengals' QB Carson Palmer has signed a 6-year contract extension with an option for a guest appearance as President Palmer on "24."
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Former relief pitcher Jeff Reardon was arrested yesterday for robbing a jewelry store in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.
Reardon, 50 and bearded, starred with the Expos, Twins and Red Sox and retired sixth in career saves in 1994. Reardon takes medication for his depression, and some think the pills were the culprit for the crime. But The Big Picture has dug deeper to discover that the pills were just Tylenol Cold and Flu for his stuffy nose and that it was, in fact, current relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina who put Reardon up to the task.
"Ugueth made me do it." Reardon said, "I don't know why I listened to him, but if I didn't rob that store, I was afraid he was going to take me to his ranch in Venezuela and cut me with a machete."
Coincidentally, Urbina is serving time in jail for last month's attempted murder of employees of his family's ranch in, none other than, Venezuela. Urbina and a group of men wielded machetes and poured gasoline on the employees in an attempt to set them on fire (CBC Sports).
According to Reardon, Urbina used telepathy to communicate with Reardon from behind bars on another continent using Relief Pitcher ESP.
Asked why he stole $170 in cash from a jewelry store, Reardon said, "That's a great fucking question."
Urbina apparently failed to tip Reardon that jewelry stores contain jewelry which is often worth much more than $170. He also forgot mention that most people don't buy jewelry with cash, but rather with a credit card.
Urbina, asked to discuss his motives for using Reardon as his pawn to commit the theft, had no comment, but made a throat-slitting motion with the machete he uses to clip his toenails.
Reardon was released on a $5,000 bond and has asked Urbina to apologize for making him do it.
In other news: Turns out that Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn's mother is none other than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
From the website that told you that Reggie Bush will likely turn pro, The Big Picture has learned that sports broadcaster Lisa Guerrero has posed in the January 2006 issue of Playboy.
Guerrero, 41 and outta-this-world hot, has previously modeled for FHM and has appeared in many lousy TV shows and movies. After acting, Guerrero went in to sportscasting and has been on ABC's Monday Night Football, some crap on Fox Sports Net and currently works on the Best Damn Sports Show Period.
Asked why Guerrero would make a good fit on sports broadcasts, FOX spokesman Tom Arnold said, "Because she's hot."
Guerrero has no formal training in broadcast journalism, but it's not needed when you have been a professional cheerleader (for the Rams) and have posed for sexy magazines.
Guerrero is married to either former or current washed up MLB pitcher (I'm not sure which), Scott Erickson. He says he fell in love with her for her extensive sports knowledge.
After shooting a nude pictorial of Guerrero, Playboy has gotten the idea to do a Girls of Sportscasting spread. They are talking with ESPN's Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn and Sam Ryan.
In other news: MNF waives goodbye to ABC and will head to ESPN next season where the games will be called by Lon McEachern and Norman Chad.
Monday, December 26, 2005
SAN FRANCISCO -- In his press conference during Christmas dinner last night, San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan made a public apology to 49ers' fans everywhere.
"We fucked up," said Coach Nolan, whom the players call Coach Nolan.
The 49ers, after beating the St. Louis Rams 24-20 Sunday, all but lost their chance to draft USC running back Reggie Bush in next April's NFL draft. Many fans thought the Niners should push integrity aside and intentionally lose their next two games in order to pick the highly touted Bush.
It appeared that some players didn't want to throw the game, but their words were taken out of context.
"I don't give a crap about the draft," linebacker Derek Smith told the San Francisco Chronicle.
But Smith was referring to the military draft which he does not seem to care about. As an NFL player and a rich white dude, he is not concerned about being drafted.
Added Nolan about the NFL draft: "We blew it big time. Like taking Young Alex Smith first-overall-big-time. Our team has heart, but lacks talent. We could have really used a guy like Reggie to make us much more watchable. My deepest regrets go out to our somewhat-loyal fans."
With the win against the Rams, San Francisco (3-12) could slide down as far as the seventh-pick. At that spot, they will likely get a player who will not make much of a difference.
"We'll think about the pick for a long time," said Nolan. "But we're pretty fucked now. Reggie would have saved the next couple seasons for us, but the future continues to look dark."
49ers' front office officials are rumored to be in negotiations with Gale Sayers and Barry Sanders -- players who were as good as Bush about 8-35 years ago.
In other news: After their victory over the Lakers, Heat center Shaquille O'Neal gave a hug, kiss and "get out of jail free" card to Kobe Bryant for Christmas.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
He passed out autographed shirts and footballs to lucky fans and had a bag filled with more. What wasn't publicized though were the gifts he gave out to the rest of the league.
Here's what a select few received from our boy, Mr. Johnson:
-The Buffalo Bills got a win against Chad's Bengals.
-The Houston Texans were given the likely chance of getting Reggie Bush.
-Mike Tice was given Super Bowl tickets to do whatever he pleases with.
-Matt Millen was given the classifieds to look for his next job.
-Norv Turner: see Millen.
-Raider fans got this mask to remind them that Randy Moss does actually play for Oakland. Would make for a better Halloween costume than Christmas gift though.
-The SS Love Boat passengers took the party cruise and all they got was this lousy shirt.
-The NFL front office received $40,000 in future endzone dancing fines.
-Bryant McKinnie got head -- wait that wasn't for Christmas...
-Randy Moss was given one of these bad boys.
-Christmas came early for the Baltimore Ravens. Last week they received an offense.
-Ricky Williams was given a truck load of weed. (Gift was not given by Johnson but by ex-Cowboy Nate Newton).
-Young Alex Smith was given the ability to complete more than half of his passes. A touchdown pass? "Maybe next year," said Johnson.
-The Seattle Seahawks got a freebie win against the Indianapolis Ponies.
-And Chad gave himself the ultimate gift: the gift of giving...only because his reindeer was kidnapped.
Happy holidays folks!
In other news: The cast of Hawaii 5-0 and about 12 other people saw Nevada beat Central Florida in a helluva Hawaii Bowl last night.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
-I'm all for integrity...but trying to win? Keep in mind, this is coming from the same franchise that brought you an in-house tape with strippers and many racist scenarios.
-Three wins is nothing to be proud of and is a terrible Christmas gift. All I wanted from Santa were the rights to Reggie Bush.
-One win...one lousy win may have cost the Niners nine more years of aguish.
-Reggie Bush on the 49ers latest tragedy: "Man, fuck that shit. I'm not trying to go to Houston. They got big ass bugs there."
-49ers coach Mike Nolan just got a call from Matt Millen to discuss the whole integrity thing.
-Young Alex Smith (0 Tds, many INTs) won his first game as a starter but says he is still young and very very bad.
-To add injury to insult, not only are my Niners screwed in the Bush Sweepstakes, Chad Johnson's reindeer gag was spoiled. If this has something to do with animal rights I'm going to be very disappointed.
-Doesn't seem like anybody in the NFC wants to clinch a division. The New York Giants looked worse than the Niners and Carolina blew it (see: Bryant McKinnie) against Dallas. I'd love to see the Redskins come from nowhere to win the NFC East.
-Tough goings in the AFC these days. Kansas City has an impressive win over the Chargers who had an impressive win over Indy last week and both teams will be fading shitty beer on their La-Z-Boys come playoff time.
-Big ups to the Jacksonville Jaguars. David Garrard is filling in nicely for Byron Leftwich.
-No big ups to the Houston Texans. You guys better beat the Niners next week.
-Jake Plummer is probably the ugliest player in the league. He could benefit by visiting Johnny Damon's barber.
-Terry Bradshaw is probably the stupidest person affiliated with the league.
-And the Cowboys may have the hottest cheerleaders in the league.
-I feel bad for the Saints. They can't even beat the Lions.
-Just when I thought Pittsburgh was vulnerable: Steelers 41, Browns 0.
-I'm glad I'm not an NFL official: They'll be run out of Carolina forever when they get a better look at that ball Julius Peppers certainly blocked.
-I'm glad I don't deal with tie-breakers: Lots of 10-5 teams in the NFC.
-Frank Gore and Maurice Hicks looked really good running the ball for the Niners today. Who needs Reggie Bush?
-Oh yeah, the Niners. Mike Nolan is dead to me. I'll show you integrity.
-Atlanta is probably the loudest 8-7 team in a long time, while Miami may be the quietest. Nick Saban should get strong consideration for Coach of the Year.
-Ron Mexico, Michael Vick's alias, should probably flee to Mexico after failing to get his hyped Falcons to the playoffs.
-For some reason Norv Tuner is still coaching the Raiders. Word has it that they are getting their asses kicked by Denver and Randy Moss is getting ready to show his ass to Al Davis.
In other news: After eating rotten tuna, Bill Parcells is considering retirement.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Bill Buckner's off the hook in Boston. Well, he was probably off the hook after the Sox won the 2004 World Series. But he's really off of it now.
There's a new villain for Red Sox fans to loathe and his name is Benedict Arnold. Arnold, loved in Boston by many (including the women), took a bigger, more lucrative contract to play for the hated New York Yankees.
(Editor's note: For the sake of mild humor and satire, Arnold is a code name for Johnny Damon and will be used for the rest of this column.)
Arnold claims that Boston was not pursuing him hard enough and he felt unwanted and cried on his pillow. Because he no longer felt like crying, he took the big bucks ($12 million more than Boston was offering) to go play for the Dark Siders.
It's not that Arnold is the only athlete to ever leave his town where he was loved and to chase whiter fences. Giambi left Oakland, A-Rod left Seattle, Beltran left Kansas City.
It's just how it played out that has sportswriters, fans and crazy drunks saying that Arnold dropped an A-bomb on the only bridge back to Boston. He went to the heated rival. He went to the team that doesn't put up with guys who rival Jesus in appearance. He went to the Dark Side.
Somewhere Bill Buckner is laughing.
In other news: With the addition of 40-year-old Steve Finley to an outfield of Barry Bonds (41) and Moises Alou (39), the San Francisco Giants have relocated to the Land Before Time.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
While bowl games may be meaningless for the fans, they most definitely aren't for the players. Not only do they get a paid vacation, they get all sorts of free crap. Thanks to Rivals.com for the info and to the Mighty MJD for the idea.
New Orleans Bowl
Southern Miss 31, Arkansas State 19
New Orleans Bowl Championship ring
New Orleans Bowl Championship watch
The Big Picture Grade: F Gifts are as worthless as the game.
UTEP 13, Toledo 45
The Big Picture Grade: D- What the fuck is an attache case?
Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl
BYU vs. California
Dec. 22, 8 p.m., ESPN
Commemorative shirt and hat
1-year subscription to ESPN The Magazine
Tickets to see Blue Man Group
The Big Picture Grade: B I'm all about the Blue Man Group. Wonder if Mormons are allowed to see it though.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State vs. Navy
Dec. 22, 10:30 p.m., ESPN2
4 GB iPod Mini
$15 music gift certificate
Commemorative sweatshirt, t-shirt and hat
The Big Picture Grade: B I'll take the iPod and upload that University of Miami rap song on it.
Kansas vs. Houston
Dec. 23, 8 p.m., ESPN
7-inch portable DVD player
Backpack and watch
Commemorative workout shirt and football
The Big Picture Grade: C- Watching Gigli on the DVD player will be more entertaining than the actual game.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada vs. UCF
Dec. 24, 8:30 p.m., ESPN
Sports jacket and backpack
Disposable camera, sandals, beach towel and lei
Aloha shirt, plus two more shirts
The Big Picture Grade: F What's the deal with the "two more shirts."
Motor City Bowl
Memphis vs. Akron
Dec. 26, 4 p.m., ESPN
The Big Picture Grade: F Grade gets bumped to a C if Matt Millen fits in the new suitcase.
Champs Sports Bowl
Clemson vs. Colorado
Dec. 27, 5 p.m., ESPN
Bowl beach towel and hat
The Big Picture Grade: C+ Camcorder makes up for having to play in this game.
Arizona State vs. Rutgers
Dec. 27, 8:30 p.m., ESPN
Commemorative football, fleece blanket, hat
The Big Picture Grade: B+ ASU vs. Rutgers in NCAA '06 on the new PSP will be more lopsided than the actual game.
MPC Computers Bowl
Boise State vs. Boston College
Dec. 28, 4:30 p.m., ESPN
Various commemorative gear
The Big Picture Grade: B- Commemorative gear is pretty cool.
MasterCard Alamo Bowl
Michigan vs. Nebraska
Dec. 28, 8:00 p.m., ESPN
The Big Picture Grade: A- XBox 360 is hotter than Eva Longoria.
Georgia Tech vs. Utah
Dec. 29, 4:30 p.m., ESPN
7-inch portable DVD player
Commemorative football and hat
The Big Picture Grade: C Personalized football reads: "This game sucks."
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Oregon vs. Oklahoma
Dec. 29, 8:00 p.m., ESPN
30GB iPod with video
$15 music gift certificate
iPod car adaptor
Commemorative sweatshirt and hat
The Big Picture Grade: B+ Oregon at least gets an iPod after getting left out of the BCS.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Minnesota vs. Virginia
Dec. 30, 12 p.m., ESPN
7-inch portable DVD player
Swiss army watch
Sweatshirt and equipment bag
The Big Picture Grade: B- Think D'Brickashaw Ferguson will wear the watch?
Vitalis Sun Bowl
Northwestern vs. UCLA
Dec. 30, 2:00 p.m., CBS
Sony PSP with Madden NFL 2006
Armor Gear Sports duffel bag
Suede leather jacket
Vitalis knit cap and hair dryer
The Big Picture Grade: B+ I hear Maurice Drew is all about that hair dryer.
South Carolina vs. Missouri
Dec. 30, 3:30 p.m., ESPN
Large leather duffel bag
Commemorative hat and football
Mini football helmet
The Big Picture Grade: D Steve Spurrier will be pleased with the duffel bag.
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
Miami vs. LSU
Dec. 30, 7:30 p.m., ESPN
XBox and XBox game pack
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl windshirt
Commemorative football and watch
The book Wild at Heart by John Etheridge
The Big Picture Grade: B LSU QB JaMarcus Russell can't wait to dive in to Wild at Heart.
Meineke Car Care Bowl
South Florida vs. N.C. State
Dec. 31, 11:00 a.m., ESPN2
Rolling duffel bag
8-inch portable DVD player
Commemorative Fossil wallet and watch gift set
The Big Picture Grade: B- A bad game with a terrible name deserves less.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Tulsa vs. Fresno State
Dec. 31, 1:00 p.m., ESPN
NIKE wind jacket and sweatpants
Portable DVD player
Commemorative football and watch
Leather travel bag
The Big Picture Grade: B- Think they'll watch The Patriot on the new DVD player?
EV1.net Houston Bowl
TCU vs. Iowa State
Dec. 31, 2:30 a.m., ESPN2
The Big Picture Grade: C+ Make sure not to take pictures of the game -- it won't be memorable.
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Alabama vs. Texas Tech
Jan. 2, 11:00 p.m., FOX
Portable DVD player
The Big Picture Grade: B+ Brody Croyle wonders where the iPod is.
Florida vs. Iowa
Jan. 2, 11:00 a.m., ESPN
Sony mini digital camcorder
The Big Picture Grade: B Chris Leak may take a leak on the commemorative backpack.
Toyota Gator Bowl
Louisville vs. Virginia Tech
Jan. 2, 12:30 p.m., NBC
Toyota Gator Bowl ring
Commemorative baseball cap
The Big Picture Grade: D Big game with little payout. Marcus Vick is none too pleased.
Capital One Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Auburn
Jan. 2, 1:00 p.m., ABC
Medallion Quartz watch with bowl logo
Commemorative beach towel
The Big Picture Grade: B Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville could use some sun.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Ohio State vs. Notre Dame
Jan. 2, 4:30 p.m., ABC
Bulova men's watch
Fiesta Bowl dart board and snack-filled duffel bag
The Big Picture Grade: B+ Charlie Weiss is enthralled about the snacks.
Nokia Sugar Bowl
West Virginia vs. Georgia
Jan. 2, 8:30 p.m., ABC
Men's Fossil watch/sunglasses set
Samsung Mp3 player
Customized Trek mountain bike
The Big Picture Grade: B- Fitting that the Mountaineers get mountain bikes.
FedEx Orange Bowl
Penn State vs. Florida State
Jan. 3, 8:00 p.m., ABC
Madden NFL 2006 and NBA Live 2006
Ogio duffel bag
Commemorative hat and team plaque
Friday Night Lights DVD
ESPN The Magazine subscription
The Big Picture Grade: A- But why not Sports Illustrated?
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
Texas vs. USC
Jan. 4, 8:00 p.m., ABC
Madden NFL 2006
Rose Bowl watch and backpack
New Era hat and knapsack
Commemorative Rose Bowl flip coin
Rose Bowl souvenir football
The Longest Yard DVD
The Big Picture Grade: B+ Reggie Bush may have a tough time gaining any yards, let alone the longest one, next season.
Norv Turner update: 7:09 PST and he's still in as Raiders' coach.
In other news: Matt Lawton teams up with Ryan Franklin, Mike Morse and Jamal Strong on the Seattle Balcos.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Big news around the sports world is the GMAC bowl tonight. Ok, fine, it's the St. Louis Cardinals signing Sidney Ponson.
Really, people have been talking about how Kobe (Bryant -- as if there are other Kobe's) put up a whopping 62 points in only three quarters of action Tuesday night.
But c'mon people, 62 is way less than Wilt Chamberlain's 100 against the New York Knicks in '62. (He also scored over 70 points three other times).
Kobe is no doubt an exceptional player, but he will never be like Wilt -- on and especially off the court. Wilt is arguably the most explosive scorer ever in the history of basketball. Kobe is not.
And let's certainly not forget Wilt's prolific scoring off the court. The man claims to have slept with 20,000 women! That is awesome and must've been a tad tiresome.
Wilt died at the age of 63. If he were to start getting his groove on from the time he entered the world to his last breath, he would've had sex with 317 women a year.
But to be realistic, let's say he starting having sex at age 12 and stopped at 60. That means, on average, he slept with about 417 different women a year. And according to science, there are 365 days in a year. That fool was the king of the bedroom -- and he was in there with a different woman about 1.4 times a day.
Just imagine him on the SS Love Boat. He woulda been a hit!
And here's what's public about Kobe's sex life. He is married. One. He met some girl in Colorado. Two. Give or take some more honeys and he's at 50, tops.
Kobe has much catching up to do. While 62 points in three quarters ain't shabby, let's not get too caught up with this. He probably didn't even get laid last night.
In other news: According to The Devil, Johnny Damon has sold his soul to George Steinbrenner.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Start forming that ass groove on your couch football fans because bowl season is about to begin!
The amazing bowl season kicks off with a gem tonight in the New Orleans Bowl between Southern Miss and Arkansas State. Those born yesterday could tell you that this game is one for the ages. My palms are sweating in anticipation for kickoff which is a mere 45 minutes away.
Ironically, the New Orleans Bowl is not being played in New Orleans this year, but rather in nearby Lafayette, La. So why not call it the Lafayette Bowl then? At least it would sound like something from the Civil War.
Speaking of creative names for the bowls, there are some new ones this year that have really blown my socks off.
Contributing to the already popular GMAC Bowl and MPC Computers Bowl, we now have the Poinsettia Bowl, Champs Sports Bowl, and the kicker, the Meineke Car Care Bowl.
I mean, what the fuck?
What happened to the Copper Bowl? And the Citrus Bowl actually being called the Citrus Bowl opposed to the Struggling Credit Card Company Bowl? (Not the Discover Bowl silly, the Capital One Bowl...eventhough the Discover Bowl sounds pretty cool. Maybe I'm on to something here!).
These bowl games pit lousy teams against lousier teams until somebody comes out on top and can brag about going 7-5. It's really pretty sad. The seats are empty, the broadcasters are bored (rightfully so) and the players are more excited about the free gifts they get than actually playing in the meaningless game.
I suppose I could write how a playoff system would be the answer to these worthless games, but that idea's more worn out than Fred Smoot's double-headed dildo.
Since we're stuck with the current system, you may as well make the most of the New Orleans of Lafayette.com Bowl.
In other news: Desperate for better ratings, ABC has decided to drop next week's Monday Night Football game and instead show reruns of "8 Simple Rules."
Monday, December 19, 2005
-While struggling to watch that awful Sunday Night Football game between the wretched Falcons and one-sided Brrrrrs, I realized the only reason I continued to pay any attention whatsoever was because of ESPN's Mike Patrick. The guy could make pulling teeth sound exciting.
-Kyle Orton is out as Chicago's QB and in comes...wait for it...Rex Grossman! People in Chi-town think they've won the lottery because they get their starting QB back. Don't get too excited folks. Rex Grossman, at best, is a backup quarterback for a handful of college teams.
-If Chicago wants a shot at the Super Bowl, they may have to discover an offense. Sixteen points may beat a cold, punchless Falcons squad in sub-zero temps, but it won't beat Seattle in the Emerald City.
-Dallas looked simply awful yesterday. Drew Bledsoe got a case of Ryan Leaf and sucked.
-These teams are in loads of trouble: Atlanta, Dallas, Minnesota and Kansas City.
-And those teams all share at lease one thing in common: They have overrated, if not downright bad, quarterbacks. (Vick, Bledsoe, Johnson and Green).
-Monday Night Football has brewed up a good one for tonight: Green Bay (3-10) at Baltimore (4-9).
-The reason this game is on Monday is because MNF schedules their games three years in advance -- the last time people actually gave a shit about these teams.
-The best sign I saw from those defiant Detroit Lions' fans was: "Don't hate the player, hate the GaMe." Probably the most creative sign I have seen since A-Rod signed his absurd $252 million contract with Texas and a sign read: "For a loan, call 252-ALEX."
In other news: It's 3:45 PST and Norv Turner is still the coach of the Oakland Raiders.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
-Young Alex Smith still looks young and plays young. His future in the NFL is looking as bleak as Kansas City's playoff chances.
-Love what they're doing in Detroit. Lions' so-called fans are wearing orange and rooting for the Bengals as a protest against the hated Matt Millen. A Detroit radio station also organized a Fire Millen March. Defiance speaks louder than Jeff Garcia.
-Stop the presses: Houston won! After several verbal assaults on the Texans, The Big Picture salutes those pesky Texans for not throwing a game (and giving my hometown Niners a better shot at getting Mr. Bush).
-With a ton on the line, the Vikings' ship sunk (no, not the SS Love Boat -- that thing keeps sailing and I'm trying to hitch a ride on it!)
-I'm still nowhere near impressed by Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh has a great defense, good running game and Hines Ward is a playmaker. Big Ben just doesn't make mistakes and is deemed a blessing in Pittsburgh. I beg you -- and so does my hangover -- to tell me that Roethlisberger is a GREAT quarterback. I still need to yak.
-There's a good reason why some (like me) think the Seattle Seahawks are overrated: Seattle 28, Tennessee 24.
-I hate regional coverage as much as I hate Young Alex Smith. In the Bay Area today, here was the awesome lineup of games:
10:00 PST: San Francisco at Jacksonville: The Niners lose again (thankfully).
1:00 PST: Cincinnati at Detroit: AAAAHHHHHHHHH! The game was 17-0 before I could say Fire Matt Millen.
And those were the only games aside from the Sunday Night ESPN game and Monday Night Football. What happened to two morning games or two afternoon games? I would attempt to cause a stir over at FOX headquarters, but Tim McCarver, the obnoxious sleigh bell noise and Terry Bradshaw are doing it already.
-The Oakland Roiders are playing the Cleveland Browns and there's a good chance that Al Davis will be in at quarterback by the fourth quarter.
In other news: Those close to Jake Plummer and Adam Morrison say that the duo is close to reaching an endorsement deal with Gillette.
In other other news: The University of Washington women's volleyball team is hot, the Big Picture has learned.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
In fact, nobody who knows anything sort of related to football or college or Trojans (condoms included) saw this move coming.
Not even the Houston Texans, who sources say, are a professional team, imagined that Bush would turn pro. They've just been throwing games to minimize the chances of a heart-wrenching loss.
ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. will probably say that Bush will be a second-round pick because he's a bit under sized. But Mel Kiper Jr. is a fucking moron -- so conventional wisdom suggests that Bush will be the top-pick in April's draft.
But where will he go?
Well, that may be determined on New Year's Day when the Reggie Bowl will be played. The San Francisco 49ers play the Texans and the winner could very well earn the first pick and the right to draft Bush. Look for many turnovers, more missed field goals and enough drops that it would make Seattle Seahawks' receivers jealous.
In other news: No satire here today. The University of Washington women's volleyball team (yeah, you read right) looks to become National Champions. They play top-seeded Nebraska (ESPN2, 6 ET). Go Dawgs!
Friday, December 16, 2005
"I'm really disappointed; I'm not happy about it at all,'' he told the San Francisco Chronicle. "We (he and coach Norv Turner) talked, but I'm not happy about it at all. I deserved to play. I've been around here long enough."
These fighting words are coming a week after starting QB Kerry Collins was demoted because Turner realized he isn't very good. But Collins was also upset when he was demoted, saying: "There is a reason why I think I should be able, or deserve, to play."
So in two weeks, two mediocre-to-bad quarterbacks have publicly whined about getting benched.
And in two weeks, Turner has juggled the decision much like the clown he is.
Somewhat-relevant aside: I went to dinner with Norv last night and he spent 15 minutes deciding between the Kung Pao chicken or the Hunan beef. (He went with the combo chow mein instead).
What this boils down to is that both Collins and Tuiasosopo should just shut up. (Again, Tui, nothing personal buddy. Still love ya. Go Dawgs).
Both are pretty lousy quarterbacks playing for a pretty lousy coach in a pretty lousy franchise owned by a terrible, terrible person (Darth Vader).
These quarterbacks are getting paid to throw incompletions to fellow Raiders and completions to the opponent. Turner should tell these bozos to close their mouths and should man-up already and put Randy Moss behind center.
In other news: The MLS San Jose Earthquakes have been moved to Houston just in time to play the Arizona Cardinals.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
But they sure do make for entertaining games and stories.
Then there are those players who don't have run ins with the law -- just with the NFL -- as they are constantly fined for their ludicrous behavior. Endzone dancing, unnecessary hits...the list goes on. But, again, these talkers and bad boys also make for entertaining games and stories.
So what if there was a game between the Jailbirds and the Loudmouths? It would make for a helluva Sunday. Here's how it might play out:
QB: Adrian McPherson, Saints - theft; forgery; gambling; passing bad checks
QB: Daunte Culpepper, Vikings - Love Boat passenger
RB: Jamal Lewis, Ravens - drug conspiracy and attempt to possess cocaine
RB: Moe Williams, Vikings - (see Culpepper)
WR: Michael Irvin, Cowboys - cocaine possession
WR: Rae Carruth, Panthers - conspiracy to commit murder
WR: Koren Robinson, Vikings - served a day in jail for DUI and apparently went smelling of booze
TE: Mark Chmura, Packers - acquitted of charge that he had sex with his 17-year-old baby sitter
OL: Nate Newton, Cowboys - conspiracy to drive a load of marijuana for sale and distribution
OL: Barret Robbins, Raiders - attempted murder; marijuana possession
LB: Ray Lewis, Ravens - obstruction of justice; (murder charges dropped)
DB: Fred Smoot, Vikings - organizer of SS Love Boat
DB: Adam "Pacman" Jones, Titans - arrested for assault and felony vandalism in a Nashville club
QB: Eli Manning, Giants - suck it up and play for the team who wants you -- not who you want
QB: Joe Namath, Jets - history of alcohol problems and was very eager to kiss ESPN's Suzy Kolber
RB: Ricky Williams, Dolphins - retired for a year and took a road trip with Cheech and Chong
WR: Terrell Owens, Eagles(?) - pom poms, Sharpie, dancing...oh, and bad-mouthed his team
WR: Chad Johnson, Bengals - mouth runs faster than he does; but recently engaged to cheerleader
WR: Randy Moss, Raiders - the moon was shining extra bright one evening in Green Bay
WR: Joe Horn, Saints - endzone cell-ebration
WR: Keyshawn Johnson - he just wanted the ball
TE: Jeremy Shockey, Giants - brings whole new meaning to the word "arrogant"
LB: Bill Romanowski, Broncos - the guy is dirtier than the passengers of the Love Boat...oh, and he's more juiced than Tropicana
The Jailbirds, with only three defensive players, have a tough time stopping the Loudmouths' five receivers, and the 'Mouths roll to a 38-14 win. The halftime show featured the cast from the original Love Boat and Janet Jackson.
In other news: The man behind the denigrating remarks about Donovan McNabb was not actually NAACP Philadelphia chapter president J. Whyatt Mondesire, but rather on-air personality Rush Limbaugh.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Look out west. The Pacific Division is being led by Los Angeles. But for a change, it's not the Lakers. Yes, the Clippers -- once voted the worst franchise in professional sports -- are winning the division.
How are they doing it? Well, I'm not really sure. I would think that Elton Brand is somewhere in the middle of it though.
But it doesn't stop with the Clip. Just one game back of the 14-7 Clippers are the Golden State Warriors. The new-look Thunder and Lightning Warriors haven't made the playoffs since 1842, but at 13-8, they have the sixth best record in the Western Conference.
And perennial powers Houston, Utah (well, they used to be anyway) and the Lakers are all struggling to stay above water. Those teams are a combined 27-34 and in either fourth or fifth-place in their respective divisions.
The same parody can be seen in the East as well (sort of). Despite the Eastern Conference being a bigger joke than King Kong's running time, teams like Milwaukee and Cleveland, who have been in the gutter for years, are above .500 and in playoff contention.
Credit the revival of notoriously terrible teams to good front office moves.
Cleveland got lucky and won the LeBron Lottery, and King James of Cleveland has single-handedly turned around that franchise.
Milwaukee had good draft picks with T.J. Ford and Andrew Bogut, as well as the emergence of Michael Redd as a legitimate scoring threat.
And in Oaktown, the Warriors, which haven't drafted well since they picked Todd Fuller No. 11 in 1996, (that's sarcasm, people), made a great trade and brought in Baron Davis to revive a city that forgot what .500 felt like.
Success for the Warriors, Clippers, et. al is good for the NBA and good for the fans. It is keeping me mildly interested, which is a helluva lot more interested than I've ever been. If these regular losers keep winning, they may keep me entertained until next Sunday.
In other news: President Bush has resigned for family reasons and Heat coach Pat Riley will assume the presidential duties.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Coupled with Pittsburgh's upset of the Bears (Upset? Bears? Really?), the Steelers are holding on to that sixth slot in the AFC, while Kansas City and San Diego are in tough spots. Those AFC West teams are in trouble and will now need help to play more than 16 games this season.
In the NFC, the Chicago Bears, which, to this reporters' disbelief, are not coached by Mike Ditka, are holding on to that number two spot and a first-round bye. The Dallas Cowboys are holding strong at that sixth and final playoff slot, while the Vikings, Falcons and Redskins are on the outside looking in (as the cliché goes). The Seahawks have already wrapped up the NFC West and hold a two-game lead over Da Bears for home-field advantage throughout.
So that's where things lie, but I'm nowhere near convinced that the top teams in the standings will be the best teams come playoff time.
Let's not talk about the Colts right now because they could probably beat their opponents with seven guys on the field. But in the NFC, Seattle is the top team and I'm still having a hard time taking them seriously.
Sure, they just kicked the royal hell out of Philly and SF in back-to-back weeks, but USC would've done the same thing. They escaped losses to Dallas, New York Giants and at San Francisco. Yes, the 49ers, who maybe should become the 3ers with the way their daunting offense puts up points, were within a two-point conversion of beating the Hawks. With home-field throughout though, they could be tough.
And the Bears. Da Bears? No. You're not good. The defense is, but you're not. Sure you're 9-4, and sitting pretty in the NFC, but the Chicago White Sox could probably score more points than your current offense. It's actually painful to watch. The defense in Chi-town is great -- no jokes here -- but the common belief that defense wins championships doesn't mean that the offense can go scoreless. The books say that you need to score to win and the Bears' offense scores less than Napoleon Dynamite.
Now that I can't take the top-two NFC teams seriously, I suppose I should make some mildly intelligent claim that there is a team to beat in the NFC. But truth is, this year there really isn't. There are a couple of good teams, but no great ones. Look for Carolina to put it together these next couple of weeks and make a good run. And Seattle, playing in the rainy Northwest, could be a challenge.
In the AFC, aside from Indy, Denver is looking really strong. Broncos' coach Mike Shanahan ran for 300 yards last week against Baltimore because of that incredible offensive line. Meanwhile, QB Jake Plummer has befriended Adam Morrison and is being considered for the MVP and the "Spanish Pornstar look-alike" award. Denver and Indy would make for a good AFC Championship game.
In other news: Milton Bradley was traded to the Oakland A's today for a minor-leaguer and the rights to Monopoly, Clue and Risk.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
For weeks, any coach, player or analyst could have told you that USC speedster Reggie Bush would win the Heisman Trophy. Saturday night, the envelope was opened, Bush's name was announced and there were no surprises.
It was a landslide vote, with the junior finishing 933 points ahead of Texas QB Vince Young.
Bush deserves it too. He is one of the most elusive running backs/returners to play college ball in years. He is a pleasure to watch and a magician on the field.
It's obvious that Bush was the best player in college football this season, but the better question is will he make the best pro?
Bush is not particularly big, but his elusiveness is comparable to Barry Sanders, who made more than a living in the NFL. Bush is expected to be a top-five pick (at least) if he decides to turn pro. But where will he end up?
It appears that the Houston Texans will get the first pick in April's NFL Draft. But with emerging RB Dominick Davis already there, will the hapless Texans go for the running back or finally burn bridges with former top pick David Carr and select Bush's teammate, Matt Leinart?
The San Francisco 49ers, with two wins thus far, are also looking at a high draft selection. Having spent $49.5 million on top pick Alex Smith last year, some speculate that the Niners couldn't afford a guy like Bush. But the San Francisco Chronicle reports this week that they would, in fact, be able to pay Bush. If SF were able to snag Reggie, the Niners would have The 2000 Ticket in the backfield: Bush and Frank Gore.
Time will tell...
In other news: Indiana Pacers' guard Ron Artest has demanded a trade. He has cited the Philadelphia Eagles as a team that would be a good fit.
In other other news: LeBron James scored 52 points last night and has been officially named the King of Cleveland, sources say.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Today the big news in college basketball was the heavily anticipated game between No. 1 Duke vs. No. 2 Texas. Well, after Duke beat the Longhorns by 438 points, the day was destined for let down.
But the "Battle in Seattle" salvaged it.
The matchup between No. 9 Gonzaga and Oklahoma State was one for the ages. Played at Key Arena in Seattle - which was anything but a neutral court -- this was an Instant Classic.
OK State had the lead for much of the game. Gonzaga took a one-point advantage with a minute left. OK State scored to go ahead. Gonzage had an easy layup, but it was blocked! The Cowboys missed the front end of a one-and-one, and then Spanish Pornstar double and consensus All-American Adam Morrison hit a miracle three-pointer that kissed of the glass.
It was one of the best games I've seen, well, since the UW Huskies beat the Zags last week.
This was truly a gem. Clutch shots, big scoring runs, costly turnovers. Key Arena was far more loud than it was for any Sonics' game. But then again you can hear a pin drop at any NBA game. (But we'll save that for another column).
The "Battle in Seattle" was one of those games that no team deserved to lose. Especially the way that Eddie Sutton's club went down. A tear-your-heart-out-and-feed-it-to-the-wolves kind of loss. But the youthful team showed poise, and if not for Morrison's miraculous shot, they would have won.
Bill Raftery, who was the commentator for the game, was screaming with excitement that Morrison was the best player in college basketball -- constantly comparing the moustache-wearing star to thee Larry Bird. On a day like this, coming off a 43-point masterpiece last week in Seattle (against Washington), Morrison, on the brink of a second-straight loss, looked immortal.
For how hard of a time I have rooting for Morrison and Gonzaga, it's hard not to agree with Raftery that he is, hands down, the best player in college hoops this season.
But here are some others worth discussing:
J.J. Redick, Duke (career-high 41 points vs. Texas)
Shelden Williams, Duke
Daniel Gibson, Texas
Rudy Gay, UCONN
Maurice Ager, Michigan State
In other news: NASA has confirmed that the Houston Texans do, in fact, have a problem.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Not with anyone in particular, but rather with ESPN.com's Rumor Central.
What a great $#*@ ing website. Checking the latest on Rumor Central occupies a good chunk of my time. I mean, who doesn't love rumors and gossip? But rather than it being about who's sleeping with who, it's about who's playing for who. Incredible!.
It's also hard not to like the list of all the teams involved. Just look at the left-hand column and see the teams with interest. Take St. Louis pitcher Matt Morris, for example. The following teams are listed:
And the use of questions marks. Yes! I mean, what's the deal with the Angels? Like, they may want Morris, or they may just be talking. I mean, what's the deal?.
I bet Cardinals' GM Walt Jockety and Angels' GM Artie Moreno were just kicking back some yager bombs at a bar during the Winter Meetings and Moreno was like,
"Hey Walt, um, what's up with Morris?"
And Jockety's like: "I mean, we're kinda trying to sign him?"
Moreno: "How much?."
Jockety: "Three years and a lot."
Moreno: "Well, we may offer him a lot to."
Jockety: (sarcastically) "Yikes."
But Peter Gammons, who was no doubt in the same Dallas bar, sipping a vodka & Red Bull and eavesdropping on the front office fellas, heard the conversation and thought that the Angels deserved a question mark.
So that's how the rumors come about. And I read and read and read.
In other news: In a scramble to find a competent replacement for Donovan McNabb, the Philadelphia Eagles have turned to former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein to fill the quarterback hole.
In other other news: The San Francisco Giants declined arbitration on fan-favorite, J.T. Snow -- essentially cutting ties with the six-time Gold Glover. San Francisco then signed Sweeney Todd to replace Snow and to butcher GM Brian Sabean for ripping the heart and soul out of the Giants.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Rainier Beach in Seattle has seen players such as Crawford, fellow Knick Nate Robinson, Dallas Mavericks' guard Doug Christie and Kansas star C.J. Giles come through the established program. (Beach was just mentioned as the best basketball team in Washington in this week's issue of Sports Illustrated).
"I talked about giving back when I was going here," Crawford told The Seattle Times. "To me, this is bigger than scoring 50 points in a game, because it comes from the heart."
Crawford's 100 g's paid for a floor upgrade, new dynamic floor logo, electronic scoreboard, bench chairs, scorer's table, backboards and rims. The court will now be known as "Crawford Court."
Hats off to Crawford. These are the things that you want to be hearing more about. Crawford, who has found riches in the NBA, is doing something valuable with his money and giving it to a place close to his heart.
In addition to Crawford's generous donation, Robinson, gave $10,000 to sponsor Rainier Beach's Washington Assessment of Student Learning (WASL) math program, The Seattle Times reports.
I don't know what it is about these guys, but they have figured it out. With fame and riches, it's not always about livin' it up. They took the time and money to give back to an institution that needs it.
Well done, fellas.
In other news: The fire sale in Florida continues. The Marlins traded Juan Pierre yesterday for minor league prospects, a "get out of jail free" card and Terrell Owens' ego.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
All three have been jockeying for position all year, with Mr. Bush and Mr. Young making strong bids in their final regular season games. But your little sister could tell you that Bush will run, cut, and juke his way to win the most prestigious award.
I was a bit surprised that Notre Dame pretty boy Brady Quinn didn't get the free trip to the Big Apple. Despite over 3,000 yards passing, 32 touchdowns and only 7 INTs, the junior quarterback will be watching the award presentation from his living room.
Tough luck, buddy. But hey, at least you got a much undeserved trip to the Fiesta Bowl.
In other news: The Toronto Blue Jays, already big players in the offseason's free agent market, signed Anna Benson to a 4-year, $50 million deal to look cute in the dugout.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
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Monday, December 05, 2005
Our biases are subtle, but not invisible. We root for the San Francisco Giants, the Washington Huskies, and Barbaro in any major horse race. (Even if he's not racing).
One writer works at a major Seattle newspaper, another works for a local TV station, and the third works with little kids who can't talk right.
We will post regularly on weekdays and occasionally on weekends.
Oh, and we like to swear. Fuck.